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Hello all, this is my first post. I'm sorry if this post is kind of all over the place, I don't really know what order I should be writing these things in.

I'm engaged to be married and have been for about 1 year, and we're planning on marrying next year. My fiance and I seem to have the perfect relationship, we've lived together for the last 2 years, we're together all the time, we're each other's best friends, I just can't put into words how good of a relationship we have. All our family and friends agree that we're great together. We really balance each other out. But there's 1 problem in our relationship: He smokes pot and I don't. We come from very different families and have been brought up very differently. I come from a house where no one smokes and rarely drinks. He came from a house where both his parents tried drugs and his father left when he was 3, and his mother told him all his life that "no one can control you" and she also was extremely laid back in raising him and let him do anything (including smoking cigs, pot and drinking at a very early age). We've been together for almost 4 years and I can't imagine not marrying him.

Well, when we first met he told me he smoked weed and said that it couldn't be a problem in our relationship. At that point I didn't really care, and I said it wouldn't be. At the beginning I hung out with him and his friends while they smoked and it was a little uncomfortable for me, but I dealt with it. He loved that he finally found someone who was okay with pot. But more and more often the affects of the pot on him really bothered me... he would act completely different to me and forget things (like picking me up) and after a year I said that he had a problem and it was pot or me. At this point he was smoking every week, several times, but I guess it was better than before he met me (he smoked several times a day and needed it to fall asleep). He also had stopped smoking cigs before he met me and was just smoking pot. We had become so close so fast and he didn't want to lose me, so he stopped. But soon he became resentful that he stopped for someone other than himself, and listened to what his mom said about not letting anyone control you, and behind my back he began smoking pot and cigs. After months of fighting and then finding out the truth, we had to seriously think about whether or not we wanted to continue the relationship. We both love each other and decided to try for a few months, and if things weren't better we'd call it quits. Well those few months were amazing.. we became emotionally closer than ever and I decided this time to be the one to give in and let him smoke. He was so happy, and we were so happy. We eventually moved in together, but had some ground rules: that he would never smoke in our apartment and he would never buy it, but just smoke if someone offered it to him. So for the next 2 years on a day to day basis things were wonderful and we finally decided that we wanted to take the next step and got engaged. But soon I became resentful of his smoking (which was now once every 1-2 months). I felt like he was choosing pot over me, and I didn't understand that if he was hardly smoking at all, then why couldn't he just stop altogether? Every time he'd come home stoned it would be a huge arguement and we'd be up all night fighting, and it never led anywhere. I eventually came to the conclusion that it was pot or me.

Well, we just graduated college and to save up money for a car, a house, and the wedding, we've moved in with my parents. My family loves him and so it's not weird to have to live with my parents, but it has been edgy sometimes (I've been out of the house for the 4 years of college). This topic has made it hard to live with my family, if we argue at night my mom knows about it. I'm at a point where if someone mentions weed I cringe because of the problems it's caused in our relationship. He smokes because he says it's a spiritual thing, and says things like alcohol and coffee are drugs too and they're worse than weed. He always goes off listing all these statisitics about how it's not that bad for you, and he demands to know why I'm so against it. He says it's just because I've come from a family where "drugs are bad" and that's it. The truth is I don't know why I hate it so much. I didn't hate it at the beginning of our relationship. I think it's that I've come from a family where I've seen my parents happily married for over 30 years, and to me, if someone in the relationship is hurting from something the other person does, you stop it because it hurts the other person. To him, he thinks I'm trying to control him. Maybe I am, but I don't feel like I am. Anyways, we both want to make this work and we both want to go for couples therapy, but we're both out of college and looking for jobs (and have no health insurance). The last month he's broken his word a few times about small things, and he says it's because it relates to the weed issue and he can't tell me the truth because there will be a huge fight. We've tried letting him smoke and him not telling me, but he feels there is this "huge part of his life that he can't talk to me about". We're both at our wits end and we're both thinking, should we really get married?

We had a serious talk recently about this and the state of our relationship. He says he needs to stop when he wants to, and that it's his life and he should be able to do whatever he wants. I look at it as it's affecting me and our relationship so it's our life together, not just his. I feel like I'm not good enough reason for him to quit. Anyways, he went on this camping trip with his friends and we didn't talk for 2 days (which is long for us) and he said he thought a lot and doesn't want to lose me. We really talked when he came back and I said the one thing I want in life is a family, and that I'm strictly against him smoking when we have children. We agreed that for the time being, until we get health insurance and can seek therapy, that we'd have to both give a little: I'd let him smoke and not get angry, but that he'd only do it once every 1-2 months, not every week. Well he's been doing it once every week and I feel he's not pulling his end of the bargin. Last night we fought about it and he didn't come home and stayed with a friend. He sounded so different, so distant. He was yelling at me saying it's my fault, that I yell at him and make him feel like a child, and that I can't control him. I'm not trying to control him, but I feel we're in such a commited relationship that all of our actions will affect the other person. I told him if he wants to be on his own he needs to say so. He says he loves me and wants to stay, but that even though we're getting married, he should be able to do whatever he wants. He just kept saying he needed time to think about us, and that he didn't know what to do anymore.

I'm sorry if this post is ridiculously long, and I know no one hear is a therapist, but I've been hysterical about the idea of losing him. When I think about it intelligently, without my heart, I think maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. It's not like he's abusive when he smokes and the only reason why we fight is because I yell at him about it. I think, if I didn't yell at him about it, this wouldn't happen. I know he probably won't ever stop, and he pointed out that I fell in love with the person who's smoked all along, and that it's not like I don't know him. He says this is who he is, but I can't help but want him to stop. I honestly have no idea what to do, and I know it's truly up to me... but can anyone please tell me what to do or if they've been through this? I just don't know what to do anymore and I didn't sleep at all last night. I'm sorry about the length of this posting... this has been happening for almost 4 years and I tried to let people fully understand this so perhaps someone can really help me.

Do I sacrifice the whole relationship over this one thing, or should I learn to let this go and just "deal with it"?





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