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Addiction & Recovery Message Board


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Lynn (and everyone else that has shown so much support regarding my latest posts!),

No, I have not deleted any posts...although I've come back to the board after typing a long message with the intentions of deleting some...I have always changed my mind after reading a response- or responses- that were so supportive, I decided to just leave them be. I'm just completely overwhelmed with the love and support I've received already here...and it means more to me than you could ever imagine. Here is more to add to my "novel".....

As I said before, I think of many things throughout the day that I want to post here, or talk about, or whatever. It's kind of funny that I have this board on my mind almost all day/everyday! lol! I'm not going to sit here and play the "blame game", and pass off all of my problems on others, but I've been tempted to "rip" on a few people in my life that have really, really hurt me. I know in my heart that I'm ultimately responsible for my own happiness, and also responsible for anything that I "allow" to happen to me (as far as how others treat me, etc). But I am guilty of constant self-pity.... wondering why I deserve how others treat me, what I'm doing wrong, how I can "make" someone love me more, etc. I guess we all have a little bit of that within us at times. My first bout with any type of addiction started about 4 years ago..it was after my now husband and I had our first baby together (I already had 2 children from a previous marriage...that whole situation is a book in itself, but I'll spare you all! lol!). When our baby was about a month old, we seperated. I lived in a tiny apartment (coming from a nice, brand new home....yes, it was considered "his", so I had to leave) with 3 kids all in diapers. I worked my butt off but had a great job, but I was so stressed and completely "lost". I have issues with anxiety as it is, but because of the major depression, panic attacks, and anxiety I suffered then..I was put on anti-depressants and Xanax. It didn't take long for me to abuse the xanax. Every other weekend the kids would go to their Dads...and I would literally come home from work with a 6 pack of beer in hand...swallow about 4-5 xanax's and down them with alcohol. I would black out, wake up the next morning, and not remember ANYTHING of what went on. That didn't last long though, I was scared to death that there would come a day that I wouldn't wake up. So, after about 2-3 months of this, I voluntarily went to rehab for a week. I stopped the xanax in a three day period (and yes, those that say that withdrawaling from benzo's is the absolute worst, well...I have to agree!). I was scared and so very ashamed to have to have resorted to that, but I knew I needed help immediately. The other thing I was scared of was my husband...after the fact, he tried to have our child taken away from me, and of course he threw ALL of this in my face in front of a judge in court (my ex-husband didn't care at all...there was no way he would have wanted the responsibility of his two children). He made me feel like the biggest scum bag alive. Fortunately, since I did seek treatment and was successful, the judge sided with me. Fast forward to a few months later..my husband and I reconciled. It didn't take long before I became pregnant with our second child together (#4 for me). Everything was perfect throughout my pregnancy, and we started counceling together. I still had a hard time trusting him due to past issues though. We did really good even after the baby, although that is when I suffered with SEVERE depression again...almost to the point that I couldn't function. I also had the anxiety again. Even with my past experience with the xanax, I was prescribed klonopin. I was so extremely scared of becoming addicted, or abusing it though that I was SUPER careful taking it, and I saw a therapist once a week to ensure that I took it EXACTLY as prescribed. At that point, it wasn't a problem for me, I know longer even desired to feel "out of it", nor did I have the desire to pass out cold every night and forget everything. I took it for over a year..until I got pregnant again. I then easily weaned off it with my doctor's help. Unfortunately, I lost that pregnancy to my first ever miscarriage, and I was totally devastated. THAT was the start of my love affair with the pain pills. I had several complications after the miscarriage, so I was taking pain pills all of the time. For the first time in MANY, MANY years..I felt WONDERFUL. The depression was GONE, I was so full of energy, I was happy, I could function again!!!! My husband even like the "new" me, and actually begged me to stay on them. I was on them for about 4 months before I realized I was falling right back into a MAJOR problem. I went cold-turkey (and