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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index

hi susan..
thank you for your kind words..
sorry i didn't check in..but thats my friend.. Lynn..who bumped up..your id see it.. :wave: (miss lynn..xoxox)
She is a wise kind soulful person..w/ much to offer..please jump in Lynn-to tell your story too!
How can i help know i have been thru many years of dealing w/ addiction issues....and i can honestly tell you-that thru this second phase of getting clean from opiates..being maintained on suboxone has really given me new insight to my issues-w/clinical depression/addiction.
Heres the basic rundown..
I started experimenting w/ early 90s-took 3 yrs to get a was occassional..weekends/parties/etc. caught up w/ me..
i spent the next 5 years..addicted.
I went to several differant detoxs-and hospitals-to stop using.
Each attempt ended in relapse..w/ chunks of clean adjunct the time clean-w/ meetings/outpatient services.drug counceling.
Then i had a long run-about a year w/o kicking..
june 2000.
Kicked at home w/ methadone.
Clean till april of 2002..relapsed-
got clean again-till 2003.relapsed about 3/4 months-
started suboxone for detox..relapse..started maitainence..
havent used since nov 2003.
The recovery process was slow..but i never stopped trying.
I seriously kicked H-at least 20 times..going thru a full detox-and getting-a week/month or two..clean-and then picking up.
And ill tell you why..Susan..cos i didn't get away from the circle that enabled my using..i had a good solid grp. of friends that were addicted-mind you-we were all in our regardless of using we maintained jobs/apts/homes-It was all based on supporting each other/and our habits.
If one cleaned up..the others would follow..but slowly-relapse would happen..down the line.
The final break-was i moved-others did the same..some entered the program of AA/NA..we finally broke away from each other..
My husband and i opted for suboxone when it became apparant that we needed further support..this was taking a toll on our life..the party was long over.We were functioning addicts-whose finances/career/and mental health was slipping
To be honest-i felt like i was self-medicating..depression-i felt normal..not high-most of the time..and needed the drugs-to get out of bed..literally.
Not a good way to live-it was artifical energy..but it was also obsessive.
So-its been an ongoing process-these last 2 yrs on maitainence has been a gift.
I am currently on a very low/low dose..tapering down to zero..ive managed this low dose for many months-but i still need to come off.
The suboxone also has antidepressant properties..and ive managed to put my life back to where it makes sense again.
I have also been in treatment during this process-i have a therapist/addictionologist/psychpharm-that i work with-every week.I have been able to work out the issues that led me to using-and kept me relapsing for relief.
I can't picture myself going back to doing hard drugs again-over the last couple years-ive been offered drugs on occassion-but have not used any.
I don't have any using friends around me anymore-changed my phone #-etc.
Those instances where i was offered drugs-were random-and i did not go for it.The medical community speaks of maturing out..of addiction.That many long term addicts-ultimately just stop and never use again.
I have seen this-w/ others i know-now in our 40s some of us-spent close to 20 yrs. using opiates.
Over the yrs i lost several aquiantances-and friends to drug abuse-and all i can say-is-what a waste..of precious life..these amazing young people..gone-
I also feel that professional help-(drs)and therapists-have been the key to getting on my feet again.
When i look back to those years-now-why did i do this?Why did i go there?
What did i learn?
Its kind of blurred-i remember the despair/desperation/feeling lost-
Why?Many issues of my childhood-pushed down-failed marraige/bad choices..
What ive learned tho-has made the differance..
Having a spiritual center..prayer/meditation-coming to terms w/ my past-changing negative behaviors thru therapy..really exploring and learning who i am-accepting/loving myself-
Huge tasks-to someone who experienced trauma/abuse..and lives w/ depression.But its amazing..too-because we have the ability to make our lives the way we want..we CAN let go of our past-and reclaim our life-and future.
This is a process..and its always ongoing. Im the moment..chatting w/ you.. and hopefully passing on-some goodness..some info-some words of hope-to let you know..we can make this life a good life..
I hope this speaks to you in some way-that will offer you not THERE yet..wherever There is..i just know-the longer i stop abuseing myself-the healthier in mind/body/spirit-i will become..
what a long strange trip its been-
Goddess Bless you :angel:

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