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Oh lord
What did I do wrong...
I woke up and waited an additional 2 hours before I took my valium (I had 11) because I was trembling so bad that I thought I would have a convulsion. within 20 minutes I calmed down when I took another.

It was an ok day tho and I felt ok when I got home. I called Marcia (the Drs. Assistant) because I had several questions about my upcoming detox coming up Monday as I did the intake and it is for Monday.

As usual, as Marcia does, she does not let you talk. And I brought this up to her as a counselor 1 month after seeing her. But I liked her, but when I learned that she misrepresented me to the Dr. (she works with him) -- he may come in for 10 minutes at the end of the session, may not, and once he came in for 20 minutes!

I say this because I called to ask her how I can ask the Dr. this and that about my detox and I could NOT get a word in at all. Instead she started saying, well, I talked to the Dr. after looking at the chart I did (for hours) and he wants this and that from you, I couldn't even keep track of what he wanted. I heard, he wants me to call the internet and sign a statement that I will never order from them again (I don't care really) but that's kind of strange...and a few other things that made it sound like things were STILL up in the air and not solidified when just that Thursday, I did an intake at the hospital under this Dr. to detox for valium!!! Marcia started talking again, and I asked, can I speak?? I mean really..and I started to ask her how can I ask her questions about my detox, under what circumstances he decided what kind of detox he decided for me (outpatient). She then said, well you haven't decided yet!!!!

I just hit the roof. What do you mean. I just did an intake. for the Dr. to do the detox, yet but you have not decided which one. Well I'm not the Dr., how do I know which one is best for me under the circumstances; then I reminded her of the mistake the last time I went into the hospital because of her mistake; she then says to me .... well it's clearly that you are incoherent today again, don't know what you're saying, not making any sense and today is proably the first day that I am and we actually got into an argument about this and I also told her that I learned that she misrepresented me to the Dr. so I''d like to learn how to ask the Dr. about detox questions myself.

She said, he's doing the klonopin/valium detox because of (SHE didn't make sense) and I was upset but I knew well enuf to realize why would you DETOX valium with Klonopin when Valium has so much of a longer half-life in the body. She didn't know because she has no clue about pharmacodynamics!!!

Then she said well if you don't like this detox, if you don't trust this Dr. you can always find another Dr. I blew up and said, when I have 10 valiums left??? When I've been cutting down a bit each day so I can make it to Monday? Then the kicker, well, why don't you just ORDER more from online for just a little while (not sarcastic). After being in a little shock and said because I don't WANT to order online anymore, I'm here with you and the Dr. to help me, and I think re-ordering would be terrible. How can you possibly say that. "Well you're obviously being incoherent right now and you have to decide to just put yourself in his hands.

I do, but I have questions and I think I have that right. He's busy, he doesn't want you to E-mail him (last week I was very incoherent because of my state of mind I admit and I apologed to him just Wednesday which is the last time I saw him, him 5 minutes. NO questions answered.

I suddenly felt dizzy and suicidal again but this time so angry to go on that path. I just said, I don't want to talk to you right now Marcia now, sorry. She said, well that's too bad. I said, yes it is but I have to get off the phone right now and hung up.

That leaves me up in the air. What does that mean. She has been lying to the Dr. for quite some time, she doesn't have any kind of degree, I only stuck with her because of the "suboxone" ... I'm at their mercy, if I wasn't I would have found someone, somehow and never looked back.

But I'm in the corner. I am taking the suboxone. I also have jusst enough valium to get me to Monday AND the hospital first day. And I filled with rage, pain, fear, you name it.

A friend of mine said, just show up to the hospital as planned and trust the Dr. But what does he want from me? And what if it isn't within reason ??? If it is fine. And klonopin/valium detox? I've NEVER heard of that. The other way around, YES!!!

Of course, as a psychologist, I will never see her again except for once a month because I HAVE to. And I did like her!!! But there was something fishy and I thought so all along.

I guess she's set up for the suboxone clients for him - and meanwhile, he gets paid for evey visit for someone makes when he's not even there !!!!

What is wrong with this world????? That's why I felt like exititing last week. And I felt it again, i was just too angry.

Someone,, anyone, perspectives. I have many threads and so sorry I haven't been able to catch up to those that have supported me. I apologize but I will - but now I have nothing to give.

Oh god, what shall I do. Now that I don't want to talk to her except when necessary, can they just say, bye bye - and not taper me from the suboxone and the valium?????

Or should I just conform to whatever they want.

I can't just find a Dr. over the weekend. The suboxone was smooth. What in the world should I do. I vote for people being kind to each other and stop thinking only of themselves.

Including me, starting now.

Murphy





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