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Addiction & Recovery Message Board


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Hello, everyone!

You may have noticed I have been quiet lately for several reasons--one of which is that, while I have not taken any hydrocodone since April 12, I have been nibbling tiny pieces off of my Klonopin. So I don't feel that I am really "clean" and don't want to discourage anyone. In detox, they c/t'd me off of the klonopin and ambien, too, using phenobarb and the suboxone until the end, so my worst night at the hospital was my last night! Then I finally read the Ashton manual and my symptoms made sense and I also was afraid that I could be aggravating and prolonging the problem because of the c/t off of the benzo. I swear I am not rationalizing. When they were only giving me one immodium at a time at the hospital, I was on the toilet saying hail mary's and doing breathing exercises they teach you for labor and delivery. I seriously thought they would have to wheel me over to the ER. They gave me Bentyl when I was in the initial "detox" phase, but stopped after I went into my "rehab" (only for one day, because insurance denied coverage for that). When I got to go home and take as much immodium as I wanted, I felt better. I had other symptoms too, which the counselours had to guess were "really nasty benzo w/d". I mean, besides the terrible bowel problems, I felt dizzy and almost like I would have little lapses of consciousness and then "come too" and have to guess where I was in the conversation and look around and see if everyone in the room was there. A little bit like maybe dissociative anxiety? But also muscle twitches all over my body. At the beginning they had given me muscle relaxants, too. The only reason I stayed that extra day (for which we may have to pay $$$) was because I felt so shaky and crappy.

Then I lost my Klonopin for 5 days (they were in a bright pink bottle and, thankfully, child-proof pepto bismol capsule container, which the kids extricated from my purse and left in a weird location). In the meantime, I got really bad (sorry guys) cramps, and had been told that your late AF (45 days!) after detox will be the worse you ever had (they were right) and got ferocious sinusitis, which I have finally knocked out w/ a strong antibiotic and will be getting a CAT scan and surgery to clear out the problems I have in my sinuses (chronic sinusitis predates my pill use). anyways, I took some darvocet and then T4's which seemed to help. Today I have taken nothing. But if I develop my really bad problems again later I will take an even tinier piece of a Klonopin. There will be no access to more, as the doctor who prescribed them told me to throw them away. I probably have maybe 10 left, if that? There was no way this doc was going to put me through a valium taper. Truly, I have learned to bite off the most miniscule pieces.

I was off the boards for a few days--it's also harder to get on for a few other reasons. I go to NA every day (well except today and yesterday, for reasons beyond my control) and also have been diagnosed w/ ADD and polycystic ovarian syndrome, so have been spending alot of time reasearching and reading the boards on those and the corresponding meds. Good grief it nearly took me all day yesterday to catch up on my reading on this board. But I think about all of you often. I just have this guilt thing. I left a message for my sponsor about the darvocet, but am afraid to tell her about the benzos, because I know she will tell me to throw them away, and I don't want to do that until I feel better. And I am feeling way better than I did, though I only took a sliver of klonopin last night. I just feel like people do not understand about the benzos. I was just so extremely ill for such a long time, that I was afraid of going into protracted w/d, where I would feel that way for even longer because of the c/t. I try to skip days, too. I am completely done w/ the ambien, although I love the stuff.

Well, hubby is for all intents and purposes gone until Sunday night. He has business up in Northern Cal at his alma mater today and then tomorrow through Sunday he will be at a horseback ride. He knows now that this is the worst time for me and my drug problem, so my dad and his wife are coming out sometime tomorrow from back East for a week to visit and help w/ the kids. I really like my dad (actually he is my step dad, but I am estranged from my biological dad since '95 for some unknown reason) and his wife is wonderful. She had 5 kids and is one of the few people I trust w/ my "babies." So if they get in late tomorrow, I will get to a meeting anyway, because my Thursday and Friday meetings have babysitting in the room next door and everyone donates money for the babysitter so that no one is excluded from going.

