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Hi Everyone;

I haven't been on the board for quite some time. I used to read this board everyday. I only posted a couple of times though, but I felt as if I knew everyone here. Most of the people that were here when I used to come are gone and new ones replaced. It really doesn't matter, screen names, we are all people with the same problem...we are all addicts, right? We wouldn't be here if we weren't. So, I wanted to share my bottom.

I have been abusing drugs since I could remember, in one shape or form. But, the last couple of years, it became very, very bad. I was addicted to oxycontin. And in big ways. I have a neck problem...herniated disks, nerve damage, etc. and all that good stuff that goes along with it.

My boyfriend was a doctor, so i was getting vicodin, xanax, valium, diet pills, and pretty much anything I wanted. It would take a fight to get the pills, but I always won...he would give in. He new my neck was very bad..he was the Dr. that diagnosed me.

Along with getting the pills from my boyfriend, I was also seeing a pain management Dr. that was prescribing oxycontin 40mg. every 12hrs with percocet 10mg every 8 hrs for breakthrough pain and xanax for anxiety.

So, you could say, without doubt, I was pretty messed up. I went on this way for 2yrs. Lets recap...my boyfriend was a Dr. that prescribed vicodin es, xanax, and diet pills, then I was seeing a pain management Dr. that was prescribing oxycontin 40mg every 12 hrs with percocet for breakthrough and xanax for anxiety. I am a small girl, I am only 5'2" 110-115 lbs. So, it is definately safe to say I was a definate drug addict and in a bad way.

About 1 1/2 months ago, I was very sick. It started out as nasal infection, then went into strep, then to bronchitis, the to pnemonia. My lungs were filling with fluid. My boyfriend told me either he gives me a steriod shot or admits me into the hospital. I am a single mother of twins, worked full time(I have a very good job), my mother is sick and I really have no family, there was no way I was going into the hospital. So there he went with the steriod shot, and a big one at that. At this point in our relationship, we were also hitting rock bottom, fighting constantly, not getting along at all. Everytime we were together we were fighting.

I let him give me a steriod shot knowing I was taking levaquin (a mind altering antibiotic) I never new there were mind altering antibiotics until after. I was on levaquin for at least a month trying to stop the pnemonia. So, now i was on oxycontin, percocet, vicodin es, xanax, valium, and diet pills....just add some steriods into that mix, oh, and I forgot the tramadol and wine and it's beyond deadly. I really dont know how I am here now telling my story. It literally sent me into another universe and I'm not exagerating. I started hallucinating and I didn't stop for 10 days straight. I didn't sleep for 3 straight days, I mean i never pulled my covers down on the bed. I don't remember most of that week and a half, but i do have people around me to tell me what i did. I thought I saw dead people, not only did i see them, but i would talk to them. i thought i was places i wasn't, i would see water alot...ponds with fish in it. i would snap out of it only for seconds, just enough time to think i had really lost my mind and than bang, I was right back into the 10 day halluciantion. (We joke about it now, especially at work, my boss is young, we are pretty good friends, so he definately new something was wrong....when people would ask him what was wrong with me, he told everyone to leave me along...she's just sick right now. It was the scariest feeling knowing you are hallucinating, but not be able to distinguish between reality and fiction. During that time, i had a major blowout with my boyfriend...i suspected him of cheating, and he was. We went out to dinner and i was hallucinating, on all kinds of drugs, uppers, downer, opiates, anphetamines,pot, steriods, liquor and God only knows what else. I don't remember much of that night, except at the end of it i was lying in my drive way, the firetrucks, ambulances etc were there. Sometime during this fight in my driveway, my boyfriend must have got into his truck and hit me with it. I passed out. He left me there. This is a man that bought me a house, a new truck, loved my children as if they were his. ( He has been with them since they were one) He was my everything....and my everything was cheating on me. So, he hit me with his truck and left me there unconscious. How confused was I...Did he just stop loving me??? I guess so, who could love someone for 4 yrs, then hit them with a truck and never stop to see if they are even still breathing. I'll never understand. Sometimes, I think he was trying to kill me....Everyone wanted to kill me...i mean we all know us addicts are the hardest people to be around. we are misreable and we want everyone else to be too So back to my lifetime movie; to make a long story short, i was taken to the hospital (myneighbor saw the whole thing, she called 911 and gave a written statement. I was so out of it when i got to the hospital, I was hallucinating, I got in a big fight with the nurse and was eventually kick out of the hospital. That was after about 6 hrs later. They had already done a cat scan nothing was broke..just my finger. Which is my ring finger, that I have a big fat diamond on that he gave me that I can't get off because my finger is permanently swollen. Just my luck..a constant reminder of him. ( I am so unlucky..if i don't have bad luck, i have no luck at all.) While I was in the hospital, they drug tested me...i guess because i was so pleasant. I tested positive for 5 out of 7 things not including alcohol which when they did test me, I was drunk too. The only thing i didn't test positive for was cocaine ( and thats just because I couldn't get any, i am sure if i had it that would have tested positive too. the other thing i did not test positive for was PCP which i was almost sure i would the way i was hallucinating. I never hallucinated before, never wanted to, i actually thought my boyfriend drugged me and i'm still not so sure he didn't. I don't know how i didn't kill myself, my children, someone else or someone elses' child. thats a very scary thought. i almost lost my best friends son..i was supposed to take him to school and instead i took him to the pet store that was closed. The scariest part of that is that i don't remember. my daughter asked me 2 weeks ago.."Mommy, remember when you thought Grandma was here, but she really wasn't and you thought you were at aunt lisa's but you were really here, because you can't be in 2 places at once, right Mommy?" Well, what do you say to your 5 yr old when she asks you a question like that, especially when you don't even remember. I do remember one thing, I woke up my 5 yr old twins at 4am made them get out of bed, get dressed and eat breakfast....i thought it was time for school, thank God, i didn't take them there. The only reason was because they kept telling me, "Mommy, it's the middle of the night"...i guess someting hit my brain, because i let them go back to sleep.

Since the night i was taken to the hospital, i have not taken anything. 10 days of my life are gone and the worst part of it all is ....i will never know what i did or didn't do to my poor, innocent children, my friends and my family.

It's hard, I struggle each and everyday.. some days worst than others. but i do now know..i am afraid of drugs. If drugs could take 10 days away from me without any memory of them, Ithan I guess that was enough for me. I thank God every day that he watched over me or sent a guardian angel to protect me, my children and everyone around me.

I still have extremely bad pain, but the pain is definately better than the withdrawls, the constant running out of med's before the next prescription and most of all I never have to worry about losing days off my life. I never thought i could or would stop taking the oxycontin. it's just ashame i had to figure it out this way. I lost alot because of drugs..i lost friends, i lost time and most of all i lost a great guy. At least i still have my children. I never want to let them down like that again. As young as there are, they knew something was wrong with "Mommy"

Well, I tried to make this as short as possible, i left alot out, but i am sure you all can fill in the blanks.

I hope my story at least makes some of you think....i was very fortunate, next time i may not be......

Good luck in your battles...i will hanging around for a while. i'd like to know what the rest of you think of my "bottom"





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