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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index

Chef - When I think honestly about me being totally clean - I mean totally, I get so terribly scared, I just want to die. I do not believe that I can get off of Suboxone and NOT go back to using. I don't think that I could attend meetings as frequently as I would need to to stay clean. I don't even have time to take a shower some days or go to the grocery store. Seriously, I was going to work out during my lunch hour at work (which I always thought I could use that to go to a meeting if I needed too) and now I don't even get to take a lunch anymore because of work.

My problem is, the Suboxone is working SO WELL for me... why should I get off of it? Why should I get off and fight those cravings every single day for the rest of my life when it has me doing so well? I'm telling you - even my counselor cannot believe at how I'm doing. I've found a church and have my children and myself in church for the first time ever (for the kids... about 10 years for me). This is a HUGE accomplishment for me. Something I've wanted to do for years and was too scared to go to a church were I didn't know anybody.

I'm also keeping my house cleaner now. (apartment). At my old house, it was so messy that If DHR ever came over there, I honestly think they would have removed my kids. And the thing is, me not cleaning has been a problem my entire life, not just since I started on drugs. I guess my point is, I'm more of the kind of person I wanted to be prior to me ever being an addict, now that I'm on Suboxone. The ONLY thing I hate is the weight gain and you know that it must be doing some amazing stuff for a single woman who is usually thin but puts up w/weight gain. I'm just doing so much better and I'm serious - even better than before the addiction started... I mean way before!

So what do you do? Get off, go through withdrawals and fight the lifelong fight every single day, every single minute instead of going to a doc four times a year to get meds? Seriously, it's a very hard decision and I know you can relate. Even though you need meth for pain, I use Sub to be normal. And to be able to FEEL in relationships and have normal relationships. It's all very, very difficult to think about and deal with. I worry sometimes that my doctor will be (what's the word for Dis-barred for medical docs) and then I will be screwed because of no meds...

I appreciatey you posting this and making us all think about this.

User - I am very proud of you for doing what you are doing. You have to realize that you are an exception to the rule... doing this without the assistance of AA/NA or anything else is quite amazing. Most people cannot quit like you have done, by themselves. It's just not possible. The drug has too much power over addicts. Seriously, I honestly believe you have done an amazing job and you should be very proud of yourself. I also think that if you leave this board, you are leaving people that you could potentially be saving. I know we have disagreed in the past, but it doesn't mean that I do not have the upmost respect for you and again, am just in awe at what you've been able to accomplish. I have to ask you - how in the world is it that you do not have cravings? Seriously, how are you doing this ALL BY YOURSELF? I just don't get it. I've heard so many times people say addiction is not about willpower. So what are you doing?

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