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Hi all,

Over the past few days I've been reading everyone's stories here and man, I could just weep for us all, and laugh, too. What a wonderful group of people you have here. You have all been such an inspiration to me.

I've been taking painkillers for about 9 months now. I started last Christmas when my 5 year old daughter jumped off our coffee table onto my stomach(I was lying on my back on the floor reading), causing my 1 inch hernia to tear to a 6 inch hernia. I was taken to the hospital by ambulance because I could not get up off the floor, I was in so much pain. I'd been on painkillers before, vicodin after a really bad horseback riding incident not too long before that. I dislocated my hip and was taking them for about a month. Anyhow, after the whole hernia incident, I jusst continued taking the painkillers- mostly at night because I have chronic hip pain and pain from the hernia which made sleeping tough. Finally, in the spring, I had surgery to fix the hernia and then I got even more painkillers. I was in the hospital for five days- the surgery was six hours long. I had some other abdominal issues they 'fixed' as well. I was sent home with percoset. I had an incision from hip to hip and pubis to sternum. I ended up taking vicodin for the long haul. My dr had no reservations about prescribing them for me. But eventually, the pain has mostly subsided except the hip thing at night and occasional flare ups... but I continue to take the hydro. And in fact, for a while I started taking it when I really didn't need it at all. It was like a wonder drug. I could get the house cleaned and enjoy it! I could be with my little girls for hours on end and walk them to the park and never get impatient or lose my temper.

I started kind of scaring myself, realizing how easy this little monkey could turn into a gorilla. The most I ever took in one day was 80mg and I was sick, nauseated the whole time... but still... I was regularly taking 2-3 over the course of the day. In the past few weeks I'd gotten myself back to where I was just taking 5mg early in the evening and then 5-10mg before bed. I also came to realize I was feeling wds when I went for too long without it. I, in fact, took a business trip and my flight home wasn't until 11pm and then my plane got delayed and I was dying on that tiny commuter plane with my legs jerking and my skin crawling. I became terrified at that point of the wds and then I felt like I would really never quit.

But here I am, I'm not good with having something else be in control of me. I stopped CT about 10 days ago and started taking ****** to cover the withdrawals. It seemed like a wonder 'herb'. But, then I started thinking, if it was making the withdrawals go away so completely, maybe it is just an opiate in it's own right and I'm just trading one addiction for another. I've met alot of people who swear by getting off the hydro with ******... but haven't met too many people who then actually stop the ****** after...

So this wednesday, I stopped taking ****** and sure enough I was having wds that evening. I had to be in class, so I took 5mg of hydro and then another 5mg before bed. It was so nice to sleep again for real. I did it again the next day. So yesterday I went without. I took some l-tyrosine a couple times during the day and that seemed to help. I had a very fitful night, woke up at 4am with my legs bothering me. I took a benadryl and was able too sleep until 8am this morning.

I just feel like such an idiot for going down this road in the first place. Thankfully, I have been extremely upfront and honest with my husband, my family and friends the whole time. My husband has been absolutely amazing through all of this and he really wants me to stop. My sister has been an incredible support.

Still, this is tough. I hate the not sleeping part and the crawly skin/jerky legs part. At the same time, I am so grateful that I hadn't gotten to the point of taking so many. I find those people who are getting off habits of 15, 20, 25, 30 a day just absolutely amazing and such an inspiration. If they can do that, surely I can kick this!

I am worried, too, because I know I have more surgery down the road... not sure what will happen then. I will cross that bridge when I come to it, I suppose.

Thanks for listening! :wave: I have a long couple of days ahead of me, I think. Any support will be much appreciated.

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