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My reply is quit long so it is split into two post.

It seems there are a few people that are on suboxone. I started on Sub 6/24/05 after an Impatient Detox of 5 days from Oxycontin about 200 mgs a day but was on Methadone (140mgs/day) for a year and a half up until two weeks prior to my Detox thats when I went to my PCP and told him of the Methadone that another doc started me on for chronic pain, he was very understanding and started me on the oxy 20mg 2 times a day to try and taper outpatient. MY PCP has known me since he delivered me as an infant and is also involved with the health care of my wife and Daughter, sisters, brothers father and looked after my mother during her passing. He is well respected among the family and highly appreciated. When I told him of my abuse he told me that with 100% honesty he would help me stop. I agreed adn he started me on 20mgs oxy twice daily, he told me that this dosage may not make me as comfortable as I am used to but that some discomfort is expected and if it gets unbearable to come see him. I left with a follow up appointment in 4 weeks. By the end of week three I had to go see him he asked if I was out of pills and I was truthfull and told him yes. He was understanding and refilled me @ 20mg. twice daily. He told me that we had to get to a stable dose before we could taper. He also told me that I had to see a Psycologist before our next appointment for him to continue to help. We made a follow up app. for 4 weeks. Before leaving he had told me that I had a beautiful wife, gorgeous daughter and another gift on the way (wife was pregnant) and continuing to use narcotics jeopardises everything I hold dear. He reassured me that he would continue to help and if I worked at it that I could stop. He also reminded me to not take for granted that which other would covet. I went to get my pills filled and felt on top of the world that I was finnally going straight. A week and a half goes by and I was not feeling the greatest. Then it dawned on me that I was due for a refill of Methadone from my pain doc. Appointment made, refill recieved, trip to the Pharmacy= 45 40mg methadone tablets. Now that I have the Methadone i dont have to worry about running out of Oxy. Start taking 8-10 oxys a day until gone. Start the methadone and run out just in time for my oxy refill. Go to my PCP have a chat about how things are going, I was not early so he was happy, I had been to my psycologist and we talked about med. management instead of stopping. PCP asked how the therapy is going, I say great because it going where I lead it. PCP asked if I`m ready to taper to 3 10 mg a day, I told him that things are good right now at 2 20mg a day and will be ready next month. He was happy things are good, reassures me that i`m doing the right thing, another apointment in 4 weeks, refill, pharmacy, full bottle of pills. I feel great that I am getting control of my problem. I have a methadnoe refill in two weeks so the oxy just has to get me to that appointment. Take 8-10 oxy a day until low and starting to worry about running out. Go for my Methadone refill and he is on Vacation. No methadone and only 10 oxy left until refill app. 3 weeks away. Talk to my wife and convince her to come to my PCP (who is trusting me and somewhat proud of my progress, not to mention very highly respected in my Family) with me and tell him she spilt my pills into the sink. With a very uncomfortable silence present I can watch the trust and resect that my PCP had for me almost float away. With a new found level of disgust that I have never seen from my PCP he rights out a perscription for the amount that had spilt, with a small speech on the resposible handling of controlled medication and a good luck we left. Go to the pharmacy (new one because the scrpts being to close) pay cash for perscription (so Insurance company wont find out) around $300.00. Feeling good because I have my pills and the illusion of control we head home for the week end. As the week end sets in I feel bad so take some oxy to feel better, still bad, more oxy. With the weekend over I realize I only have several pills left until next app. in 4 weeks. Something finnaly sets into my mind that the course of events over the last few weeks have no semblance of control much less an apperance of change. I talk to my wife about the past several days events and we both agree that something has to be done. I call my Psycologist and tell him that I need to talk to him about different options such as an outpatient methadone program with monitoring etc. He said to come in at noon and bring my wife and we would see what we could come up with. After telling him of the weeks past events and my wife telling him the truth that she lied to my PCP to get my refill, and me telling him that any perception of control or change on my part was exactly that a perception. And the reallity was I had no control and was powerless to it. He recommended I go to an Inpatient detox program. He referred me to one of the best clinics around us and I was lucky enough to get one of the best doctors around. While in his office that day I can remember thinking that the outpatient program I tried did`nt work and that was with the help of some people who genuinely cared, so another bout with outpatient with different variables was futile at best, and my faith in an inpaitent program was so minute that I would try it only if they had private rooms, we all chuckled at the private room condition but I was Dead serious. Turned out all the rooms were private and I agreed I would go and stick it out thinking why not what is one more failed attempt. The feeling of hopelessness was so consuming I felt empty, literally a chocolate easter Bunny hollow. Even after I agreed to go I was contemplating going home thinking that things would be fine, I would figure it out sooner or later i just had to figure out how I would stop and once I figured it out that I would do just that and stop. Their was enough of me left in myself that day while my Psycologist was on the phone with the rehab facility to tell them I would go. I went from his office to home to get some clothes, toothbrush,pillow, books etc. Took the last oxycontin I had and drove down to the rehab facility. Checked in and got admitted for Chemical dependancy detox. They kept me comfortable with Methadone/clonidine/klonipin/halcion/neurontin/librium/serequel and ambien (i could not believe some of the cocktail i was takeing) but made it through and the Doc started me on Sub. I am currently on 8-12mgs a day and it has helped tremendously. I have been told I will likely be on the Sub for a year or more which is fine but at first I thought because I was on the Sub that I am not "clean" due to the fact that it is an Opiate. After struggeling with that thought I have talked to my Psychologist and have been told to call myself clean as due to the fact that it is part of a sobriety/addiction recovery program. I have been clean now for 30 days and can not believe that I almost did not go to Detox. I was so out of control for so long that the Chaos of living life while actively maintaining an addiction seemed normal. I never bought street drugs, so no shame that associated with it. The original reason I got prescribed opiates was legitamite. I get them from doctors who are way more educated than me and if they didnt see a reason not to perscribe them, they must have seen something that they thought warranted a perscription for a controlled substance. They don`t just give them away thats why they are controlled, there must be a valid reason for the justification of dispensing a narcotic.I would buy them from the Pharmacy, I would pick them up along with my atenolol and I have to take that everyday. I used to BELEIVE that LIFE was so chaotic and beyond my control that the addiction helped me cope and feel in control, after all I would chose to take the pills when I wanted them, I would take them with me where ever I went, and at anytime I could take them. If I was going to a function I would take some pills, getting nervous? take a couple pills, getting emotional? take pills, cant sleep? pills, feel tired? pills. It just seemed obvious that because life was so chaotic and out of control, that when you find a way to control it you do. After a period of time and alot of conditioning it becomes normal, expected, believed.

Continued on next reply

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