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Hi Heather,

Thank you for the welcome sadsister...you know, when Burnaby said that she gets a sense from one's written words, I would have to add that along with that, I get something from what each chooses to be their user name--their cyber-world identity, I guess.

Many would think I'm from Texas, but I've only been there once. My name is really Dallas, and being the old hippie that I am, I'm still a fan of a very old band called "Little Feat," who did a song called "Willin'." It's in the lyrics, "I see my pretty Alice in every headlight, Alice, Dallas Alice..." Some might know & relate more to the main line of "...and if you give me weed, whites and wine, and you show me a sign, then I'll be willing to be moving..." Anyway, my point is that I wonder what is behind the moniker of SadSister? John 3:16 gives Michelle's identity totally away! LOL, Michelle...it's a "handle" you wear well.

I wrote back to Christianmom last night, but at first, when I saw the name, I thought "oh no, another religious reply," but you know...after being here only a day or so, I don't have that knee-jerk reaction to the religion so much anymore. I respect each others' beliefs and do what it says in one of those steps, the part about taking what you need and all.

I have to say I feel comfortable here right now, and I hope it lasts because as much as I'm clinging to a very thin rope right now, the time spent reading and writing here is more time away from the thoughts that brought me here in the first place...those thoughts of ending it all. Those who have written me may not realize that they stopped someone from taking that permanent solution...but they did, Michelle, BCBurnaby, Rockingham, Christianmom, Never Again, Best Friend, and now you...why are you so sad, sister?

I posed that question in my original thread because there are so many things I think that make up a person's addiction, and so often there are those who can take a pill here or there, or as needed, or only for physical pain, or whatever...but I truly believe that there is some kind of catalyst, a trigger of sorts that pushes a person over the edge from being just a regular person recovering from, oh say a surgery, to someone who 6 months later is completely dependent on the opiates they were given. What do you think that is?

I spilled my guts here, and it felt good. I don't know if I could spill to someone in person...like at a meeting (I've had to spill to the psychiatric docs I've seen), but it's just not the kind of stuff one usually brings up in regular conversation. "Oh, how was your day, today?" "Fine, but I saw this movie where a gal gets raped and I flashed on something that happened to me 30 years ago, so how was your day?" Excuse the sarcasm, but we are so often told to get over it, be thankful for what we have, etc., that we downplay the very real issues that underline our new (or old) found addicions.

You say you are agoraphobic? I think sometimes I'm on the brink of becoming that. It's as if we build a safe little world within our homes and then we don't have to venture out into this mean world. I don't like to, it's a huge issue with me to get out...I can almost hear the bashing coming (not from you), but it's true. That's why I mentioned when taking a shower or doing a load of laundry becomes akin to a "herculean task," then a whole new mindset has begun and things have now changed. Maybe I haven't changed, but I'm sure not the same as I was.

There are times when I turn my phone off, pull the curtains, lock all the doors and windows, and then only while nestled in that small comfort zone do I feel safe. Is that what agoraphobia is like? I have panic attacks also, so maybe that is more of the feeling of being agoraphobic? I do feel that I wouldn't lock myself in my house so much if I didn't have my pills here to keep me company--I'd be forced to venture out to look for them.

I do think I'll like it here, and I've decided to stay for as long as they'll have me. When I'm alone with my thoughts too much, I need to "talk," but since I've driven everyone I know out of my life, there's nobody to talk to now, so here I am, talking to space...but at the same time feeling a stong connection to many here.

I'm disappointed that the older members whom I first read about a year ago...Root, Philster, Lisa, spark, Jerri, RlCowboy, and some others I can't recall, no longer post. They--particularly Root for some reason--were what caught my eye, but now it's the tried but true posters who are keeping me here. I was certain I would hear the things I've been so afraid of hearing, "you're selfish," "you have to have the desire," you know the drill...and although there's a bit of that in some of my replies, for the most part (except for the "guy with the bad shoulder") everyone has been very understanding and have for now, been leaving the tough love outside. I know I have to have the desire, and that is what I'm concerned about, why I don't have the desire to quit. Maybe I do, and that's why I posted. Maybe I don't really want to die from this as it's hardly an acceptable way to die, but I'm having a hard time hanging on to a desire to be here.

I guess I've rambled enough...my thoughts are like jello right now, so much to think about and absorb. But since this is a board for Addiction and Recovery, I finally allowed myself to post because I can easily say I'm addicted...I just don't have a plan (or even am sure I want one) to recover. Does that make any sense? So by virtue of falling into one part of the heading of this forum, I allowed myself to be a member. Some will say it's a first step...admitting I'm an addict, but I've always known I was an addict. I need to talk to some other addicts right now, and then I'll decide on the recovery part. I've tried it and tried it, but I've never made it past day 4-5 of the wd/s. But I will say that today I only took 8 vikes--half of what I would ordinarily take. You know a person without a clue about addiction would gasp at the number 8, but only here can that number be viewed as a step in the right direction...

Well, I don't sleep much, but am tired and will try to get some sleep tonight. Every bad thing that's happened to me happened while I was asleep, so sleeping is something I almost avoid on purpose...how twisted is that? On the other hand, for the people who fear death yet long for sleep, well...that confuses me, too.

Thank you for writing me, and I do anticipate we will talk again. At least if Michelle has anything to say about it! She's a feisty little thing, isn't she?! That's a compliment, Michelle...you're stuck with me, you were "my first" on here, and I hope you'll keep me?!

'Night all,
DallasAlice





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