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Hello Everyone. I have been lurking around on this board for about a year or so now, but I have been kind of afraid to post, afraid I wouldn't fit in or something. I feel that it is now a good time for me to start posting, and to tell my story in case anyone is interested. It is feels particularly important for me to start posting now, because I think I am finally ready to quit my pill habit of about 100 mgs of hydrocodone per day (about 10 norco 10's or 20 vicodins).

I will start with a little bit of background about myself and my past drug use, and then get into my current situation. I am a 22 year old female. I have been using drugs or alcohol for what feels like most of my life. As early as about 11 or 12 years old, I was drinking and experimenting with pot and acid. In high school I drank very heavily, getting drunk on a bottle of vodka just about everyday. I also used meth during high school, but quit that completely a couple of years ago. After graduating, my drinking got increasingly heavy. I began college (I am now a senior in college, graduating this year), and somehow managed to do extremely well in school while drinking about 12 shots of vodka a night. I also used prescription drugs occasionally (I do have bad headaches for which I have been prescribed hydrocodone, and I have anxiety for which I have been prescribed klonopin and xanax). So basically, to the outside world it looked as if I cleaned up my life (with the success in school and all that), while my personal life was a mess, and I didn't even remember the end of most nights.

About a year ago, everything changed, when I was introduced to oxycontin. Using prescription painkillers seemed to be the answer to all of my problems. I was able to stop drinking almost completely (even know I almost never drink), which was a huge relief. I felt free from my anxiety disorder for the first time in my life thanks to the painkillers, and I had a huge amount of energy to do schoolwork, work two jobs, and all of that. For some reason, I finally felt in control of my life. Unlike other drugs that I abused in the past, the pills gave me the illusion that I was thinking clearly, in fact, thinking in a more clear and relaxed way then I normally would. I fell in love, basically, and pills became my absolute drug of choice. I used oxycontin and morphine for about 6 months, which I obtained illegally. My supplier eventually went to jail, and I was left with the hydrocodone that I get for my headaches. I turned to online pharmacies to supply noco 10's, which came to replace the other pills. At first I was able to maintain my addiction with about 4 pills a day (40 mgs hydro), I split the pills in half and took them throughout the day so they would last longer. I can not believe how fast the addiction escalates. I still try to maintain only taking 10 a day (even this amount is much more than I can afford, and I am having trouble keeping up), but I could easily take more.

I have been wanting to stop for a while now. For one thing, I know I can not continue on like this. It is constant work to try to get more, make sure they arrive before I run out, etc. I am always counting and always thinking about it. I don't have the money for this, and it is just getting out of control. Before I know it, at this pace I am afraid I will need 20 or 30 pills to get through the day, and that is basically not possible for me to do. I just can't keep up anymore, and I am scared and tired of this. Plus, I want to be healthy. I know I am hurting myself. And the feeling that I have to keep getting them, because I work everyday and I am scared of getting sick and not being able to work if I don't have them is just so stressful and makes me feel ashamed. I want to feel like a normal 22 year old girl, not someone who needs something just to get through the day and feel normal. No one really knows about this either ( a couple people do, but not my boyfriend or my parents...my boyfriend thinks I quit when the oxycontin ran out). I am scared of the legal issues involved in all of these OP's, and I am just frightened about the whole thing. I feel like I can't go on like this, but I am afraid to stop. I love them, and I love the feeling of the pills, which makes it even harder. I will tell myself that it is time to quit, and I will get all prepared too, and really want to, but then after the first day, I just start to feel so horrible, and I am just DRAGGING myself through work, I am so exhausted and in so much pain, and then the mental anxiety and cravings start and I just become FRANTIC to get more. The fact that I work two jobs and can NOT afford to miss work or lose either job (and they aren't too understanding about time off) just adds to my stress so much. I feel that if I could get like, a weeks vacation and hide from the world it would be so much easier. I just don't have the energy to work when I am quitting.

