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Hi Goddessgirl,

In reading your post, I found myself reflecting on what it would be like if I found myself in the situation, the place, you found yourself in when you went to see and hear your son hone his craft and play at a club last night. First, I am glad you had so much fun, and I think there is always a feeling of anticlimax after a big night out...you know? A sort of post-holiday letdown, too, if you will.

In trying to put myself in your blue suede shoes and be in the room you were in last night, I think that would be such a hard thing to do and not feel temptation in the air and on your mind. I can relate to your feeling sad, being reminded of things good and bad that happened in places like the bars and clubs visited in days now long gone. When you take a stroll down memory lane and all the sensory triggers are there--the smells (alcohol, cigarettes, the way the carpets in clubs smell after so many drinks have been spilled on them, the mingling of various scents--womens' perfume, mens' cologne, the sweat from dancing), and the sounds (music--great music, rock'n'roll, good times, people laughing, chatting, loud noises, toasts and high-fives, the conversations, even hugs, and often feelings of closeness towards people not truly well known to us but who, as the night goes on, can sometimes take on the persona of a real friend as if you've known them all your life), our vanity rising (trips to the bathroom to brush our hair, touch up makeup under those unforgiving flourescent lights, and to make clothing adjustments that can't be done outside), seeing the young partiers (like we used to be) and the strange sensations that can happen to us even now--as better-adjusted adults working on our recovery--when music, drugs, drinking, false and real feelings of happiness, and all those things from our past lives are surrounding us once again, well...I think I can understand why you are feeling reflective and dark today.

That is how I envision your evening out last night, but the difference for you vs. how it would be for me, was in your being there to see your son doing something he loves, and to be viewing all of these peripheral images through the eyes of a parent watching her son doing his music and who is there to see and support and be happy for him as he's found a craft that he enjoys and is good at--then to have all these reminders of a different time and place in your life be around you, along with the fun you had, I imagine you found yourself flashing back on some old visuals that you may have not thought of in awhile...? I don't know how to really describe it, but I know the power of smells and sounds, and if I were to walk into a r&r club, I would immediately be transported back to a different place and time in my life,

You just had an evening of a broad range of emotions--from having a great time and now to the dark reflection and concerns for your recovery. Throw in your Sub taper, and you have all the ingredients for a day like the one you've described yourself having. I am so glad that you are the kind of person who allows herself to feel what she is feeling...you seem to never try to cover them up, or downplay things, or shrug events such as this off as nothing...in your spirituality and light, you not only acknowledge it but you offer it up to us as food for thought, also. Because you can do that and because of your mental and emotional strengths, I truly feel that everything is going to be alright for you. I know 14 mths. is not that long, but in some terms it is, and when I can say I've been clean 14 months--it will seem like an eternity.

Goddessgirl, I kind of took a detour from my main point, but in trying to be where you were, a little blast from my own past crept out and I digressed from the body of my post...and that is simply to say, that yes, you can do this. You're already doing it, you know? You didn't have a setback or a relapse, you had a night out that gave you a lot of sensory reminders of your old life, and it's okay to reflect on your old life...it's made you who you are now, and who you are now seems to be a wonderful person with a creative and talented family. It is good to not squelch whatever feelings got stirred up, so use this as an exercise in your recovery and carry on...I am confident that you will do this and you will be fine as you continue to taper.

Love,
Dallas Alice





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