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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index

I recently have finally come to term with my addiction to narcotic painkillers. I have no preference lortab, vicoden, hydrocodone, percocet, they are all the same sometimes I get a stronger mg than other times thats it. I have had a pretty steady flow of them for three years now. I for some reason save the empty bottles and one time counted them up and the number of each perscription and figured I have had enough through prescription and the times I bought them on the street to have been able to take about one a day for almost this whole three years. Sometimes I binged others I took them less, and of course my tolerance has gone up so now I need more. It is partly due to the fact that I play a college lacrosse and have had a string of injuries. From major bone breaks and surgery to minor sprains bruises etc. I bought them on the street with the excuse that I was still hurting, and that the doctor did not understand my pain. Several times I had legimate reasons to use something stronger that an OTC, but others I over played smaller injuries in order to get drugs, but I was just fooling myself. When I started to crush and sniff them it was, because I hurt so much and it was better to sniff it, and that is partly true, but it was also because I needed to get high. The reality check hit recently I had shoulder surgery in July, and after a car accident in October my shoulder started to get worse again, and I found out it had ruined the surgery. So I had a steady flow of pain pills coming in and did need them at some points, but I started sniffing agian. My wife of only eight months caught me one day. The look in her eyes made me realize I had a problem, but instead of breaking down and telling her I might have more of a problem I told her I would be ok when my shoulder was better. I had shoulder surgery agian, and will have a supply for a long time agian, and I broke down though and sniffed agian. I feel like the biggest scum on the planet that I could do that I love my wife more than anything yet my love for her was not enough to stop me from sniffing after she told me she would not accept it if I did it agian. I know I am phycologically addicted and minus withdrawls I know this can be worse at times than physical addiction. Does that mean I don't love my wife. I mean why would I do that to us I don't understand. How do I know if I am physically addicted, how can I overcome my mental addiction. When I got caught It was the worst day of my life to see my wife so disappointed and betrayed, but I thought now I can do it I can stop for good my love for her is more than some stupid pill. She believed in me and trusted me and I let her down agian, but I know I love her, but I don't know what to do. What is worse for your health sniffing them or swallowing them? Which way is more addictive? How would I am know if I am physically addicted? Please any help would be great I just canít ruin my life my marriage is the best thing that ever happened to me and I love my wife so much, but I am scared. I have not been sniffing, but I think about it and I want to I canít bring myself to throw away my little sniffing tools ie blades, sniffer, powder holder. My wife has not asked me if I have sniffed any pills, but I am scared if she does I might lie to her, because I am scared that if I tell her she might leave me and I need her. I did go find about a NA meeting and am going to try and go to that and see if it helps. I went to an AA meeting once for a class, and I felt like it was a good thing. I am sorry for the novel.

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