I also struggle with not knowing if I should quit completely cold turkey, or if I should use a couple of pills to get through it, or what. If I try to quit when I don't have any pills on hand at all, for some reason that just drives me crazy. In the year I have been using pills, I have never completely gone all the way through withdrawal. So, basically, I just feel like I need a couple pills on hand, in case it gets too bad and I need to get through work or something like that. I know that is probably just an excuse, but then if I don't have any pills at all and I panic and order a whole new bottle that won't help either, so it is hard to know what is best.

Anyway, this is what I have been struggling with. I am only 22, and basically I do not even know what it is like to be sober anymore. I have managed to make it through my various addictions with vary little consequences on the outside (no arrests, good in school, good at work, etc), but personally I am a mess. I feel like for the first time in my life I am ready to try sobriety, and I am ready to stop these pills. I know that I NEED to stop these pills, because things are escalating really fast, and soon I am going to get in some serious trouble or something. Plus, the stress of always thinking about this is just too much, I want to be free. One of the main OPs I use just cancelled my order a couple days ago, and now I don't think I even will be able to get anything for a while. So, I am taking this as a sign that now is the time. I only have about a three day supply left, so I am not sure if I should take them for three days and stop cold turkey, or if I should taper down dramatically or what. I guess I just had to get all of this stuff off of my chest, and tell SOMEONE, because it is basically all that I think about, yet I can't really talk about it with anyone, at least not anyone that understands. Plus, after a year of reading all of your posts everyday, I feel like I know some of you so well, and I wanted to give you a chance to know me too. I am new at this whole self-disclosure, internet thing, and a little scared, but hopefully some of you will read this, and maybe even respond. Any input or advice or any comments at all would be welcome. It feels really good to finally say all of these things that have been on my mind. I guess that is all for now, sorry this is so long.

venus21
[QUOTE=venus21]Hello Everyone. I have been lurking around on this board for about a year or so now, but I have been kind of afraid to post, afraid I wouldn't fit in or something. I feel that it is now a good time for me to start posting, and to tell my story in case anyone is interested. It is feels particularly important for me to start posting now, because I think I am finally ready to quit my pill habit of about 100 mgs of hydrocodone per day (about 10 norco 10's or 20 vicodins).

I will start with a little bit of background about myself and my past drug use, and then get into my current situation. I am a 22 year old female. I have been using drugs or alcohol for what feels like most of my life. As early as about 11 or 12 years old, I was drinking and experimenting with pot and acid. In high school I drank very heavily, getting drunk on a bottle of vodka just about everyday. I also used meth during high school, but quit that completely a couple of years ago. After graduating, my drinking got increasingly heavy. I began college (I am now a senior in college, graduating this year), and somehow managed to do extremely well in school while drinking about 12 shots of vodka a night. I also used prescription drugs occasionally (I do have bad headaches for which I have been prescribed hydrocodone, and I have anxiety for which I have been prescribed klonopin and xanax). So basically, to the outside world it looked as if I cleaned up my life (with the success in school and all that), while my personal life was a mess, and I didn't even remember the end of most nights.

About a year ago, everything changed, when I was introduced to oxycontin. Using prescription painkillers seemed to be the answer to all of my problems. I was able to stop drinking almost completely (even know I almost never drink), which was a huge relief. I felt free from my anxiety disorder for the first time in my life thanks to the painkillers, and I had a huge amount of energy to do schoolwork, work two jobs, and all of that. For some reason, I finally felt in control of my life. Unlike other drugs that I abused in the past, the pills gave me the illusion that I was thinking clearly, in fact, thinking in a more clear and relaxed way then I normally would. I fell in love, basically, and pills became my absolute drug of choice. I used oxycontin and morphine for about 6 months, which I obtained illegally. My supplier eventually went to jail, and I was left with the hydrocodone that I get for my headaches. I turned to online pharmacies to supply noco 10's, which came to replace the other pills. At first I was able to maintain my addiction with about 4 pills a day (40 mgs hydro), I split the pills in half and took them throughout the day so they would last longer. I can not believe how fast the addiction escalates. I still try to maintain only taking 10 a day (even this amount is much more than I can afford, and I am having trouble keeping up), but I could easily take more.

