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Addiction & Recovery Message Board


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Hello,

I'm new here (to you), yet I feel from my many, many months of lurking as if I know so many of you...Root and his long trials and tribulations, Michelle and her faith, Lisa and her struggles with an abusive husband, Banker who has dreams I have no doubt she will see to fruition, spark who posts only as needed, Philster who has helped so many with his ability to taper, Rockingham and the methadone road, Murphy who loves cats as much as me, Willow who got to go take a trip to England, Howard and No Patience facing the battle of their lives...so many success stories, and then for every one of those, there's a new one from the likes of a person like me.

My story, you don't want to know...well, maybe it would be cathartic to just type it out and it can be thought of as a deadly car accident one drives by and doesn't want to look but chooses to anyway. I have used and abused every person I know in my 20+ years of drug abuse. I have lied, stolen, even pretended to love someone or two or three just because they were chronic pain patients and it gave me access to their drugs. I've dated a neurologist that I had no interest in whatsoever, he fell in love with me and wanted to marry me, but when I found out he no longer was going to dole out percs or vikes to me, I left him in the dust with so many others...so many men.

Early on in life, my rationalization for using men was that "hey, they used and abused me, so I might as well get something in return," and it was so dang easy. Flirt with a doctor here or there in the waiting room, shed a tear or play damsel in distress, and they would whip out a script pad without a moment's hesitation and give me whatever I needed. I'm not proclaiming to be all that, or say what I did was right...it's just that I wanted "payback" and make myself "comfortably numb" (as Pink Floyd sang about).

I've systematically eliminated everyone who was ever a friend or family member from me in an attempt to be alone with my best friends...my pills. I have two children who are in their teens, straight A's, athletes, more awards and trophies than I have room for, and instead of feeling proud...I wonder where the heck they got it because it sure wasn't from my gene pool. So when I do my every-other-month or so dance for the docs and get "my friends" to come over, I feel fine--temporarily, that is. I'm now almost 50, have over $10,000 debt, and have been unemployed for 15 months, but those "friends" keep calling, and I keep answering.

I've tried c/t, tapering, everything but the sub and/or meth and nothing works; I have zero willpower and I truly don't know what to do. I have Post traumatic stress syndrome for which I've sought treatment (a result of being raped while tied up at knifepoint, along with an incestous "relationship" with my brother-in-law who was my "first" at the age of 15, and having grown up with an abusive alcoholic father and a mother addicted to phenobarbital), but it didn't help. It's old news, it all happened a lifetime ago, and it's over...but the repercussions I feel are just now showing their ugly faces. I know I can't justify my actions because of a pity party over what happened, and it's not like the rapist killed me (well, a part of my soul, maybe), and probably the worst thing--and catalyst for more drugs--was the death of my brother when I was 25 (he was 33...motorcyclist vs. drunk driver). My parents are long dead, but I don't blame them (maybe the genetics are there). I know I only have myself to blame...

I've been used, abused, and you know what? I don't like it here anymore, and that takes me back to the heading of my post as I ponder my life, what I've become, and what the heck it is I'm doing here anyway? (besides consuming massive doses of opiates and benzos...not too productive a member of society). It was so easy in the beginning, and I finally realized it all has to end...but how? Choose following the heading of my post or not? It may sound silly, but when taking a shower or doing a load of laundry becomes almost a "Herculean" task, you wouldn't think it would be so hard to decide, would you?

Thanks for listening, and good luck to you all...

DallasAlice





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