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Hi my friends, Lynn, Alice, Lisa, Michelle, Sara, ChristianMom, Ellnyc...and all the rest of the gang on this last day of 2004...

All I can say is my, my, what a year it has been. For me I've come from the deepest depth of my pill addiction and the brink of suicide to finding this place of comfort and support and safety, then to moving a bit further forward and seeking out this methadone clinic I now go to 5 days a week and which has become such an integral part of my life...but then for every success, there was that dang relapse, but now, back on my feet and vertical once again, I am trying to rediscover those things that for a few precious months allowed me to see a glimpse of the future--my future, and truly "feel" emotionally and physically all those things that, as Lynn told me once, for her seem to be what make up life. And she's right...they do! I loved the chance to work at the mortuary, and I love this forum and so many of the really special people who are on it...doing some form of the addiction/recovery dance that for whatever reason, 2004 was the year we decided to change our lives...I wonder at that, and I will always remember this year fondly regardless of it being the year I "bottomed out" so to say, but bucked up somehow and am trying, along with you all, to do something about it.

As for resolutions, I am not big on those (and I don't want to set myself up for failure) but for 2005, I hope to continue to be off pills, and I vow to make, or resurrect, new and/or old friends, I will turn 48, my son will turn 17 and become a H.S. Junior, my daughter will be 13 and go into 8th grade, I will hopefully celebrate my first anniversay on July 13 of my methadone treatment, I will lose 15 lbs., I will write just for the sake of writing, I will post more, I will let those I love know that I love them, I will go on an "art" date sans the kids once a week, I will drink more water, I will read more, I will stretch more, I will go to more meetings, I will take an upcoming class in Januaray on co-dependency, I will talk more to my sister, I will plan a vacation this coming summer with my kids to go to Wyoming and meet their triplet cousins and my great nephews and neice, I will ride a horse again, I will stop waiting for romantic love to come knocking at my door and will continue to better myself and learn more about who I am and what makes me "tick," so that when love and I bump into each other...I'll be wise and open enough to recognize it.

Those are my resolutions, or maybe better to say "hopes" for this next year. Funny how my resolution of years past was just one simple line, "I will find cheaper sources for my vicodin addiction and I will try to take them "as directed!" OMG, LOL...! I really used to do that :rolleyes: .

Lynn, about not feeling like posting...please don't pressure yourself, I so understand. You, of all people, know I've 'dropped out' of here more than once, and it was for reasons that you understood and some others didn't, but all in all, it was just what I felt I needed to do so I wouldn't like, oh, I don't know...make a posting faux pas!? Anyway, when you are ready, I am here, always anxious to read a post from you--and your sis. I really do think I understand that flatness you describe; and I think that's a great adjective to use for the feeling of life after fake life. It is flat, and downright boring at times! That's why I want to rediscover the little things I was learning about before my relapse, because maybe life is just a lot of little things that we see or hear or experience, and maybe we have to be happy with that, and know that can be enough for us now...after all, we tried the dangerous, drug-addict route and look how that turned out! Yikes...!

But I, too, miss my energy-in-a-pill, my enhancers of the little things, my friends and pals, the smell of a newly opened bottle of 120 yellow norcos and the feeling of looking at them and thinking they would last forever...just like the way we used to view those 3 mths. of summer between the school years, they'd stretch out ahead of us and last forever, but then before we knew it, school was once again upon us...just like the dwindling of a huge bottle of pills, how could they go so dang fast!? Always a build up to a big let down.

I so hope this is another year of miraculous changes in all of our lives. Look at last year, I kicked suicide and vicodin with the help of you all and methadone! Twins, you've made a choice to give up the oxy's and hydros for the sanctuary of suboxone so you can have the time to heal and regroup and allow those natural endorphins to show themselves. Look at CMom and her HUGE decision to give sub a second try, I'm so very happy for her! And one of her last posts, I read her mentioning of thinking of sub for herself, but one thing about that gal, she NEVER gives up! And our Michelle, sober 7 months! That is not the girl I was reading about while I was lurking before I posted last summer. Then there's Sara, what a whirlwind this year was for her, eh?! She's a changed woman...I can tell from her posts. What I'm saying is that we've all changed, and for the least in terms of drug addiction and other things that we share on here.

So I say to all of you, Happy New Year, and when you look back and ponder what you've accomplished this last year, be confident that from this poster's eyes at least, it was a heck of a lot...I mean a HUGE heck of a lot! I also want to say thank you all for brightening up this last year, and in many ways, you all contributed to literally saving (or at least prolongting) my life. That is an enormous achievement for me to not be thinking of suicide all the time, and I am so very glad that I don't think of it anymore...I couldn't have gotten this far without your open ears and hearts. Please don't ever downplay the role you have not only in my life, but in the many members here, as well as the other lurkers whom I suspect are out there reading up on you and me and all the other members right this very minute. I've learned a lot here, and I look forward to what 2005 will teach me. Let's all take a moment to reflect, to unblock our creativity, and not be so hard on ourselves for waiting or faltering or for still trying to decide...we've moved forward, we've bettered ourselves, and we've been very lucky to find each other...

All my love on this New Year's Eve, 2004 :),

Dallas Alice

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