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Addiction & Recovery Message Board


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Ggrl,

Im feeling unchained. I loved your post, thanks! It feels good that someone can relate to me re: being a single mom.

I think a reason I feel in the "black hole" is that on the pink cloud I set myself up in a posison to be hurt. I hope other people read this that are new in sobriety, because I learned a valuable lesson. ::::::

I have been dating a wonderful guy for almost 3 years. He is an addict/alcoholic as well. When I got back from treatment I started freaking out during my 4th step. I looked at all the crap Ive done in the past and it made me feel like a miserable person. Ya know how you hurt the people closest to you? (Well I do) I pointed fingers at him, judged him about not working and missing child support payments and I "took on his problems" I decided I couldn't have all my bs to deal w/ and his too! I figured if I could find someone w/ a great job, and a stable mind I could feel more secure- ((((that was my diseased mind thinking)))) - sick isent it?
Anyway after two weeks of doing things my way while still trying to work steps 6 and 7, I felt like my heart was ripped out of me and I was miserable which combined with my back pain made me want to use.

Heres the good part: I called him the day b 4 yesterday and told him the break up had nothing to do w/ his character, it was about my insecurites. I told him I was acting out of fear and I was scared that I had so much crap to deal with, so many ammends to make that when I took on his problems too It was wrong. The deal is I keep my side of the street clean and you keep yours. I absolutely need to go to an Alanon meeting. I always have known Im co- dependant but when you see it effect your life- and a reason to use again Im ready to do something to bring it to the light and work on it.

He (my boyfriend), said he has been putting his own life on hold so he could take care of me over the past year. (He is the one who let me borrow the money for rehab)- he is the one that took care of me when I would take 5 ambien and do things I don't remember.

We talked yesterday and he said he will no longer put my problems first- but will take care of himself, and his son, and feverishly look for a job. He said: why would you want to be with me when Im not putting my program first( taking care of his addiction and alcoholism. )

Im off my high horse now. Im back to reality, and Im ready to do the work as it comes. Im not going to fret about finishing in warp speed. Im going to ask God to re-direct my thinking when the cravings come.

It is really ridiculous how much everyone on this board has helped me.
Im lucky to be alive and blessed to have friends like you!

I love yall'!
P.S. Ggrl: when I was in rehab I gave my mom to God- (she's never been there for me) So I learned to pray... Dear Heavenly Father, Heavenly Mother.

Because God is now my Mother and my Father.

Love Ya,

Sara





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