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Re: Scared
Mar 13, 2005

I never expected such a response from so many since I've been MIA for so long. I truly appreciate everyone's kind words, advice, experiences, and thoughts. I went to the ER, but wasn't seen due to the 2-3 hour wait to get in. I probably would have been considered more of a "rush" to be seen if I would have been completely honest with the intake nurse, but I feel as if I can wait until tomorrow (Monday) to call my doctor and get in. First of all, as many of you know I have Crohn's disease. It flare-up after the birth of my last child (she is 16 mos. old), and that is when the pain pill abuse started again (I had a 4 month problem with them once before...after having a miscarriage). Some of the meds. I had to take for my Crohn's required me to get weekly liver checks, but that has been many months ago (my gastro. doc dropped me because I refused one of his treatments..the Remicade infusions). Since then, I went first on my major pain pill binge (getting up to 20-30 Norcos daily), but what I never mentioned is that I was drinking along with them at night. They made me feel good, but they also made me feel nervous, so I felt I had to drink with them to feel "really good". Then of course I started the Sub. I didn't do well the first time around (as some of you know), and stopped it for about a 2 week period. I've been back on it ever since and have been doing well. Then, my husband found out he has severe back problems (they found a tumor during an MRI, which turned out to be a nerve sheeth tumor~ it's benign, thank God!). Well, of course now HE is on pain pills. He does not take them often, but I absolutely HATE having them around (he does hide them, knowing of my problems, but it's not easy to find them once in awhile). Soooo, I've gotten into the habit of taking a few here and there, even though they don't do a darn thing to me since I'm on the Sub (stupid, huh?). This past week has been an extremely bad one, and on two different nights~ I took 4-8 pain pills and drank 4-6 beers with them. Because of this, I started to get really worried...and feeling really guilty and ashamed. The "wake-up" call occurred about two days ago...after ingesting the pills and alcohol, I began to vomit. It was dark black. I've been vomiting daily since. Also, I have pain under my right rib cage (not severe, just an annoying, dull ache), and my abdomen is quite swollen. For being as skinny as I am, I look like I have two sticks for legs, and then a 6 month pregnant-looking belly. This could be from my Crohn's, I have some of these symptoms when it flare's up...but because of my STUPID behavior, it could very well be my liver, too. I'm going to call my doctor first thing in the morning and get in for some tests. Then, I'm going to do whatever it takes to never take another pain pill and/or drink another beer again (I hate alcohol anyway, and beer is the only thing I can even attempt to drink). I swear, I've never prayed so hard in my life like I did last night. I was begging and pleading for another chance to get my life straightened out. I have EVERYTHING in the world to live for (don't we all???), but for some reason I continue to abuse my body as if nothing will ever happen to me. It's ironic that I work out at the gym, eat healthy, take vitamins, etc...but yet I still ingest "poisons" like it's no big deal. Why do I do this to myself? I'm trying not to be so hard on myself today...just to move forward from here on out, and make some MAJOR changes. I will write more this is "family" day and the kids are yelling at me to get off the computer! lol! I want to thank each and everyone of you that responded to me...I will write to each one of you individually this evening when I can jump on here for a longer amount of time. Thank you again for all of the kind words~ I really missed you all (I didn't have computer access for nearly a month, and then there were other "issues" after that...more later!).

Have a great Sunday to all!

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