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They have me going to this full week (including tomorrow) day program in the midst of w/d and i'm upset for so many reasons. As soon as I have a moment (it gets worse)....

but an example..I just got an E-mail from the doc (I E-mailed him previously 5 times before, short consis, etc.

He writes (after I spoke to him today and he was so friendly and then he writes me this:

Please remove my e-mail address (it's on his cad) from our list. I am not able to porcess email correspondence from patients with the frequency that you want t write. I am not reimbursed for my time or my office staff's time spent handling you multple redundant E-mails, a d as we have been told many times, using the computer is like an alcoholic hanging out in the bar. I addition to the benzo and opiate addictions, it appears you suffer with a computer addiction that prevents you from using the technoloogy appropriately and safely.

(This is actually the DR. taunting me for ordering online...i mean out of nowhere. She's suffering and detoxing why not kick her down and make her feel worse.

THEN, not gonna believe this - I got a hand-written letter from hiim today, giving me instructions of what to do should I want hiim to treat me as a psychiatrist, a, b, c,) and he can get me on the suboxone again!!! But first I needed to do certain things like "write" the company I ordered the valium from (I haven't a clue!).

Earlier today I paged him to change my medication for sleep, and he was so nice and friendly - talked about detox, how long it would take, and said sure to everything I asked him for. And then this??? If I weren't so afraid I'd sue him and his assistant for malpractice but I have to focus on my recovery.

And then my other Dr. (psych) nobody could get a hold of him in the hospital for 3 days! And he made the decision for me to stay on klonopin and disconinue the suboxone when that was NOT my decision.

Now, he's supposed to be back to calling the klonopin in, and nothing is there despite numerous requests. I'm trying to not kill myself, because I feel like it, I really do.

Anyway I should get off this "toxic" addiction that I'm using so inappropriately.

I feel like Imm cooperating with this program (at first I wanted to just leave) but I felt that maybe in the future i would close doors. And I'm detoxing and not very happy, do you know what it's like to be detoxing and trying to get through a 6 hour day?

But, I have to make alot of changes (if I live) and it's obviously therapists. When I got the letter from the doc ... I actually thought about it; ok detox from benzos, stay on suboxone for maintenance. I fear relapse very much.

I came home and slept for 3 hours, I should eat something :(
I'm so miserable and just can't tell you.

But I can't do anytghing now I'm at this program from 9-4, and I dont like meetings but I don't complain, I talked, dry mouth and all.

:(
555...a good friend told me once that my drug problem was the source of all of my other problems and doin the drugs just makes everything worse cuz you do not think logical....your drug issues are for sure whippin up a huge hrricane and tornado in your life that is so uncalled for.....your wrong about the 12 step....not one person has ever not been successfull if they hit the 90 mtgs in 90 days...thats proven success....you need that support from people who have been in recovery a lomg time...you just dont want to quit your benzos and/or suboxone....you should be goin to the 12 step to hear the message of hope in recovery..not that the only thing you got out of it was bein tired....from reading your posts i could see why a doc would have a comment about your emails....recovery doesnt just show up one day and your cured.....the only thing that would put you into relapse is your own fears,which you seem not to control feelins too well...i dont think you know what you really want...one day its off subox,nows its a bad idea,next day its off valium,you go to the clinic and boom you cant take it anymore and you were just sittin waitin to be seen...throw awaay all your drugs and deal with the w/d's...i also think you only here and listen to what you want to and if not then its everyone elses fault or you find to put the blame anywhere but where it lies......i hope god blesses you and shows you that there is a good life out there waitin for you,but no one but you can open the door and walkin...chef
Murphy - just wanted you to know I've been going through a severe depression too. One thing is... there really isn't a difference between klonopin and valium. They may give you a different feeling but they are both benzos so they might be scared of the abuse potential again. At least, I would think. Have you been looking for another Sub doc? I, personally would think that if any doc knew about your addiction to valium, they would NOT put you back on klonpin. Trust me, you are talking to the queen of needing a benzo. Take care of yourself. Going to get ready so I won't be chronically late AGAIN. Hugs... Bye!
[QUOTE=Banker]Murphy - just wanted you to know I've been going through a severe depression too. One thing is... there really isn't a difference between klonopin and valium. They may give you a different feeling but they are both benzos so they might be scared of the abuse potential again. At least, I would think. Have you been looking for another Sub doc? I, personally would think that if any doc knew about your addiction to valium, they would NOT put you back on klonpin. Trust me, you are talking to the queen of needing a benzo. Take care of yourself. Going to get ready so I won't be chronically late AGAIN. Hugs... Bye![/QUOTE]

Banker,
I may be given another chance. i have been diligently working the program and finally beginning to get out of the trance that the clonidine patch puts me in, when going through detox. My emotions are suddenly coming to the surface and I just cry and let it out. I think of my parents who are now gone, and the last person I let in my life. It's painful to cry, but healthy. So, yes, the depression is very hard and well I suppose I have to decide whether I want to get busy living or dieing again.

The head nurse put me in touch with a Dr. I heard a lot about and I spoke with him today for 10 minutes and he was such a nice man/person. He told me that he would subscribe suboxone to me, but that first I would need to be detoxed from the "klonopin" I had been taking the last 10 years. I expressed my fears about that, however, he was under the false impression that I was taking 8 mg/day which is not correct...that I only take 1 mg at night for a looong time. He said, in that case, it would not be a problem for him. I was surprised and it gave me renewed hope.

I'm not addicted to "valium" - I did a stupid thing that I believe was fueled by depression and the circumstances of my life and took a large quantity in 3 weeks. Now I'm back to taking 1 mg klonopin/day. IMO, there IS a difference between addiction and dependence. Yes, I have a dependency on the klonopin based on long term use of a small amount, but I've never abused them or drug-seeked them, etc.

I haven't even had a valium in 20 years (when I was 20?). However, I was advised to fire my current Dr. and switch to this Dr. He's a compassionate person; he gave me a hug after we talked and I plan to pursue it and ask for another chance.

Altho I'm clean right now, as far as opiates go, my body is screaming for them. I know it takes time, but I've relapsed so much, that I'm tired of struggling with it. When I was following the Drs. orders and taking the suboxone and klonopin (w/o the valium mistake)..I felt my depression lift and even thought of going back to work if I could. I felt normal.

I just want another chance and he can kick me to the curb if I ever do something so destructive and stupid as what I did with the valium. I believe I was just crying out for help.

Getting stronger, but still fearing relapse.

Murphy





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