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Addiction & Recovery Message Board


Addiction & Recovery Board Index


Hi all, well once again, i have jumped off the opiate train. I am going to make it this time. I have 3 weeks clean today and i'll tell ya, today was so emotionally and physically draining i almost caved. I cry constantly, i still can't eat, and i am so thin to begin with, i am really starting to get concerned. I have these crazed rages i go into where i just freak out and then cry and cry. I have the hardest time even getting out of bed in the morning to face my day. I have to push myself to even shower. Nothing excites me or makes me smile anymore. Is this going to last forever??? I wonder why now at 3 weeks all these feelings are surfacing, it is almost like a second round of w/d, minus the runs cuz i can't eat anyway. I am living on water and Ensure....i wonder how long it is going to be before i just pass out from no food. I yawn and yawn and just can't seem to get more than a few hours of sleep here and there. I can't nap during the day, that is when i am the most tired. Everthing is a chore. To climb the stairs i feel like there is 1000 lb. weights on my arms and legs. I just want to be sober and happy and live a normal life...
I guess the first two weeks i kinda skated thru...i was on a "personal high", just happy not to be a slave to those digusting pills. But the reality of it now is hitting me, what i have done to myself and those around me. I am slowly killing myself.....This has been the worst few days so far...it has been 4 days straight now of me being borderline suicidal....this is not like me to think thoughts like this...WHAT IS GOING ON??? Could it be from not getting enough nutrition and sleep? When is it gonna end...truthfully. Tonight i was crying and crying and plugging my nose so i wouldn't gag while shoving oatmeal in my mouth. It was hard for me to even eat a bowl of it. That is probably the most i have eaten yet. Please guys help me, I am coming off of oxy and percocet again. Oxy 80's this time around.....at least 3 a day. Then percs when i ran out of oxy. I am staying determined. This fight is so hard though, it is mind-boggling to me. Should i take vitamins with the Ensure or is that too much vitamins...is there a such thing??? Water is about the only appealing thing to me at this point. Shouldn't my appetite have returned by now and i be feeling better??? In the past i was bouncing all around by now...not this time. This time is something i am NOT going to forget. The crazed thoughts, obssessing, guilt, shame, what the hell happened to me?????? I will take all the advice i can get, meetings aren't even helping, i walk out of there feeling MORE like i want to use....I can't even see a person in the store with a broken leg without thinking how lucky they are to have a bottle of pills in their possession. I am a sicko i know. Maybe i should try to get out more, but i am not feeling social. I have confided in a few very good friends, but they have lives to life too.
I have a huge party to throw on Saturday, i wonder if the stress of that is causing this second round of wonderful w/d..... what is PAWS....someone mentioned that to me tonight on the phone.....how the hell long does THAT last??? Why the severe depression this time and the suicidal thoughts??? It scares the crap outta me. I am always full of piss and vinegar, now i am a weeping, skinny, crazy lady that can barely get out of bed in the morning. I actually go to bed for the past few nights praying that i just die in my sleep. This is more than i bargained for this time around. But i got myself into this, i will get out of it on my own. Any good vitamins for energy or for the moodiness and crying???? Or herbal rememdiies??? I really am trying to avoid putting any more chemicals in my body for now....but this is getting a little overwhelming. I remember from the past, these cravings or whatever the hell they are can last for a few days, and then BOOM like magic they disappear....then a trigger again, and i am a retard for the next week.
Well i am just hoping i am not the only one this has happened to. I used to be so strong, and now i just want to lie in bed all day and cry. This needs to stop and i DO force myself to do the laundry and mop the floors and do my chores, but i am balling my eyes out while i am doing it....what is up with that????? I can barely crack a smile, nothing enthuses me anymore. WHEN IS THIS CRAP GONNA END, I CAN'T TAKE MANY MORE DAYS OF THIS. How do you stop a craving???? I have always caved by now...I haven't ever had these feelings like i am fighting something within myself, it is like i am fighting something so much stronger than me. Please help, i am desperate for answers. I hope that tomorrow i wake up and feel better....what causes a craving???? I am starving but when i eat, i feel like my stomach is is knots and i just can't swallow it. Food disgusts me. I have no clue how i am going to throw a party in two days........why now???? Well suboxone is starting to look better and better.....would i be a candidate seeing that i am 3 weeks clean???? Probably not...
Oh well, i gotta try to lay down again, and catch a couple of hours of sleep. No sleep is really taking its toll. No food can't be helping either.
I hope everyone is hanging in there. I am still fighting the fight....and i am refusing to give in to a life-less, soul-less pill. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Goddessgrl....thanks for your post to me, it was good to see you around. You keep pressing on too, and i will do the same. I am hoping i will look back on this one day and realize how truly strong i really am....
LISA





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