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Addiction & Recovery Message Board


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Re: Scared
Oct 21, 2005
Buzzkiller
We aren't supposed to share much personal information on here and I'm going to do my best to stay within the guidelines here. I have a high powered management position. I've worked at the same place for over 7 years. I am highly respected, I know alot of people in the community, I have a family. I got clean, I told my husband, even my children know. I go to NA meetings in my community. I've seen people there and watched their jaw drop to the floor..but guess what..they are there for the same reason I am. I quickly got over the shock of seeing and being seen...nothing and nobody surprises me anymore. My doctor is a recovering alcoholic and addict. TCHRIS is right..addiction doesn't care who you are and neither does accidental overdose. It happens somewhere every day.

Addiction strikes people from all walks of life. It doesn't matter where the drugs come from, what matters is the fact that you realize you have a problem and you know you need to do something about it. Again, you have gotten some good advice. You aren't really doing this for your family, or your co-workers, or your students, or your wife...if you get clean for the right reasons you will be doing it for yourself. Without you none of the other stuff exists or matters does it?

I was [B]terrified[/B] to tell my husband. It held me paralyzed for a very long time. I just kept using and telling myself I could quit on my own..I couldn't. I was afraid he would leave me or toss me in the street and take my children, that my employer would find out & I'd loose my job, that I'd loose my friends and my family. It didn't happen. My husband loved me through it and in the end we will be stronger because there are no dirty little secrets. Secrets are like poison..especially to addicts.

Being straight is like taking the blinders off and seeing the world like it really is for the first time in a very long time. The good and the bad. The grass is greener than it seems when you are loaded all the time, the sun is brighter, the laughter is sweeter, the tears are hearfelt...you are no longer numb. With that burst of feeling comes good and bad..but it's life plain and simple.
I won't kid you. It's the hardest thing you'll probably ever do, but it's also the best thing you'll ever do for yourself and your family. It's called living life on lifes terms. Oh yes there will be hard times. The physical withdrawls are just the beginning and in my opinion they are the easiest to deal with. Later comes the true test..the cravings, the depression, the blahs, the fatigue, the true insanity of addiction. It's not easy, but anything worth having is worth working for isn't it?

Just a couple of days ago I was barely getting out of bed & dragging myself to work, barely getting through the day. I couldn't sleep, I had no appetite, my anxiety was off the chart, I felt completely blah. No motivation - zero. I'm a little over 30 days clean. I relapsed after 11 years in recovery. It was hard to admit I had a problem, it was hard to face my friends and family, it was hard to ask for help, it was hard to face people in NA and start over. But I feel my life coming back. I may yet have some very bad days. I'm sure I'll have more cravings, more depression...but every day clean is a victory. There are no failures unless you die loaded...that's my opinion. If you fall off the horse you keep getting back on. You try and try until you figure out what works.

Nobody can do this for you. I really do understand the fear and shame and guilt and all the mixed up emotions you are feelling. The how could I let this happen? How did I get here? How did I screw up so badly?

Ask you doctor for help, take family leave and go to rehab, go cold turkey and sweat it out, get on Suboxone, go to NA meetings...do whatever works for you. But remember..this will not go away on it's own. The use will only continue to escalate..it ALWAYS does. You have already taken the first baby step by coming here and reaching out..keep moving ahead and don't look back. We will be right here!! :wave:





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