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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index

Feb 21, 2005
Sorry for the long post
I have been seriously addicted to vicodin for 2 years on and off whenever myfamily would find out I was using. First run was 13 months upto 10 10mg pills a day, clean for 3 or 4 months then another 4 months of around 5 10mg a day, clean for a month then another 2 months of around 3 10mg a day. Each time i stopped was because of family intervention from a failed drug test and being sent either to detox or having to do it at home. I did 90 meetings in 90 days the first time i got clean and i rmember feeling great, but it seems somuch harder now for some reason. I can be satsfied with 2 vicodin a day and my tolerance has never ever increased over a 2 yr period, even at 10 pills a day a half a pill would still make me feel okay for a small ammount of time and prevent withdrawal. Opiates from the very beggining make me feel normal, and high doses arent neccesarily in my case. Sometimes I have very limited withdrawal lasting only 2 or 3 days of being uncomofrtable and bad cravings and then after that feeling physically fine but with serious mental obessesion and compulsion for the drug. I consider myself a little different then most because of my irregular tolerance which doesnt seem to get higher and my usuing patterns are every single day and if i have a certain ammount of pills theres always enough. I dont eat all of them untl they are gone in one night, in other words i feel very good and normal on a bunch of small doses of vicodin throughout every day. That has always been my habit, occasionally taking high doses when I had themoney to do so. Im 18 years old, put my parents through alot, just want to stop this for good. The cravings are unbelievable and esspecially at my small doses and history. Literally I could get a bottle of vicodin and take less then prescribed and feel okay, but without them I feel like i cant function, i dont know if thats a mental thing or what it is but i cant live with this anymore. Im a really god kid with good intentions supposed to goto college in september have only 3 months left of school, should be getting my car back in june, things are looking good but not to me. I have somuch to loose but i still want to take vics, iknow i can stay clean for x ammount of days but it is a jail sentence and I always seem to go back when everyone is trusting and I am doing well, usually when i go back people comment on how good I am acting how improved I am and how things seem like there much better that im clean or so they think. I dont know if all this postive talk about the drug is my own rationalization but I really see it as true, imean im so confused without them. My doctor suggested he put me on suboxone, it might seem rediculous to some people it is normally a last resort for people taking high doses of opiates looking to lead a normal life. Im 12 days clean now and I cant even take it anymore, NO w/ds just mental cravings that are INTENSE and unexplainable. My thinking is that mabye a VERY small daily dose of suboxone would help, and im probably right and so is my doctor. I dont meet with him for 2 days to talk about it but if im going onto this i want it to be longterm, is that healthy?, is it even done?. If im going to be on it for several months and then taken off only to feel as bad as I feel now or worse then whats the point, whynot just wait for my inevitable relapse back to vicodin. If i do relapse im going to be kicked out of my house and loose everything. But despite such terrible sonsequences i still want to use. i feel like im going crazy..... its such insane thinking and irrational. If i get onto suboxone it will make me feel comfortable while prevetning relapse, mabye i will always need to be on some matnaince drug but its just so confsuing how i can be SO dependent on such low doses of vicodin to feel normal. Sorry for the rambling and long post, i am very confused and trying to understand the whole suboxone thing. Is it possible or even safe to go on suboxone longterm for many years?, If anyone can just clear some things up or give me some advice im so young with this **** and im confused. Mabye on a legal maitnance drug like suboxone i can lead a normal life instead of inevitably relapsing and ruining my chances for college, etc. This is a big turning point in my life and i need help. Thanks everyone

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