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Addiction & Recovery Message Board


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Hello everyone,

I have posted on this board a few times before, but it has been a couple months now. Basically, I posted a while back explaining a little about my history with drug addiction, and my current problems with hydrocodone. I wrote a very long post about this, but I will go back over my history briefly, I am sure most people wonít remember my post. Really, I just want to get to a question I have about my boyfriend and how to explain my addiction. I am really struggling with trying to get off pills, and feeling like my boyfriend, though he wants to help, really doesnít understand. I will get to explain that situation/problem after going over a little history. I am sorry if this post turns into an incredibly long rant, but I have so much on my mind.

So, anyway, I am a 22-year-old female, a senior at a 4-year college. I have a very long history with addiction, about 10 years now, which feels like forever to me, considering I am young, and this constitutes just about half of my life. Since I was about 11 years old, I have abused some substance or another. Even though I have probably been a drug addict/alcoholic in one form or another since childhood, I don't feel that I truly knew addiction until I discovered painkillers a few years ago. It was over two years ago now that I got heavily addicted to pills. I started by buying morphine and oxycontin off the street, and got addicted before I knew it. From the first time I took pills, I just felt it was the drug for me. I was addicted to the morphine for about a year, until my supply ran out. Desperate, I looked into ordering pills online, and as I do have a legitimate problem with severe migraines, the pills were not hard to obtain. I thought in going from very strong narcotics to weaker ones (the hydrocodone), I would be able to control my addiction. Little did I know, at least for me, hydrocodone would be the most difficult drug to get off of, that I have ever encountered. My addiction quickly shot to taking 20 or more Norco or Lortab 10's daily. I am scared to death that I am killing my liver with all of the Tylenol I am consuming on a daily basis. Really, I don't know what to do anymore. I am so frightened, and I feel so helpless. I work about 30 hours a week at a low paying job. All of my money goes to ordering pills. All of my time and energy seems to be spent procuring pills, counting pills, taking pills, and worrying about how to get more pills. I am not the same person I used to be. I am no longer a social drug user at all. I take pills alone constantly; none of my friends take them or understand at all what I am going through. I want to be me again, the person I used to be. I donít want a drug to control my life. I need to get over the withdrawal, actually get all of the way through it instead of panicking and giving up within a couple of days, like I do every time. It is more and more discouraging every time I fail, I have not successfully withdrawn from the pills since I started taking them years ago.

I no longer feel like a normal person. It is hard for me to make friends now. I can not go out and have a drink at a bar without worrying I will have liver failure on the spot, considering I am consuming thousands of mgs of Tylenol a day. I cannot be spontaneous and go do things, I have to constantly plan how many pills I will need to get through the day. I am incredibly busy all of the time, which doesn't help. I go to school two days a week. I used to be extremely serious about school. Lately, however, I just can't keep up. The five days of the week I am not at school, I am working, usually all day. I cannot afford to miss any school, as my grades and graduation are already hanging in a precarious balance. I cannot miss work either. With being so busy all of the time, I find it nearly impossible to quit taking pills. I have tried to stop several times, but I am always in so much pain, and in such a state of complete panic that I break down by the second or third day. It is impossible for me to keep up my schedule when I am so sick. I have tried so many times to come up with pill tapering plans, but it never seems to work. I am really at a complete loss on what to do. Still, I am determined to stop taking the pills. I am going to try and try until I get it.

My whole pill addiction has become much more complicated as of late. About 3 months ago now, I began dating a coworker, someone whom I had been casually friends with for a while. The coworker knew a little of my drug addiction, and seemed reluctant to get involved with me initially, but we quickly fell for each other, and ended up dating anyway. Now our relationship is to the point where I sleep at his house more than my own. I am truly falling in love with this guy, and it is amazing. He is caring and wonderful in many ways. When I have conversations with him about my pill addiction, he sometimes tries to understand, but really, I don't think that he does. He has been telling me for some time now that if I don't stop taking the pills, and soon, he will leave me. This crushes me. The thought of losing someone, whom I like so much, over these STUPID pills, is the most horrible thing. But I just cannot stop taking the pills, or at least it is extremely, extremely hard for me to stop though there are a million reasons why I need to quit. I want to stop so badly, but it is such a struggle.

While my boyfriend is genuinely caring in so many ways, he doesnít seem to know how to help or how to act at all when I try to quit the pills. Really, the whole thing seems to just annoy him at times, which I feel so bad about. I donít to bother him, I want him to see that this is a real problem and Iím doing the best I can.

I mean, just talking about my addiction with him is great, he listens so patiently, and can be so nice about it, and it is a huge relief to have someone to talk to. Still, he seems to think that addiction is something that you can just stop, if you want to. He thinks that I have a willpower problem, which I suppose I do, but I don't think he understands that I feel completely out of control, I no longer feel it is a choice to take pills. Also, he doesn't seem to understand that when I try to stop taking the pills, I am truly SICK. I feel horrible, I am in excruciating pain, and mentally I am a complete wreck. I just need him to be understanding with me when I try to stop, just for a few days. I hate putting him through this, I feel guilty and embarrassed, but at this point I have no choice, I need him. I am not if the whole thing scares him or what, but I feel like he avoids me when I am going through withdrawals. I will be laying on his bed crying, in so much pain, with violent cramps, and the only thing I want is for him to lay with me, talk to me, rub my back, do SOMETHING to distract me. I will tell him how bad I feel, and I know he cares about me, but for some reason he would just rather hang out with his roommate and watch movies than be with me. Maybe I am asking too much of him? I don't want to burden him. He is such a good person, and I know he truly WANTS to help me and see me get off pills, I really think he just does not understand HOW addictive pills are. I don't know how to explain to him how serious pill addiction is. I know I cannot put all of this on him, and I donít want to. I want to get help for myself. But right now, my immediate concern is just getting off of the pills, as soon as possible, and for that I need his support, or at least some understanding. I am going to try to stop again this week, and I need to talk to him first.

I was wondering if anyone has had a similar experience with this, explaining to a boyfriend/girlfriend about a painkiller addiction. AND, mainly, I am REALLY hoping some of you out there have some stories you could share with me about your own experiences (or those experiences of a loved one), with hydro addiction, hydro withdrawal, and the whole recovery/relapse process. I was thinking that maybe my boyfriend and I could look at this board together, I think he could learn a lot from all of your enlightening posts. I am going to show him this post, I hope it will show how I feel. But please, if anyone who has had problems with pills could please post, with personal stories, or advice on how to help someone through withdrawal (or at least how to deal with someone in withdrawal) that would be amazing. Any input would be so greatly appreciated, because as I said, I am trying to stop again soon and I need to get this all out in the open. I just want him to see what a real struggle it is to get off of hydrocodone, but that it isn't hopeless, it can be done. For anyone who actually read my post to this point, thank you so much. I hope everyone on the board is doing well, and thanks in advance for any comments or stories.

Venus21





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