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They have me going to this full week (including tomorrow) day program in the midst of w/d and i'm upset for so many reasons. As soon as I have a moment (it gets worse)....

but an example..I just got an E-mail from the doc (I E-mailed him previously 5 times before, short consis, etc.

He writes (after I spoke to him today and he was so friendly and then he writes me this:

Please remove my e-mail address (it's on his cad) from our list. I am not able to porcess email correspondence from patients with the frequency that you want t write. I am not reimbursed for my time or my office staff's time spent handling you multple redundant E-mails, a d as we have been told many times, using the computer is like an alcoholic hanging out in the bar. I addition to the benzo and opiate addictions, it appears you suffer with a computer addiction that prevents you from using the technoloogy appropriately and safely.

(This is actually the DR. taunting me for ordering online...i mean out of nowhere. She's suffering and detoxing why not kick her down and make her feel worse.

THEN, not gonna believe this - I got a hand-written letter from hiim today, giving me instructions of what to do should I want hiim to treat me as a psychiatrist, a, b, c,) and he can get me on the suboxone again!!! But first I needed to do certain things like "write" the company I ordered the valium from (I haven't a clue!).

Earlier today I paged him to change my medication for sleep, and he was so nice and friendly - talked about detox, how long it would take, and said sure to everything I asked him for. And then this??? If I weren't so afraid I'd sue him and his assistant for malpractice but I have to focus on my recovery.

And then my other Dr. (psych) nobody could get a hold of him in the hospital for 3 days! And he made the decision for me to stay on klonopin and disconinue the suboxone when that was NOT my decision.

Now, he's supposed to be back to calling the klonopin in, and nothing is there despite numerous requests. I'm trying to not kill myself, because I feel like it, I really do.

Anyway I should get off this "toxic" addiction that I'm using so inappropriately.

I feel like Imm cooperating with this program (at first I wanted to just leave) but I felt that maybe in the future i would close doors. And I'm detoxing and not very happy, do you know what it's like to be detoxing and trying to get through a 6 hour day?

But, I have to make alot of changes (if I live) and it's obviously therapists. When I got the letter from the doc ... I actually thought about it; ok detox from benzos, stay on suboxone for maintenance. I fear relapse very much.

I came home and slept for 3 hours, I should eat something :(
I'm so miserable and just can't tell you.

But I can't do anytghing now I'm at this program from 9-4, and I dont like meetings but I don't complain, I talked, dry mouth and all.

:(
Banker:
but tell me about the withdrawals from Suboxone. How are they? I realize you are on the patch but do you have the classic wd symptoms of opiate or is it different? It's disheartening to hear that you are craving so badly for opiates.

All I know Banker, is that the detox protocol was exactly the same as it was with vicodin in the past. I was inpatient hospital for 3 days; and it was basically the same as withdrawing from the hydros. The patch really helps me, because, for 3 days or so, I just was so out of of it and tired, that I didn't suffer the acute withdrawals at all. It lowers your blood pressure but also has something to do with receptors that reduce w/d symptoms, I forgot the explanation. For me, my blood pressure is low to begin with - so NO, I was out of it; and it lasts a week. In fact, towards the end of the week, in a group or something, I would talk and people thought I was using. Not true, the patch was still making me very groggy and by day 7 I got frustrated because of it and took it off. It was only then that I began to feel the residual feelings of w/d. Not feeling normal in your skin, twitching here and there, but nothing really TOO hard. I thought I was going to be detoxed from all the valium I took in some different way, but of course when I got there, I was told they were taking me off of both. But as far as I know, it was exactly the same. I was also given "klonopin" still 1 at night because that still is my normal dose, and one night a nurse gave me doxepim for sleep and I lost a day because I woke up in my clothes at 10 PM thinking it was 10 AM. I suppose my body/mind was exhausted.

I'm going every day day treatment, just listening to what they tell me to do, but yes - unfortunately, I still "crave" very badly. In fact, tonight, I knew I had put some darvocets away, sort of hid them from myself a long time ago; and I came home and just started searching for them. I can't find them! So maybe that is for the best. Darvocets is where I started.

That is why I'm hoping the new Dr. will consider putting me on suboxone once again. But I will have to be honest with him about the valium incident, and after hearing that or seeing that on my chart, he may change his mind. That, I don't know yet.

Why do you want off the suboxone? If it were me, I would want to take it for the rest of my life as seeing a bottle of vicodins didn't even tempt me. I didn't have the same side effects as you did (everybody is different). All I felt is what Banker often says that it saved my life. It's a treatment for some. I know I know it's another crutch, but for me, I honestly don't feel I can make it to the other side and feel "Normal". And that is unsettling to me.

I never thought I'd ever think about long-term maintenance on anything, always shyed away from methadone, but when suboxone got approved and I heard such positive things about it, I got curious. In fact, the last time I was at that hospital, I was "detoxed" with suboxone. I was fearful, but after 1 2mg pill, no withdrawals and I was amazed. It made me feel "normal".

Keep on writing, let me know how you are doing.

Murphy





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