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I need help!!
Aug 27, 2005
Hello. I am so glad I found this board. It seems there are lots of people out there with the experience and stregnth to lend support so someone like me. I desperately need help. I am addicted to Hydrocodone and I am taking about 10 - 12 pills per day. I started taking them legitimately over a year ago for TMJ pain and it has escalated from there. The kicker is I was in recovery for 11 years before allowing myself to get into this mess again. I had taken narcotics before while in recovery after surgery and stopped with no problem.

In my twenties was in the medical field and over 11 years ago I had very easy access to narcotics. After shooting Demerol for a few years I was finally forced into treatment by one of my parents. I stayed clean a year and relapsed for a few weeks. Afterwards I got clean and stayed that way. I was very active in 12 step groups with a large circle of friends. I made the decision to get out of the "direct patient care" medical field where access was so easy and worked my way into management. Oddly enough I now work in upper level management of a large Mental Health & Substance Abuse treatment organization where I've been employed for over 7 years. However I know from witnessing the path of others my employer would not be so forgiving if I came forward and asked for help - I cannot afford to loose my job.

Enough background, it's the here and now that is the problem. I am disgusted by what I have become. I find myself doing things I am not a bit prod of to get the drugs. My habit has become harder and harder to feed. It isn't easy getting your hands on 60 or more Hydro's every few days. I am not active in 12 step groups any longer though many of the friends remain a part of my life. None of them have a clue what is going on with me. I've managed to save face so far, which I logically realize is part of the problem, but I haven't been brave enough yet to humble myself enough and come out with the complete truth.

I've tried to stop so many times I can't keep track. I told my husband who is in recovery and he has been supportive, but after I told him I didn't actually stop for more than a day or two. He thinks I am off them now and I am terrified to tell him I'm not really clean. I'm good at hiding this mess but I know it is bound to catch up with me sooner or later.

I want to stop. I have said a million prayers asking for the stregnth to stop and get through the withdrawls so I can get my life back. I am SICK of depending on a pill to function. I've tried to taper but I end up going full speed ahead instead. I am terrified of the physical withdrawl. I don't remember how bad they were when I went through detox 12 years ago because they medicated me for a week and when it was over - it was over. I don't have the luxury to take a week to check in to a rehab facility this time. I have two kids, a full time job and do not have the money to pay for treatment. I know there MUST be a way to do this, I just have to find the courage. I want it really bad but I am so very weak that I give in and take the full dose every time I commit myself to a taper schedule. How many times have I promised God that this was it?

Just knowing there are others out there that are willing to share their experience and having a place to share my pain is a great help already. I am trying to get the courage up to go back to NA...I know they will welcome and support me, but honestly I don't feel right about sitting among those wonderful people while I'm still using. I feel horrible, I am disgusted with myself and yet I keep spiraling downward - ever looking for a new scheme to score drugs to get me through a few more days. The pharmacy hopping, the lies, the mask that I wear in front of others it is all getting very old. I'm scared, I'm hurting, I feel alone and I desperately want to stop this.

Please share your experience. How bad are the withdrawls? How long do they last? Can you continue to function and think clearly while getting through the withdrawl? Any suggestions for how to shut of that horrible compulsion that drives you to get more once you have decided to stop? It's like something inside takes over and I cannot seem to shut it off - I go on auto pilot.

I know there is good & honest person still inside somewhere. I was once proud of the recovery I had attained and the person I had become. Every family member on my fathers side is or was an alcoholic or addict...I must break the cycle somehow - if not for me then for my children. I don't want to ever see them suffer this way.

Thank you for any stregnth or hope you are willing to share and for just listening.

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