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Hello everyone. I am a 25 year old female who has found herself under the opiate spell.

I have been suffering with depression and body dysmorphia for over 3 years now. I experience extreme sadness, rage and jealousy that affects my home life, work, and things I used to find pleasure in. I've been to several therapists and on countless amounds of different antidepresents. Nothing has worked, needless to say.

A few months ago, probably around July, I began experimenting with cocaine. Before this, I'd only drank and smoked the occasional joint. I wanted to try coke as a "diet aide" more than anything. As we all know, those anti-d's can sure pack on the pounds. I skyrocketed from 107 to 135 in a matter of months on those things. Not pleasant for someone so ashamed of how they look, they could rarely leave the house. So, I got some cocaine to help curb the eating and to also feel that euphoric feeling. I fell in love with it instantly and used for about two months straight. Needless to say, the pounds began to melt away and I felt better about myself. I used moderately everyday but if I didn't have any, I didn't feel hooked. I would crave it, but never really had any physical or mental withdrawals. The last batch I got was horrible though. It made me irritable, panicky, my heart raced, I cried many times. It was obviously cut with crappy stuff and my other dealer had stopped selling so I was in a rut. That is until I began experiencing excruciating pain in my mouth...

I went to the dentist, expecting a cavity but instead found out I had two very bad infections behind two of of my three wisdom teeth and was told to immediately go to an oral surgeon to have them removed. Until then, I was prescribed Vicodin 7.5/500 for the pain.

And that is when I fell in love with opiates. I took that first pill and was in the most euphoric heaven ever. I was warm, fuzzy, content and for the first time in years, my depression just seemed to fade away. Of course, the vics helped with the pain as well. Ibuprofren wasn't cutting it.

My appointment to get my teeth extracted wasn't until mid january and this was at the first of december. I took the vicodins everday, at work, at home, everywhere. That feeling was incredible. No longer did I worry about how ugly I was or how I didn't match up to today's standards. I didn't care about anything. I felt myself more kind and empathetic to people I normally couldn't stand to look at. My work was flourishing. On the Vics, I was so thourough and meticulous and for the first time, I was actually enjoying a job I had hated for 5 years.

Unfortunately, my 'script ran out and I found myself already desperate for more after just 2 weeks. I went back to my family dentist and asked for more. She told she would only give me some after tried to flush the bacteria from my tooth that was bothering. This meant going under nitrous, which I loved, and cutting open part of my gum. All this to get that 'script for only 8 more pills. By this time, my tolerance was up and those 8 pills sure didn't last me long. I found myself drinking codeine/phenegran cough syrup to try to get that fuzzy feeling back to no avail. I was a mess. My best friend was finally able to cop some oxycodone off the street for 10 bucks a pop. I ended up buying 20 and was again in sweet bliss for a good week and a 1/2. I felt happier and more alive than ever.

Unfortuantely, my family began to notice my behavior and questioned me about the pills. My sister is an RN and works with "junkies" on a daily basis. She'd noticed the cough syrup gone, and my mother had found an empty percocet bottle in my closet (another friend of mine lent me 3 of those from when she gave birth). I reassured them it was nothing and I'd quit the pain killers after I got my wisdom teeth removed. Of course, they didn't believe me.

Two weeks before my menstral cycle, I always get very depressed and have extreme PMS. I found myself drinking heavily and using coke here and there again b/c my pills had run out. I tried to taper slowly in order not to have withdrawals but it didn't work. I had no physical withdrawals but the mental stuff was unbearable. I was also still experiencing pain in my jaw, chin and ear from the infected wisdom tooth. I begged my oral surgeon to get me in for my consultation faster, he's an old family friend, so he did. Looking at the x-rays, he could see I had legitimate pain and prescribed more pills. This time, Norco, 10/325. I was heaven once again. I eased up on the drinking and coke and just wallowed in opiate bliss until I couldn't see straight. Heaven, pure heaven. I was enjoying life again. Working hard, going out socially, meeting new people all without the worries of what I looked like or how inferior I felt.

And of course, the day that script ran out came all to soon. I decided to bite the bullet and order a bottle of Norco online. I was still experiencing pain, even more so now, b/c of the wisdom tooth. I was getting migraines and developed a large lymphnode behind my ear due to the infection. I didn't feel like i was doing anything wrong. The doc approved my request and within a few days I had a bottle of 30 Norcos at my door. Again, so much love for these things. No worries. No pain. No nothing.

I finally made it to my surgery on Tuesday. I was out of the Norcos but the surgeon prescribed more. 15 to be exact and I'm already down to 8. I'm a nervous wreck b/c I know they will be gone in no time. My teeth are sore and I still have that swollen lymph so I don't feel so bad about requesting another 'script and re-filling my order online. Maybe I'm fooling myself, finding legitimate excuses to why I adore these pills so much but regardless, I'm hooked. Wow, first time I've admitted that. I am HOOKED.

I've had to hide a lot of my activity from my family as they are extremely worried. However, they have isolated me and use the "J" word quite often. Yeah, junky. I am ashamed when they jump my case instead of try to support my condition. I am also on Effexor and Xanax. The Effexor doesn't do crap for my depression. I've been on Xanax for 6 years now due to severe anxiety and I am finding myself abusing that as well.

I've been off work this week b/c of my surgery. Yesterday, I woke up to two Norcos, found myself in complete bliss and went about my daily routine in a content state. They wore off around 6 pm so I began to down the xanaxs. I ended up taking 5 mgs and felt a beautiful euphoria with these as well (I usually only take 1 mg per day). I was mellow, relaxed and felt great.

Anyways, I'm sorry for this long post. No one is fully aware of my "addiction" except for my best friend. He is the only one I can turn to. He doesn't bash me or call me names like junky or druggie. He is concerned but knows I have a hard head and if anything he tries to help me score b/c he's seen the suicide attempts, the cutting, the extreme depression.

So, that is my story. My 2.5 month love affair with opiates. I don't want to do rehab and I know I will have to eventually get off these things. My question is, will tapering work? I've had plenty of experience tapering off the numerous antidepressants so I'm wondering if this would work with a few months of 20-40 mgs of opiates? I do not want to go to rehab. I must keep my job. I want to do this on my own. I would like to hear your suggestions and input on how I can do this.

Ahhh, the tears are rolling. I'm so ashamed but can't wait to get up in the morning and dose up at the same time.

I would like some support and would be happy to support you all as well to the best of my ability. As much as I loathe myself, I do consider myself a good listener and caring individual. I'm just going through such a tough time now.....please, help.

With much love and respect,

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