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Well I've spilt my guts .........go back and read some of these stories and decide if you're more scared to stop or to go on taking them. [/QUOTE]

Hi Marilyn,

I could have quoted everything you wrote in your reply and used it as my reply also! Your story is my story is her story is his story is all of our scares and comforts me to read these posts as they are so much the same. As much as I would love to address each new person who comes here with a hydro addiction, I have to be honest and say that it is hard to give a proper welcome, the reasons that got me here, and words of advice or comfort. It has become my script and yes, the user names and the "-odone" of choice may differ, but everything else is so similar that it is difficult to make a heartfelt reply each time. So I'd like to thank you for taking that time you do on almost each new thread. Picking up after us and for us (who know how important it is to offer the words we were given when we first came here), well...I just wanted you to know that I notice what you do, and I appreciate it very much.

Why I quoted only this part of your post, though, is because I really wanted to thank you for filling us in a bit more on who you are...I had you down as a boardie who has been off her DOC for quite awhile. Perhaps I missed your earlier posts or just didn't get it myself in reading them! I really had no idea that you still use. Just like you, I made the decision that the two weeks of using was worth the two weeks of being out, but then eventually I decided it wasn't necessary to have to deal with those bad two weeks and simply found another source to fill in the calendar. Tolerance, loving the warm fuzzies, you know what I mean...and I didn't think it necessary to have to endure those two weeks anymore, despite the cost which was and still is so very, very high, so I started taking more and more. Like Dani, my 3-4/day went to 5-7, and eventually when I turned to methadone maintenance therapy, I was at 12-15/day. Yikes!

I was like you with my prescriptions, and just like with my monthly cycle, I only had about two good weeks a month. It is a trade off when there is real pain involved, and I often think that besides the high cost of the Suboxone, the fact that there is pain relief in Methadone is the primary reason I chose that route. But in the end there is always going to be the mental pain, isn't there? It lingers, it emerges (and so often at the worst of times!) it keeps us aware and alert to the dangers that surround us, and I suppose that heightened state of awareness we develop because of our past pains and circumstances is one of the good things that come out of being an addict. I have to believe something good comes from the bad, and so I would say that another good thing that evolves from addiction is the empathy addicts often are so easily able to show others. Unfortunately we don't always get it from the ones we turn to for it, such as family and friends, and that's why this board has become so important to me, because just like you said...there is no judgment day here. I see us as a group of temporarily lost souls who need understanding, compassion, advice, and people to just listen to us to go along with our psychological compasses as we take a stab at one of the recovery options we have available to us in hopes of finding it to be our way back to wherever we left off in life when we made that wrong turn that took us from "kicks" to addiction.

Well, I wanted to formerly introduce myself to you also, and thank you for your kind words as to the post I made as we all try to help our fellow boardie and opiate user, Christianmom. I so hope she finds the inner peace she needs so badly. Oh how I would love to do counseling rather than be the front-desk girl in a real estate office...LOL! Not only do I have soooo far to go in dealing with my addiction and the driving forces that got me there in the first place, but the responsibility counseling carries have to be taken very seriously, and because I am now finding myself on the verge of relapse, well...let's just say I'm one of those who often falls into that group of folks who say "do what I say, not what I do," yet when I offer up my words, I do sincerely mean it and say it with all my best intentions.

Welcome Dani, and like Marilyn eluded to, your story is all over this board, just under different user names! Just please know that you aren't alone in your hydro addiction, and it's been my experience that this board deals with that addiction more so than some of the other addictions. That tells you, too, how common it is and how much information and help you will find here. For me, it's a great place to come to spill the things we can't seem to be able to tell others because truly, unless you've been there, you really can't understand. I hope to read more of your posts, and maybe offer a word or two more, but I did want to chime in with the others and say that yes, there are options, and sometimes it's just hard to see them when in the full throws of addiction. It's true, also, that by posting here you have made a huge step in starting recovery. In my earlier days (a mere several mths. ago!) I would not have agreed with that as my denial was so strong, but sincerely, it's huge what you've done just by coming here, reading up and researching, and then ultimately posting and reaching out...

We understand, so I hope you'll stick around!

All my best,
Dallas Alice

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