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[QUOTE=shameandpain]Well, I just placed an online order for tramadol. One
of many I have placed over the years. I hate myself,
yet I can't stop. So many times I have said I will
stop - and I have not.

One time 2 years ago I did manage to stop for 6
months. But, I got some medicene for back pain
(how this whole thing started), and it was off to
the races again.

What does it take? I know folks have said that you
have to hit bottom. I've certainly had a few bottom
type moments. The first was 5 years ago when I
got a citation for doctor shopping. I was not
arrested, but I did have to do community service.
It is all expunged now.

At that time I switched from vicodin to tramadol -
because tramadol is not a narcotic. Now I am
addicted to that.

My next bottom moment was several months ago.
My husband called my parents, and the whole
family, and told them I was using drugs and
spending money.

This ended up just making me really mad - my
husband has his own issues - for example, had
just blown 5,000.00 on gambling. It made me
mad that he "told" on me - but he was in
the clear.He has also spent about 40,000.00
over the years of our marriage for his pot habit.
He is now clean, because we moved, and he
had no more supply.

I went to a psychologist at that time, and found out
that a lot of this may be related to marriage issues.
My husband set up the appointments, then told me
we couldn't afford them anymore. Basically, he was
mad the the pysch did not yell at me, and tell me
what a "bad girl" I was.

I then set aside some money of my own, and told
my husband I would leave if things did not change.
He has been my "soul crusher" for years. He promised
to change, and has been better.

Now, I just want to quit for myself. As long as I
am using, he has power over me. He does not know
at this point - but I am sure no good will come of

Honestly, we sound like a bunch of low lifes. We
have raised a family, have a nice home, have both
held jobs for over 20 years , and probably appear
fairly normal to the outside world...

I HAVE to do this. Since I have legitimate pain
issues, I need to figure out how to deal with that
as well. This merry go round has got to stop,
yet I find myself feeling powerless to stop it.
Any advice, past experiences, help, would be
much appreciated. Lizzie[/QUOTE]

Hi Lizzie,

Please keep in mind that everything we say here is the opinion and advice of the person posting - take what you can use and leave the rest. Nothing is meant to offend or hurt - we call it as we see it.

First - I'd like for you to go to the post I did today in the "buzz - checking in" thread on this board. It will be toward the last page & will be long ( go to the last page and back up until you find it). I was talking about powerlessness, turning over control & taking the advice of others.

Second - a bottom is not the same for everyone. There is no steadfast definition of what equals a bottom. Yours will be different & unique in it's circumstance than mine. However - one thing we all have in common as addicts - the end of the road always means jail, institutions or death. For some this is the bottom. That is not intended to scare you, but it's the reality of what I've seen in many years of interaction with other addicts - recovering and not recovering.

This is no easy thing. Even when we think we have reached the bottom and found the end of the path of destruction, we are later surpised to find that we go back down the same road once again. One of my favorite sayings is the definition of insanity - Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. For me the only way to break this cycle was to get completely out of the way, surrender my will, give up control and allow someone else to lead and guide me. Whatever they tell me to do - I do it without question. My way wasn't working. Additionally, for me the support of this board and a local 12 step program is vital. Some of the best friends I've ever had in my life are recovering addicts and alcoholics. Why? Because the understand me - they can see my soul. They have been where I am and have survived. They are even "HAPPY"...I want that. I learn from them every day. The tell me - call before you use and they mean it. If I call before I use they can help me, guide me, hold my hand if needed...if I call after it's too late for them to intervene. But they are there - they said they would be and they are. No disappointments.

There are people who say the twelve steps aren't for me, or I don't belong in a 12 step program. That's fine..if something else works..great. Nothing else worked for me. I did try everything else. It may take some time to find a group you are comfortable with and it certaily takes more than one meeting to begin feeling like you can sit in that room for an hour and not run for the door. I used to sit right next to the door so I could make a fast break if needed. I now immerse myself in the meeting, sit right up front or right in the middle of the circle, I get there early and I stay late. If you try it..keep going back...don't get discouraged the first time because you were uncomfortable. Change isn't easy.

Your husbands issues are your husband issues. You can't do this for anyone but you and you can't fix anyone but you. Recovery is a selfish thing in the beginning. It should be..we've sent a lifetime abusing our bodies, minds and's time to learn how to love and respect ourselves a little. One of the things I strated with at the advice of my sponsor little things for yourself & tell yourself you deserve them. Don't let anyone interfere with the time, project, treat or special activity you have set aside for yourself. Get a manicure, buy yourself some flowers, take a long candle lit bath, take a walk, read a good book, get a something for you every single day. Part of getting better is learning to love yourself.

I urge you to flush the pills you bought when they arrive - forget about the money for now - get rid of the temptation. If you can bring yourself to do that & admit that you are powerless over the can be a new beginning. It takes alot of stregnth..but the feeling you get on the other side is powerful and can tip the scales. Remember - the drug controls you right now. This is a tiny step in taking back your life.

Consider a 12 step meeting so you can get some face to face support, or if you are uncomfortable with that maybe try some online NA meetings first, do a search on sober recovery through the internet, get some 12 step literature and books and read, maybe find a therapist YOU can go to...just for you, start a journal and write down your feelings, fears and don't forget the successes too.

While the marriage issues don't cause addiction - they can certainly keep it alive and well. That is not to say we can use it as an excuse - we still make a choice where the drug use is concerned. I am in therapy now and I have learned that so much of my interactions, marital problems, relationship issues, responses to life, etc... are tied to what was ingrained in me as a child. I am working on changing alot of things in my life...I'm doing it for me. It's painful...but if I don't make these changes it can lead me back down a road I don't want to visit anymore. But today I have a choice and I choose NOT TO USE. You have a choice too.

Consider what I said..consider disposing of those pills when they get there, don't let the addict in you convince you that it's "one last time", this can be a new beginning. It's your choice. One thing is for sure..we will be here for you no matter what and will try to help any way we can. I keep what I have by sharing it with others and I'm always willing to help anyone who really wants it. I make mistakes and I'm not always right in my assessments - what works for me might not for someone else - but it's a different viewpoint - use what you can and leave the rest.

Best of luck. You'll be in my prayers.

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