that was HELL!!! Of course now I've done the cold-turkey thing many times.....) and stopped taking them. I went back on anti-depressants and the klonopin, but still didn't feel very happy...and I was still very depressed. We tried for 9 more months to get pregnant again following that miscarriage...and I finally became pregnant with #5. Once again, I easily weaned of the klonopin (I no longer liked the "slowed down" feeling, I craved the "high" I got from the pain pills...so the benzos were strictly for panic attacks...I was, and am no longer, worried about taking them as I don't feel a thing from them...they just keep the panic away). This pregnancy was successful, and I had a beautiful baby girl 9 months later. For the first time ever though, I had to have a C-section (and it was an emergency one at that)...so tons of pain meds. after that. I also had lots of problems healing, the incision, etc...so I was on them for an extended period of time. I knew in my heart that problems woud arise soon if I didn't get off them though, so after 3 weeks, I stopped them...swearing that I would never touch another pain pill. Who was I kidding? I could feel the postpartum depression creeping in (especially since my husband works A LOT...he is gone 4-5 nights a week...so I'm home alone with 5 little ones....it's so easy to get burnt out and tired), so I started missing the pain pills. Well, the next thing I know...I also started having severe gastrointestinal problems, which was not good since I have Crohn's disease/colitis. After my first colonscopy, it was discovered that I was (and still am) indeed having a major flare, and I had literally hundreds of polyps in my intestines and colon...plus lots of inflammation. The disease itself also causes many other issues...severe arthritis in my joints, tons of abdominal pain and lower back pain, facial rashes, diarrhea, hair loss, etc. I was put on pain meds. by the specialist (no, I did not tell him about my past problems with them). My next course of action includes steroids, and possible daily injections to attempt to get my disease back in remission. Of course, I have to get to the doctor first. Things haven't been real great around here lately, mostly because my husband just doesn't know how to respond to me being sick. He still LIKES for me to be on the pain meds, because I can actually function, and I'm "happier" and more productive. I just don't know what to feel anymore....or what to do. I truly am unable to get out of bed without the meds because of the severe arthritis in my joints (mostly in my knees), and I HAVE to be able to function. Anyway...that is the "medical" aspect of what is going on...oh, and I'm still awaiting more pathology reports to see if any of the polyps are cancerous...I've had pre-cancerous polyps removed already, but because there are SO many now, it's going to take some time to determine what exactly we are dealing with. THat, and because of all the scar tissue and inflammation in my small bowel, the doctors have been unsuccessful in taking any biopsies in that area. We are looking at possible surgery to do a resection...where they will take out part of my intestines and then re-attach them so that we can get rid of some of the really bad parts. I still have SOOOO much more I want to say....more about my past with my parents (extremely abusive...not only physically, but verbally and mentally...which I believe hurts more...I can be hit, punched, whatever...but that doesn't hurt near as much as the cruel words spoken to me/about me), the present with my parents (to summarize, my children DO NOT have grandparents other than at Christmas and on birthdays...they are real good about buying gifts, but they sure do not want to spend ANY time with the kids..EVER), and of course, my past and present relationships. I hope I am not boring you all with this..and trust me, you do not have to read it all, lol, it is just helping SO much to let it out...to write it all out....to be able to express how various things have affected me. The one thing I'm sure of in this life is that I have 5 BEAUTIFUL children...they are my world. I thank God each and everyday for blessing me with them. They make me want to get better....in every aspect of my life. I know that i need to learn to love myself too...but trust me, that is going to take LOTS of time! ;) Right now, I'm VERY down on who I am, what I've become, and how selfish and childish I act at times.

Ok, that is my novel for the day, sorry it's a rambling mess once again. I had only a short window of time to write, so I wanted to get in the addiction part of my life for now. Like I said before, I will continue to write...but please do not feel obligated to read, or respond when I do write, I'm just looking at it as good, free therapy!!!! ;)

God Bless all of you and I hope you all have a SUPER weekend!!!!





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