I have been wanting to stop for a while now. For one thing, I know I can not continue on like this. It is constant work to try to get more, make sure they arrive before I run out, etc. I am always counting and always thinking about it. I don't have the money for this, and it is just getting out of control. Before I know it, at this pace I am afraid I will need 20 or 30 pills to get through the day, and that is basically not possible for me to do. I just can't keep up anymore, and I am scared and tired of this. Plus, I want to be healthy. I know I am hurting myself. And the feeling that I have to keep getting them, because I work everyday and I am scared of getting sick and not being able to work if I don't have them is just so stressful and makes me feel ashamed. I want to feel like a normal 22 year old girl, not someone who needs something just to get through the day and feel normal. No one really knows about this either ( a couple people do, but not my boyfriend or my parents...my boyfriend thinks I quit when the oxycontin ran out). I am scared of the legal issues involved in all of these OP's, and I am just frightened about the whole thing. I feel like I can't go on like this, but I am afraid to stop. I love them, and I love the feeling of the pills, which makes it even harder. I will tell myself that it is time to quit, and I will get all prepared too, and really want to, but then after the first day, I just start to feel so horrible, and I am just DRAGGING myself through work, I am so exhausted and in so much pain, and then the mental anxiety and cravings start and I just become FRANTIC to get more. The fact that I work two jobs and can NOT afford to miss work or lose either job (and they aren't too understanding about time off) just adds to my stress so much. I feel that if I could get like, a weeks vacation and hide from the world it would be so much easier. I just don't have the energy to work when I am quitting.

I also struggle with not knowing if I should quit completely cold turkey, or if I should use a couple of pills to get through it, or what. If I try to quit when I don't have any pills on hand at all, for some reason that just drives me crazy. In the year I have been using pills, I have never completely gone all the way through withdrawal. So, basically, I just feel like I need a couple pills on hand, in case it gets too bad and I need to get through work or something like that. I know that is probably just an excuse, but then if I don't have any pills at all and I panic and order a whole new bottle that won't help either, so it is hard to know what is best.

Anyway, this is what I have been struggling with. I am only 22, and basically I do not even know what it is like to be sober anymore. I have managed to make it through my various addictions with vary little consequences on the outside (no arrests, good in school, good at work, etc), but personally I am a mess. I feel like for the first time in my life I am ready to try sobriety, and I am ready to stop these pills. I know that I NEED to stop these pills, because things are escalating really fast, and soon I am going to get in some serious trouble or something. Plus, the stress of always thinking about this is just too much, I want to be free. One of the main OPs I use just cancelled my order a couple days ago, and now I don't think I even will be able to get anything for a while. So, I am taking this as a sign that now is the time. I only have about a three day supply left, so I am not sure if I should take them for three days and stop cold turkey, or if I should taper down dramatically or what. I guess I just had to get all of this stuff off of my chest, and tell SOMEONE, because it is basically all that I think about, yet I can't really talk about it with anyone, at least not anyone that understands. Plus, after a year of reading all of your posts everyday, I feel like I know some of you so well, and I wanted to give you a chance to know me too. I am new at this whole self-disclosure, internet thing, and a little scared, but hopefully some of you will read this, and maybe even respond. Any input or advice or any comments at all would be welcome. It feels really good to finally say all of these things that have been on my mind. I guess that is all for now, sorry this is so long.

venus21[/QUOTE]

Venus21, you are close to making the right choice. I have struggled with a similar decision for almost 1 year now. I used to look at these boards to get advice on tapering and how bad the withdrawals will be. At first, it frightened me, so I kept using. The problem with these opiates is the fast pace by which your body develops tolerance. You will find the need to steadily increase your intake to get the same "high".
To answer your question about when to quit....do it now! Taper as much as you can with what you have left, then.....be done with it! Try and take 3-4 days to your self when you can relax, sleep and get through the W/d's. If you can, go to your doctor and get some help. They can prescribe some meds to help you with nausea and sleep. It's really not that bad! I am entering my 3rd day of detox now from 2-1/2 years of meds and I am sooooooo happy I have done this!
All the Best!

Thomas63





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