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Hi Sara,

I've been in AA with my boyfriend since the beginning of July of this year. I originally went to be supportive of him. After bouncing back and forth between AA and AL-Anon, and some intense 'listening, reading and soul-searching', I felt more comfortable at AA.

I already new that at times, I drank too much. I have no problem admitting that I abused alcohol. I think it, no, "I allowed it" to get out of control when all my boyfriend wanted to do was hang out in bars. I couldn't get him to go out to the park to teach me roller-blading (ok, we did that, but only once), or take the dogs for a walk in the country, or go to any restaurant that didn't have a bar. Apparently, I played the part of, and volunteered to be a victim. But, the fact still remains, I didn't have to drink whenever he did, but I usually did. I never blamed him for my drinking, ever! Just like I didn't force him to drink, he didn't force me to drink either.

So many times I cut back my drinking because I "needed to take care of him" when he passed out. You know, while he was passed out, put out his ciggie so he wouldn't burn himself or the couch, take the booze filled glass from his hand so he didn't spill it on himself or the floor, stop him from almost falling over the balcony when he had to relieve himself, help him find the correct door to come back into. Someone had to be responsible. I can't believe I did these things. God, how easy I made it for him. But, I couldn't stop him. Physically, he's so much stronger than I am. Ok, so maybe I should have let the ciggie burn his fingers and let him wake up and put it out....but, the consequence to that is he could have dropped it on the sheets or the couch and caused a fire!

After doing all of these things for him, sometimes I felt like I needed a reward and it was his turn to take care of me if I over did it. Sure, like he was really capable of making that happen! So much for my clarity in thinking. So slowly, I began to wean myself off of it. I found that 2 glasses of beer were all that I could handle, not alcohol wise, but beer is rather filling. I spent more time running to the bathroom because beer goes right through me. :) And, I could nurse 2 beers for about 2 hours. It was my 2 beers vs. his 7 or 8 plus however many vodkas he would have....usually around 4 or 5. Then, would have to deal with whatever he would pick up on the way home.

However, I've been with other people, (i.e., friends, co-workers, ex relationships) and there was plenty of drinking going on. But, there was never any physical abuse of any kind at any time. Not even a hint of it. Not true with my current boyfriend. Won't go into details....but just think of an angry drunk who can be provoked with just the slightest look. Yes, maybe I provoked a drunk, but, there is never a reason to hit someone, choke someone, or throw things at someone. Never!

Anyway, I've been questioning if I am an alcoholic or not. What I figured instead of trying to decide if I was or wasn't, I would keep going to both meetings, practicing the steps (I'm only still working on 1-3), and keeping an open mind.

I 'think' I can honestly say that I am not an alcoholic, BUT, I was well on my way. Maybe I'm in denial, but if that's the case, I trust that in time, or rather my Higher Power's time, I'll be able to admit it, if it is true. I don't think I need to judge this in black and white, but rather shades of gray. I do believe there are stages to alcoholism and I think that I was well on my way to the advanced beginning level, if there is such a thing. I guess it depends who you talk with. Again, I'm not interested in black or white, either you are or you aren't mentalities. I'm more interested in what I'm doing to help better myself whether or not I can conclusively confirm yes or no!

If I may, please let me share this with you. My boyfriend had about 100 days or so in the program.....he went back out....and moved out of our apartment last night. Considering the condition he was in when he left, I don't know if he is dead or alive. Haven't heard from him and I haven't called him. I thought about taking his keys, but knew better than to provoke him when he gets like that. And by me trying to take his keys would provoke him. Been there, done that, paid the price for it too. I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that he could be injured, dead, and possibly injured others while driving. But I had to let him go and suffer his own consequences. But if he ended up hurting someone else, I wouldn't blame the families of that victim(s) to be angry with me for not trying to stop him. I know I would initially feel that way if a drunk hurt/killed one of my loved ones. I am trying so hard to put it out of my head and ask my Higher Power to take this from me, or, show me how to better deal with it.

Anyway, this is an exammple of his state of mind a couple of days ago. He "claims I took away his sobriety", stalked my car when I was at an AA meeting, saw that I was walking out of the meeting with 2 women, drove by and in front of everyone yelled out to me "you make me drunk, even when I'm sober!" When I got home, he swears he saw me sneak out of the meeting with another man, and, swears that the 2 women I was walking out at the end of the meeting with were men. It scares me to think that nothing I say to him he will believe if he can't even believe his own eyes.

Anyway, I'm happy that you are happy! It sounds like you are really enjoying the benefits that you are reaping.

My best to you,

Gianna





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