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A new dilemma
Apr 1, 2005
O.k....well here it goes....i have been diagnosed with cancer...and am waiting to have an hysterectomy in may....
Well of course as soon as the word "cancer" comes up, you can get any dam pain killer you want. I did the vicodin things for a few weeks and realized i hated myself on them and like the "real" Lisa w/out drugs. The problem then was getting back off of them and facing real pain issues. I decided the week before last to quit narcotics and researched ultram. I ordered it online for the first time ever, and it got me thru the first week (last week) w/ minimal w/d, just the first 5 days some of the runs and anxiety....
Well i still found that they helped alot more than advil with the pain. I take about 4 50mg. pills a day, sometimes only 3 if i am not having too much pain. Those ultram stopped the pain, dead in its tracks. I have been 100% functioning. I am not dibilatated by pain with ultram.
Well last night, my hubby looked at HIS bank accound online and found that i had ordered something online. He freaked out, said he never wanted to see that again in his bank account, then sat down, then got back up and said he is NOT taking me away this weekend to Salem, like we planned, today is our 5th wedding anniversary, and he is yet, once again, moving out. He left w/out me even getting to explain. All night he wouldn't answer his phone, and now this morning either. I just want to explain, that i am trying to avoid narcotics until after surgery, then i still am going to try to avoid any take-home prescriptions. I am trying so dam hard to win this battle, and i felt so good about myself taking the ultram instead of a heavy narcotic. What should i do or say to my husband IF he does contact me today. He is really giving me the cold shoulder this time, and i have never done this before, even at my height of addiction. He doesn't even go to the doctors with me, so he is oblivious to my situation. He never knows when i use and when i don't because he is never here, and if he is here, it is only physically here, not mentally. Sorry to ramble on, i am just so dam disappointed that he has to run away every time there is a little issue. Especially when tomorrow we are supposed to be going to Salem, staying in a honeymoon suite this weekend. I guess not, guess i am not worthy. Why won't he let me explain? What does he think i ordered? He mentioned viagra for my "boyfriend", which makes no sense to me. Shouldn't his first thought be pain killers? Not viagra? And when the hell would i have the time to have a boyfriend. I have 4 kids, some days i don't even get to shower until 9 at night, a boyfriend is the last thing on my mind. I guess because i used to be an exotic dancer when i was in my early 20's he has never really gotten used to the idea that i have changed.
I am heart broken today, i went tanning all week, got some sexy nighties, everything this week was to prepare for this weekend. We haven't been away alone for years.....i was so looking forward to bonding with him this weekend. Why doesn't he want to talk?
Please i need support and advice today, i really want to use more than ultram, at this point, and it is only 7 a.m........relapsing isn't the answer, i know, and to top it all off, he left me with no money, no gas in my vehicle, so i couldn't get to a meeting if my life depended on it. I also have a sick 3 yr old, with a double ear infection, and strep......
If i am such a junkie, why the hell doesn't he take his kids when he moves out????? Why leave them with a failure of a mother??? If he is so perfect and drug-free, then i am sure he can do a better job at parenting than me. I thought i was doing the right thing, by kicking the narcotics again, and i know all about ultram, i researched it for days and days, but i DO have cancer, and need some type of pain relief.
ADVICE PLEASE ASAP...i am a mess today.
luv,
LISA
Re: A new dilemma
Apr 9, 2005
Oh Lisa, When is your surgery scheduled for? Im sure you are in real pain... rememeber you are a beautiful girl, on the inside especially. Grab your inner strengh and hang on. Remember..... Live in today- what we addicts are so used to is feeling fear about the future.

Sit down and do a written 10th step on ordering the Ultram on the internet. What did it cause? What was your part in it? What could have you done differently?

Then if you need to... make your ammends.

Hon, all you have to do is your part, and if he is still acting like a jerk then you have to take action or not. You are one of the sweetest people I know... and I know about Men who "grab" you by playing on your weakness.... you used to dance... well so did I, and my evil ex husband used to bring that up whenever we would get in a fight... "your nothin but an ex dancer" I let him get to me! And until I met friends who told me that was not acceptable for a man to say that to a woman-I thought I was sopossed to feel like dirt about my past. I felt like you probably do when he gets angry and uses wreckage from your past to hurt you.

Lisa, getting your pain under control is 1st. Ultram cause great distress when you stop using it. Severe anxiety and leg cramps, heart palp, and shakes. But if you need it well then honey the pain has to be minimized. But, you said you were thinking about something "else" The withdrawl from the "else" stinks, but even worse the guilt would be deadly. Stay away from the devil pills! I know God can give you the strengh to not succomb to taking basically taking posion. Thats exactley what it is to people like you and me.

Lastly, Lisa you know I support you in whatever decisions you make with your husband. I know people can change. Look for signs of you compromising your beliefs... if that starts happening- all you have to do is the next right thing and if he follows great, if not thats great too. Love yourself.

Give that sweet little boy a big hug and I hope he is getting better!

Take care of yourself too Mom!

Love always,

Sara





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