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Addiction & Recovery Message Board


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Dear Brenshay,

There is not much I can say to you that hasn't already been written by another poster, but I do want to reiterate what many have said, which is to stop while you can...before it gets worse, seriously. I am so glad you have a place like this to come to and say whatever you want and feel safe...the freedom of anonyminity is a liberating thing and often the catalyst to start changing your life. That is how it happened for me here, I made a post on a suicidal night, literally spilled my guts out, and soon had formed wonderful supportive relationships with other people going through the very same thing--vicodin addiction. Yes, others had experienced oxycontin or had been on heroin, but regardless of what the drug is, I think addiction is the same. When we live our lives and schedule everything around when, where and how we are going to get our drug of choice, then there is no difference--we are controlled by something else and we are not happy anymore.

For me, it was the vicodin because just as you said, the percocet is hard to come by, but I got that as often as I could, too. Brenshay, I am both happy and scared for you--I am happy that you have discovered you have an addiction problem, but I am scared that you might find an addictive personality that lives in you that you weren't aware of before, and like me not deal with it early enough. Please do set that date and try as hard as you can to keep it. I can totally understand that a family trip to Disneyland is not the ideal time to start quitting, and I truly believe the timing is crucial...so when it is right and you know you are ready, go for it. Otherwise they will just keep calling, and you will keep answering the phone. I was like you once, but that was 20+ years ago...

My first taste of opiates came after I got my wisdom teeth out, too, in the form of Percodan. I was about 18 or 19 and had already done enough drugs to last me a lifetime, but as I kept experimenting, along with the pot I smoked, the acid, and the occasional coke, speed, and mushrooms--you name it, I did it--everything but heroin (even though I had plenty of opportunities, something about the needle scared me away from it.) I often wonder if that's why that first taste of opiates after that dentist appt. felt so wonderful...I hadn't felt anything like it before. I think if I had tried heroin, I surely would have found that I loved it.

But that pain killer, just like you said, was the best anti-depressant and energizer I had ever felt. I put almost all of the other drugs away, and with the vicodin, percodan, percocet, whatever...as long as it ended in "-odone" or "-ocet," I could take them and socialize and be the wittiest and most charming person (well, it sure seemed like it, anyway), in the group. But now...here I am about to turn 47 in a week, and only 10 wks. ago did I start a program to get off of these dang things. These pills have been a part of my life for almost 30 years, and for the last 5 years, they have been the ONLY thing of importance in my life. That is why I am so happy that you have come to this board, and I sincerely hope that what you've read will help you.

When I look back on the blur of years that was my life from the time I was a gangly, mouth-full-of-braces adolescent to now, an almost-50 yr. old woman on methadone, there is so much regret over time lost and money spent. I feel that my post and Blue Julie's could be one in the same in that regard, and I try very hard not to beat myself up over the money I spent and the debt I created that will be part of my life for years...if I allow myself to go down the road of thinking how my kids could have benefited from that money, oh boy, the tears could flow. But that was then and this is now, and I am commited to making the methadone program work. I've been on it for 10 weeks, and my monthly cost for it is $180 compared to the $300-$500/mth. I used to spend on the vicodin. It is hard to keep up when you are taking 15, give or take a few, every day. It is a lot of time spent figuring out ways to get them, what story you told this doctor or that doctor. Besides the money and of course, the opportunity to be free of the vicodins, the best thing this methadone program has given me is the chance to be honest with myself and with a medical professional...it felt so good to tell a doctor what I was doing and have him not rear back in shock and look at me like I was some kind of vile creature. But the pill-searching merry-go-round has finally stopped, and I was able to step off...and that, Brenshay, is an absolutely amazing feeling that I wouldn't trade for anything now. I seldom think about the pills anymore, and when I do, it is not with a fondness nor a missing of the high, it is with an "I can't believe I did that" feeling. Others here have been able to go cold turkey or taper, but I failed miserably at both of those attempts. I knew my lengthy time of drug use would require something more disciplined, and I chose the methadone program. I might have gone the suboxone route if it had been more affordable, but so far I feel good about my choice. I know some day (sooner than I will want, most likely) I will have to get off the methadone, too, and that will not be easy and that is when I am worried the "good thoughts" that surrounded the vicodin will come back to me in full force. That is why I stress to you to keep coming to the board, maybe find a meeting to go to, but if you can, be honest with your doctor, and put yourself in the hands of a professional who can help you get off the vikes easier than c/t or tapering if you find you can't do that. You will feel so much better to just get if off your chest by telling someone who also will hopefully know how to treat you for your really quite short time of using, and since you have come to know you can't self-medicate anymore, then what's the worst that can happen by seeking help from your doctor, right?!

Have a wonderful time with your family and when you get back and when it feels right, then there are ways to get help, and finding this board is a great beginning...

Good luck and best wishes to you,

Dallas Alice





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