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They have me going to this full week (including tomorrow) day program in the midst of w/d and i'm upset for so many reasons. As soon as I have a moment (it gets worse)....

but an example..I just got an E-mail from the doc (I E-mailed him previously 5 times before, short consis, etc.

He writes (after I spoke to him today and he was so friendly and then he writes me this:

Please remove my e-mail address (it's on his cad) from our list. I am not able to porcess email correspondence from patients with the frequency that you want t write. I am not reimbursed for my time or my office staff's time spent handling you multple redundant E-mails, a d as we have been told many times, using the computer is like an alcoholic hanging out in the bar. I addition to the benzo and opiate addictions, it appears you suffer with a computer addiction that prevents you from using the technoloogy appropriately and safely.

(This is actually the DR. taunting me for ordering online...i mean out of nowhere. She's suffering and detoxing why not kick her down and make her feel worse.

THEN, not gonna believe this - I got a hand-written letter from hiim today, giving me instructions of what to do should I want hiim to treat me as a psychiatrist, a, b, c,) and he can get me on the suboxone again!!! But first I needed to do certain things like "write" the company I ordered the valium from (I haven't a clue!).

Earlier today I paged him to change my medication for sleep, and he was so nice and friendly - talked about detox, how long it would take, and said sure to everything I asked him for. And then this??? If I weren't so afraid I'd sue him and his assistant for malpractice but I have to focus on my recovery.

And then my other Dr. (psych) nobody could get a hold of him in the hospital for 3 days! And he made the decision for me to stay on klonopin and disconinue the suboxone when that was NOT my decision.

Now, he's supposed to be back to calling the klonopin in, and nothing is there despite numerous requests. I'm trying to not kill myself, because I feel like it, I really do.

Anyway I should get off this "toxic" addiction that I'm using so inappropriately.

I feel like Imm cooperating with this program (at first I wanted to just leave) but I felt that maybe in the future i would close doors. And I'm detoxing and not very happy, do you know what it's like to be detoxing and trying to get through a 6 hour day?

But, I have to make alot of changes (if I live) and it's obviously therapists. When I got the letter from the doc ... I actually thought about it; ok detox from benzos, stay on suboxone for maintenance. I fear relapse very much.

I came home and slept for 3 hours, I should eat something :(
I'm so miserable and just can't tell you.

But I can't do anytghing now I'm at this program from 9-4, and I dont like meetings but I don't complain, I talked, dry mouth and all.

:(
555...a good friend told me once that my drug problem was the source of all of my other problems and doin the drugs just makes everything worse cuz you do not think logical....your drug issues are for sure whippin up a huge hrricane and tornado in your life that is so uncalled for.....your wrong about the 12 step....not one person has ever not been successfull if they hit the 90 mtgs in 90 days...thats proven success....you need that support from people who have been in recovery a lomg time...you just dont want to quit your benzos and/or suboxone....you should be goin to the 12 step to hear the message of hope in recovery..not that the only thing you got out of it was bein tired....from reading your posts i could see why a doc would have a comment about your emails....recovery doesnt just show up one day and your cured.....the only thing that would put you into relapse is your own fears,which you seem not to control feelins too well...i dont think you know what you really want...one day its off subox,nows its a bad idea,next day its off valium,you go to the clinic and boom you cant take it anymore and you were just sittin waitin to be seen...throw awaay all your drugs and deal with the w/d's...i also think you only here and listen to what you want to and if not then its everyone elses fault or you find to put the blame anywhere but where it lies......i hope god blesses you and shows you that there is a good life out there waitin for you,but no one but you can open the door and walkin...chef
Murphy,
You sound so good today.I have to tell you,athough I think the 12 step programs are absolutely wonderful,they offer much needed support,Ihaven't gone to meetings or followed the book this time around either.I still recommend them to a lot of people,but for some reason,I just could not get into it.And I tried,attended about 100 meetings,both NA and AA.I don't knock the organization whatsoever,but for some reason,it just wasn't for me.Whatever you find that works for you,then that's what you go with.
I didn't know you were on the clonidine patch-it works wonders.SO,other than that,you're not on anything else??I'm not sure exactly what meds you're all on.Murph,I've pretty much read all your posts,and I can understand the confusion that seems to go on,and can tell you're a pretty sensitive person.Not to mention that in the beginning of recovery,we are all especially sensitive,our emotions are so raw.But today there is a clarity in your posts that I haven't seen for a while,even though maybe you don't feel it yet,but I'm taking that as a wonderful sign.I can see when you are angry and upset,and can tell when you are,you're typing at lightening speed,so I think a lot of people get confused at what you are trying to say.
I know the thought of having to start all over is overwhelming.But I'm right with ya there,because I'm doing the SAME thing.Mountains of bills I have NO clue how I'm going to pay,boring,general life stuff that I haven't dealt with for years.It is a HUGE challenge,but I think you just have to take one thing at time.Slow,slow process,frustrating to those of us who are used to having our wants and needs satisfied IMMEDIATLY(ie,take a pill/drug,30 minutes later,life is great-or so we thought).So one thing,one day at a time.
I know how tired you are,the completely drained feeling. Murphy,it will get better.Each day you come home from your outpatient program,congratulate yourself on the one step closer you've brought yourself to freedom,sobriety.YOU'RE doing that,no on else.This is YOUR work,you are a miracle in progress.You are putting up a VALIANT fight,just put your head down and keep going.Every second of every minute of every day,you are bringing yourself closer to victory.And you are NOT alone.Sure,you may not have someone(human) waiting for you a home,but know that there are people in this world who are thinking about you,and wondering how you are today.And quite a few are right here on this board. I want you to succeed in this.I want you to cram your success right down your psychotic doctors and therapists throat(but in a NICE way-hehe).I'm going to have to stop typing because my keyboard is sticking and driving me freakin insane-but,I want you to know,that you DO have the power inside you to beat this disease,to show everyone just what you're capable of.Don't fear relapse,embrace it, get to know it,it IS a part of recovery.Then work your way around it.Recognize the warning signs of relapse,and deal with each issue singlehandedly,one issue at a time.HALT-Hungry,Angry,Lonely,Tired-four things that can set you up for a relapse,recognize them,and treat each one accordingly.Take care of yourself first above everything,and you'll soon start seeing other things start falling into place,slowly,but surely.I will write more later,after I beat my keyboard against the wall about a hundred times.Take it easy,take care,

Peace and strength,Stacie





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