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...am just scribbling you a few more thoughts I had......

I think depression motivates so many of us to reach for a pill. My antidepressants were working very well when I started taking all those opiates...but I was having a truly horrific time, caring for my Mom, who developed dementia. For eight years I watched her deteriorate from the intelligent, funny, caring Mom she'd been....to someone so confused, with such undending anxiety and depression. And, for 7 out of those 8 years, she was totally aware that she was literally "losing her mind"--and was was in a chronic state of sadness and despair. Mecications helped a little for the anxiety--but she never recovered frm the depression. It was just the worst time of my life.

So... when I tried my first oxy (my cousin is a genuine chronic pain patient.....and she always had more pills than she needed), I could not believe the relief I got from my own depression. I knew it was false relief---pill induced--but at that time, I just didn't care. Knowing that I could take a couple of these oxys to get me through the day, gave me the mental strength to keep going.

As I said in my other post....what brought me to a complete halt--and made me realize that I just could not do this anymore....was the simple fact that the pills just stopped working. And I felt so low and so ill. And I was faced with the fact that I was only going to get sicker and sicker. I envied every person in the STREET who was not addicted to this stuff--I would just stare at "normal" people from my window, in amazement that they were enjoying a life free of drugs.

I know a lot of people say you have to hit rock bottom before you take action. But, in my case--though my brain and body were suffering--I never got to the point where my outside life had noticeably changed. Of course, I'd become more insular and hid out more from the outer world....but I've always been a bit of a loner. So...that didn't help me recognize the true reality.

I do believe that most of us on these drugs are fighting off some type of mental despair...whether it's clinical depression or a clearly visible problem...or both. We are getting a "break" from our real world. And...we are, for a short period, more filled with creativity, energy, etc. than we've ever experienced. I'm just surprised that MORE people haven't become addicted.

Maybe it's some problems..or some feeelings..that you are not in touch with.....but your desire to see how far you can go is evidence that you are hurting in some way. It's almost like begging (say, your wife) to "look at me...I'm out of control." Just your writing on this board shows you are starting to make moves towards recovering. L-)

We are each affected so differenly by drugs....and our responses to recovery methods varies from person to person. For me, the Sub offered a chance for me to think things through first. For others, the help they got from a supportive detox center made the difference. And, of course, many feel that AA and NA have saved them. It doesn't matter which step you take towards recovery....just that you take that step. I do understand all those thoughts going through your head....looking for reasons why you should have to suffer so much just to step back into what feels like a more limited or painful life. But...if you are asking yourself this question...I think and hope you may be ready for answers.

I wish you the best and hope you keep posting here, so that when you feel you are ready....we can be here to help. And, as you do start to recover, I think that the reasons for being on these pills in the FIRST place may begin to be more apparent. I know that for myself ....I did not have chronic pain.....nor was I totally unware of what might happen if I "tempted the fates" like I did. But it took the shock of these pills suddenly not "working"--to finally be more honest with myself.

best, Lynn :-)





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