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Do i gots a problem
Aug 21, 2005
I'm a 23 year old college student, that alone should tell you I've had too much fun, extremely active and healhty but have been dabbling with coke on a moderate level, i think. I dont really use anything else but coke and budweiser, thats pretty much my favorite cocktail of substances.. Used to be a pothead but quit becasue it made me too paranoid. I just took a real liking to cocaine, no other drug that I've done made me feel so comfortable with myself. I use it fairly heavily, by that I mean more than 5 lines, about three times a week. Wednesdays I'm in a dart league at a local bar, so i'm always drinking which leads to a couple of lines, and usually Fri and Sat, but occassionally I will use more frequently. It started when my boss introduced me to the drug. I'm a chef. Im not sure if your familiar with the restaraunt business but it seems like everyone is a womanizing alcoholic whom uses cocaine and chain smokes. Most of my co-workers are usually hung over, but the job become so easy once you've mastered it there is really no reason to be 100% refreshed. Im under teh impression my boss deals coke because he always has it, and never hesitates to dish out free stuff. Started hangin out with him when I was about 18 but we just used to smoke a little pot. I thought he was a jolly portly hippie. I didnt realize he was a full blown addict and dealer and since then has wiltered down to half his former weight, which he attributes to not eating ice cream before bed. Its amazing how a user can hide thier drug use. Every time I'm around him he is asking me if I want a "bump". Hard to say no lately, if Im in a bad mood or feeling a little frustrated it brightens me right up to someone I think everybody else may prefer to be around, so im thinking maybe some things need to change. I know its easy to say I should eliminate him from my life, but hes my boss and I see him everyday and I depend on my job to make ends meet at least until i graduate which should be in the spring. I live with my girlfriend of six years, she has a great job and is in dental school, and she despises the drug. She is a heavy marijuana smoker, which I turned her onto, but she is the most responsible, smart, unbelievable person I know. We just bought a house and marriage is in the very near future. Can't mess things up. She doesnt really know how much I use, and it kills me to think that i am not being competely honest with her, however whenver she asks me if I have done it, I always tell her the truth. But being teh kind person she is she doesnt pry and doesnt always suspect, and I think she thinks I can make strong correct decisions and the fact that I dont want her to know means something is wrong. I mean what other conclusion can I come to when Im not being honest with the person that means the most to me. All my closest friends never used coke until I intoduced it, and know they enjoy it also. Makes it even harder. I just feel like something that I would never let happen to me might actually be happening. In retrospect I really get down on myelf for staying out all night and making my girlfriend upset, but the fact that the feeling of regret usually only lasts a day or two makes me worried. Dont know if I am too paranoid about getting addicted and I should relax, and live up my life while I'm still young, or if the responses to this post, if there are any, are gonna help me avoid a potentially devastating turn of events. Dont know if I have the most generous friends on Earth, or misery loves company because I never buy the stuff so I tell myself that I dont have a problem because of that fact, however I find myself wanting to incorporate friends who I know have it into my social events. Thats not good. Its not that I rely on the drug to have a good time I just always feel I could be having a better time if I was using it. It loosens everbody up, and gets everyone talking, and really creates a bonding situation. I never really crave it unless I've already done some that evening, then as soon as I come down I want more. Thats the feeling that scares me teh most and I hate. I get a knot in my stomach and I start to think Im not having as good of a time and regardless of what time in the a.m. it is I wanna keep partying. I want to keep that happy feeling where I dont have a care in the world and conversation is flowing with ease and laughter and well just fun for just a little bit longer. When I use alot of cocaine I drink heavily, then I feel like **** all the next day. Im starting to think the reason I dont use it more is because I need a day or two to get the hangover to subside. Now that I'm examining my situation I feel like everyone whom I choose surround myself with loves to party. s Im still in college, got a lot of life to live, lot of oppurtunities to seize and I just dont want to get in over my head. Dont know why i turned to this forum, guess I was feeling a little displeased with myself and I dont have anyone I feel comfortable talking about this to, the inetrnet by the way is quite a reamarkable tool. Liek I said before, my girlfriend enjoys to party as well, but by that I mean drinking lightly and the occasional pill or psychadelic, but she just has this uncanny ability to know when its time to go home or not a good time to get hammered, something I dont posess. I just love to have fun, sounds stupid, who doesnt, but just trying to figure out if I'm in danger of my fun becomming detremental to where I'm trying to direct my life. I havn't expressed these feelings I just wrote to anyone verbally, and no one has yet to tell me they think I have a problem, so I guess I'm hoping for suggestions on how to not use drugs and alcohol and still maintain my close group of friends who still use, but I dont think as frequently as me. It seems like all we do in our free time is get drunk and use drugs, whichever one falls in our lap. Dont know if I am prepared to give my friends up, dont wanna miss out on good times, but I definetly dont want to have to depend on a substance to allow me to relax and have fun. You think I should show this jumbled mess of thoughts that I just started emptying onto site to my girlfriend? Is she better off believing that everything is cope****c? Worried she will leave me if she finds out I was not completely truthful and more importantly using drugs. Dont know what to do? I'm very confused and frightend about this. Dont wanna say something I regret or confide in the wrong person and have it blowup in my face. Dont want to offend my friends by suggesting that they also have problems. Wow, I just realized how much I wrote and I hope I havnt rambled on too far, just lookin for advice, didnt know where else to turn. Well if I get nothing else from this at least I feel little better for the time being.
Thanks for listenin,
PJ





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