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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index

In all truth I am not addicted to just one thing. I am a total junkie. I will do anything and everything for a high...

About 5 years ago I started smoking pot and drinking but only on the weekends. Then it turned into a nightly thing. Every single night I would hang out with older friends and drink Vodka and smoke weed. Then when I was 14 I met a guy who had Xanax. I took one but thenthat wasn't enough so I would take two or three and so on and so on until iI couldn't stand to not have them. I finally broke the Xanax habit for the most part. I still take them sometimes and there will be weeks where I go back to being a total Xanax freak and will take 4 or more a day for weeks at a time. Umm... then there's my major weakness... Ultram... I started taking Ultram right before my 15th birthday. taking my first Ultram was like the biggest mistakeof my life. They are the one drug that I would do anything for and that is so sad. I basically let Ultram control my life for the last 3 years. I would buy them at any price or steal them. I felt that I wasn't me unless I was on Ultram. Just hearing the word makes me want them. :( I remember I would snort them off my desk in 1st period just to wake up and then by 4th period my friends would have to wake me up and tell me where my next class was. that was last school year. Not a good year at all for me. That was when I started using Oxy's , Lortabs, Coke, Meth, etc... any thing I could get my hands on whether i knew what it was or not... and that's where i was up until 3 days ago.
Trying to come clean is so hard and it hurts and I am really scared. what if I have permantly damaged myself? What if i can't come clean? I feel very alone in all of this because my family and my friends have no idea what's going on. i feel bad to have been lying to them for so long and I don't know how to tell them. And part of me wants to not tell anyone and deal with it by myself. But then there's the part of me that wants my Mommy. I am scared.
Sorry that I went on and on but I had to get it out of me. Well at least some of it... I didn't even mention the alcohol... which I am also trying to stop completely and is so hard. But i am doing good on that one. Thanks for the support. I am almost through day 3!!!
Love, SpasMonkey
YAY!!! I am on day 10 and doing great! Last night I went to homecoming and it was kinda boring I ended up leaving after an hour to go to a party. I was at the party for a while then some people left and came back with a ton of alcohol( Jager, Captain Morgan, GoldSchlager, Vodka, Gin, Jack Daniels, beer...etc.) I was very tempted to drink but ended up leaving instead. I was very happy with my decision. I am very tired today though. LOL long night...
I am going to NA on tuesday!!!

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