I just want to add that even given my complaints about the lack of benzo expertise in the American medical profession, I am sure that my detox (and my continuing to go to NA) saved my life. I just physically or even mentally could not get off of that amount of hydros otherwise. The hospital was really really nice. Lots of great food, menus to choose what you want. Breakfast, morning meditation, lectures (learned so so much) and time to sit on the sunny patio (and if you had graduated to rehab you could go on a walk outside the unit) then lunch, a group meeting, then, depending on the day, yoga, meditation and even acupuncture. We were kept busy until 9:30 at night. Lots of outside AA and pills anonymous and cocaine anonmous meetings are held there, so we would go to those in the evening. (A couple of them are called "Gucci meetings") My kids were able to come every evening at dinner time that dh or the kids' godparents could take them. One of my favorite experiences, believe it or not, was my last day there when 3 friends and I went for a walk outside and found a great spot with a view of the ocean (the hospital is right across from the ocean) and I told them things I had never told another soul in my life. I've been bad about keeping in touch, but have talked to one guy from detox a few times. I want to try to get up to meetings up there once a week so that I can see everyone. I became very close to the others going through detox with me--they were wonderful people. And what an education! One of our speakers was even a movie star!

I have figured out why so many of us moms w/ multiple kids have this problem. In a lecture I learned that even if you are not born with the addiction gene that makes you susceptible to addiction, your receptors will become the same as an addict if you are deprived of food, sleep and exercise. Hello! Like any new mother, especially if you already have one and the baby is colicky (like mine and others here)! They send us home from the hospital w/ a bottle of vicodin and having just come off morphine (if you had a c-section) or percocets like I had for my cramping. We find out that wow, we feel better when we take the pill! Then we keep taking them and find ways to get more and . . . you know how it goes from there. But it takes 90 days for your receptors to really start healing so that you can feel normal without the drug (some sooner or later), which is why AA and NA say that after detox you need "90 meetings in 90 days." Someone here had explained the receptor thing before, I think, but I never really understood it until I saw the diagrams and the CAT scans, in a lecture by the guy who runs the treatment center. It appears that brain function eventually returns to normal except with Ecstacy use. But it takes time. So by me taking the meds, I have probably just set myself further back. Anyway, it explains why we need to stay away from alcohol, too, even though I really could drink half a beer and then I am full. Also, drinking/drug use before the age of 17 and, even more significantly, before the age of 14, can change the makeup of your receptors as well, perhaps permanently, so that you may be prone to addiction even if you were not born w/ the gene.

I have learned that mentally, there is no way I can stay off without NA and that is absolutely the truth.

There is a refill owing to me from one of my OP's that I am not going to get! They actually called me the other day and asked if I wanted it. I took their number. But I won't get it and have lost the number, anyway. One of the best deterrents is that I had a hidden stash of over $100 worth of really good pills and when I hit my point of surrender in detox, I called dh and told him about it and to throw them away. They were hidden in a really good spot, too--he never ever would have found them (in the bottom of a wardrobe bag holding a pregnancy gown that I wore to a couple of fancy occasions). So that whole act would have been for naught if I just spend that kind of money on more.

BTW, found out yesterday that I passed one of my 2 kidney stones, so that could account for some of the cramping I had. I had to go out and buy a heating pad and everything.

I am so afraid of my husband finding out that I am not really 30 days. But someone told me that you can even make up your clean date as some date past the date you really got clean. So maybe I'll say I am doing that and then when I am more honest, as you have to be in your life to stay sober, and he sees that I am truly better, I could tell him then. Oh well.

I really have to pray every day and have started meditating more too. Working the steps is really important. And it is really just a way of connecting to your spirituality, whatever it is, and being a good person. We will die if we do not stop using or end up in a jail or institution. Also, as one wise lady told me, our kids do not want "supermoms", they just want their mom.

I love you guys so much. I would not have come this far without you. If you have read this far, let me know if you have any questions!

Luv,
rosie





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