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hi-i'm new here and i'd like to share my story and get some advice~warning, THIS IS LONG.

i'm a 32 year old stay at home mom to a 2 year old and a 9 month old. i've been addicted to hydrocodone for the past 2 years. it hasn't been an everyday thing, but it's been more on than off. when i do take it it's the 5/500's...i started out only taking a few a day, but the past year it's more like 2 or 3 at a time, probably totalling to 10-12 a day (i don't think i've ever taken more than that in a day). i've never taken any other drugs before and i'm an occasional drinker (like to have a glass of wine or 2 or 3 on weekends). i have never driven while taking vicodin, i only take it when at home. it gives me so much creative energy, i organize closets like there's no tomorrow, play hard with my kids, get so much done (it seems like), basically feel like super-mom. it also curbs my appetite. i've never taken it as an "escape" of any kind, i just know that when i don't take it, i crave the feeling of being on it so much. and the more i come off it, the worse the withdrawals are it seems (restless, stomach cramps, depressed, feel like i can't get anything accomplished, times ten).

before i go into my long story, i want to say that i want to quit more than anything. it controls my life. when i'm not on it i can't stop thinking about when and where i'm going to get more.

today was my 2nd attempt at calling the 800# for chemical dependency on the back of my insurance card. they gave me a list of psychiatrists who specialize in chemical dependency...i called. not one of them had friendly receptionists. a few of them are no longer accepting new patients, one no longer accepts insurance, and the other 2 i can't get into see until mid-november. i have read about being "medically detoxed" with suboxone (is that the spelling?)...i researched and found a doctor here in town who deals with addictions and uses that medicine in his treatment AND is covered by my insurance. i had an appt. this morning, got there (it was in not so great part of town), there were some shady looking characters hanging around there. come to find out, this guy is a family practitioner and for my insurance to cover it, i have to change my primary care doctor to him (which i've changed my PCP about 2,999,000 times but for some reason, i didn't feel comfortable at this place, it was a not so pretty office and they also had a big sign up front saying they now do laser hair removal and medically supervised weight loss. for me to see him, i'd have to pay out of pocket for today's visit OR wait and come back on thursday when all of his info would be submitted to my insurance, then they would cover it). so i just said i'd call back and make an appt for thursday. i just don't know if i should or not....

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!! we are moving into a new house in 3 weeks, i have 2 kids, i don't have time for any kind of meetings right now, things are crazy busy here.

my husband and kids are the love of my life, and life is great, except this addiction that consumes me. it's a vicious cycle of obtaining a prescription or refill (by doctor hopping or exaggerating or making up pain), gobbling up 20 within a few days, vowing to never take it again, dealing with the heeby-jeeby withdrawals, taking 2 ambien every night just to get to sleep (when i'm off of the vicodin) then lasting about 2 or 3 weeks (i think i lasted a little over a month once), thinking i'm doing pretty darn good until one day it just hits me, the craving so intense where i'll do anything to get it...i can't think straight, i start having dreams of going to doctors getting it, i find myself looking at people with casts or leg/wrist braces at the grocery store/mall/wherever with ENVY...knowing they may have some vicodin on them. THAT IS CRAZY!!! i feel so out of control.

it all started with my 1st c-section back in april 2002...that same year i had a benign tumor removed from my lymph node, and a few other minor surgeries that i got the V. for. with my 1st pregnancy i didn't even take tylenol (during the pregnancy) or drink caffeine...with my 2nd pregnancy i had extreme migraines and was given vicodin for that. i had to have a cervical stitch put in and got vicodin for that. (my ob/gyn said it was safe to take while pregnant..i did take it but never more than prescribed). after my 2nd baby, i was given V. for a breast infection due to breastfeeding when she was about 1 month old....then i started experiencing lower back pain (which i do still get occasionally just due to picking up the kids and a million toys all day).

i've been caught by a few doctors who "caught on" to my addiction and found out how many pills i've been prescribed over the past few years. back in march i came to the realization that i could not stop this on my own, that's when i 1st called the the mental health 800# on the back of my insurance card and....NOONE COULD HELP ME and i was in the bottomless pit of withdrawals. i was putting all of my energy into trying to find help but to no avail. i ended up finding a wonderful nurse practitioner. i told her everything about my addiction. i told my husband...he even went in with me once to see her. she had me taper off of the would've worked great if i had one ounce of willpower. the 1st time i tried and relapsed, she found out (i think the pharmacy called her or something). i went back in and she agreed to let me taper a 2nd time. when i failed again, i felt like i couldn't face her again. after i spilled my guts to her...i failed her. she has since called me, just telling me to "come see her"...i've made up reasons why i can't see her (too busy, etc), and she just said, "you know you need help don't you? you need to find a therapist or treatment center". she gave me the names of a few therapists but none accepted insurance.

so as of right now, i've got 3 V's left (i got a 'script called in yesterday by my ob/gyn for cramps, but i just saw her for a check up last week and mentioned to her i was cramping a lot, that's the only reason she gave me 10). i don't know which option to go with. 1) go to the shady doctor that treats addictions with opiate blockers and or that suboxone stuff on thursday
2) try and make an appt with a regular THERAPIST who deals with chemical dependency, i was referred to one by my last primary care physician, who i really like (and they will accept insurance) 3) continue this vicious cycle until i can be medically detoxed from the psychiatrist i made an appt with on october 6th. ****i also called a treatment center called la hacienda (i heard about it on the dr. phil show once), they do have an outpatient therapy program that's based on the 12-step program but you have to go to meetings (with your spouse) 4-5 evenings a week. i cannot do that at this point in time. my husband is really busy at work right now, and dealing with trying to get our house finished by the end of the month...he also travels a lot. plus the place is all the way across town.

sorry for the novel ya'll but i just had to get all this out! hopefully someone can provide some insight, although it seems like a lot of us are in the same boat:)

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