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Ok guys, I'm warning you now that this will probably consist of a bunch of nonsense and rambling. I've been literally playing over in my head for days what I want, or need to write here, but I still just don't even know where to begin. There are just so many "issues". Yes, I've put my very serious health concerns on the backburner, mainly because I'm just tired of dealing with them (I've had this chronic condition for 12 years now....but I've been in remission for 10 years...now I'm struggling with a major flare-up again). The first episode was awful...I had to take chemo, steroids, daily injections, tons of other medications, etc. Being the age I was at the time (17-19), it was such a struggle for me. I really had no support, and I just didn't care if I lived or not back then. Fast forward to the present, and I have SO much to live for...5 BEAUTIFUL children that mean the entire world to me (due to my illness, and all the medications I took in the past...I was told I would NEVER have ANY kids, let alone 5!!). I know in my heart & soul that I MUST take care of myself in order to take care of them, but for some reason I just ignore that fact. I still feel as if God has blessed me TREMENDOUSLY, but I'm the one that is making the choice to mess things up right now. I know He is still right here for me/with me at all times, but it's ME that seems to distance myself from Him...I don't know if it's from shame, embarrassment, feeling unworthy, etc. Probably a combination of all of the above. I've never felt worthy of anyone's unconditional love...probably because I've never known such a thing (other than from my sweet, innocent children). I was just re-baptized about a month and a half ago, and that is when things seemed to have started to go downhill.....FAST. I just read something in a Bible reference book that I have that was so profound and basically hit the nail on the head~ so to speak. It reads, "Discouragement often comes after a great spiritual experience". That is exactly how I feel right now...discouraged. I guess I had this misconception in my mind that once I committed myself to Jesus again (the first time I was 8 yrs. old..I was too young to understand the whole concept of what I was doing, so that is why I decided to reconfirm my faith recently), that my life would be "perfect"...that all of my struggles would just vanish, that all of my weaknesses, addictions, problems, etc. would just end. Boy, was I ever wrong. In fact, I set myself up for major failure. I don't know if it's the pills talking, or if this is how I REALLY feel...but I feel as if I've totally lost myself, that I've given myself and my wants, needs, ambitions, desires, etc. away. I used to be the most ambitious, strong-willed, independent, secure, full of self-respect and self-love...person. It took me a long time to get to that point (it was after my first marriage..I hit rock bottom then, but picked myself up and did a darn good job at it at that! Plus, I was then a single Mom to a newborn and a 2 yr. old). Even with all I went through back then, I never resorted to popping pills, drinking, etc. Now granted, I was a miserable, depressed person for many months...but like I said before, I picked myself up and made a good...no, great...life for my children and myself. Then I met my now husband. Before I continue...I have to say that I have yet to spill my guts on any type of message board without being "caught", or my posts being read...so that is why I'm so extremely scared to share all of this. But right now I just don't care. My husband IS a WONDERFUL Daddy...he takes the best care of the kids, and I do love him for that. In fact, I really DO love him in general. BUT (I know, you all saw this comin', huh?! LOL!), I feel as if I've given up ME to make him happy. He's always stressed, he's always yelling, he's always saying things to me such as, "if you would make some money, then we wouldn't have so many worries", or "if you watched the kids closer, they wouldn't make as many messes", or "if you cleaned the house better, I (meaning "he") wouldn't have anything to complain about", etc...I'm sure you get the picture. I just feel as if I can't do anything right, and I can't do enough to please him...EVER. I work, I am raising 5 children (ages 11 months to 8 yrs), I am involved in their school almost everyday (volunteering and such), taking them all to their sports practices, games, etc...besides that, half of the neighborhood kids are here almost every night as well (I guess their parents assume since we have 5 kids, we can handle a few more). My husband works mostly evenings....until almost 10 P.M. So this means I deal with dinner, bathtime, homework, cleaning up all the messes, laundry, etc., etc. I'm so tired. So freaking tired. When I complain, I hear, "well, your the Mother/woman..that's your job". Ok, so why do I work a real job on top of everything else?! Now granted, I don't make a whole lot (I primarily work from home), but I do work..and that is just added stress. I'm just damned tired, and so worn out. Ok, I've gotta continue this in a bit......he is actually off tonight, and he just walked in, so I don't want to get "caught". I will continue tomorrow with where I left off....I have tons more to say, that is...if you all can handle it! LOL! I haven't even got to the whole "pill popping" and addiction parts yet~ sheesh! This is going to be a novel.....

Thanks for sticking by me...if you got this far!!!!! ;) Until tomorrow, have a great night all.





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