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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

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As a hard working executive and a devoted family man, at 47 yrs, I have experienced an accelerating decline in my well being, attitude, and energy over the last decade. I have tried everything to mitigate this. You name it...Adler to Zoloft, legal to illegal, meta-physics to metabolic testing, stem-cell therapy to Gestalt therapy.

The only thing that helped was (hydrocodone) Vicodin, Norco etc, and only that specific molecule. No other opiate molecule helped (and I tried them all). Hydrocodone immediately and fleetingly would give me my life back and I would be in the zone of productivity, focus and well being for a few hours. However, I soon began developing tolerance. Addiction then became my way of life, with hydrocodone procurement as the primacy, it became Hell on earth. As part of the evolution, I of course went to detox and learned the twelve steps which is the most beautiful way of living that I know of in the world. Spiritually full and off hydrocodone for over a year, I was still mentally and physically out of steam. Two months ago I began Subutex 8 mg. (1/2 in AM and 1/2 in PM) and I unbelievably have my life back; way beyond whatever I ever dreamed possible.

My drive, well being, kindness, love, focus, gratitude...everything is here! I am so grateful. I am literally on my knees to my Lord in gratitude. I never dreamed this was possible. I wrote off my well being to a waning life of quiet desperation and psychologically impaired mediocrity. I have always tenaciously refused to bottom out to my view of mediocrity, however I ran out of answers. Thanks to God, the profound mystery of Synchronicity and Subutex, I get the gift of today of living in quiet exhilaration.

Like a diabetic, I must manage my life around daily administration of the drug. It however is much more sane than depression or the madness of daily drug-seeking behavior and simultaneously attempting to conceal the daily obsession to family and society. Hell on earth for me is supporting the American Family Dream here up on the "Hill" and concealing the solitary, empty darkness of addiction concurrently. The psychic energy draw is exhausting, maddening, and so very, very sad and futile. My prayers, Love and compassion go to you or the fellow human being who is in this dark space right now.

I believe just like some people are serotonin, dopamine or NE deficient in either receptor sites or the endogenous neuro-peptide. Ergo, I believe this to be true with endorphins. Metaphorically, I am on a daily administration of an "endorphin re-uptake inhibitor" called Subutex. All I know; it works for me beyond my wildest dreams.

I understand Subutex rarely builds tolerance, therefore if I can maintain this threshold ongoingly, I have nothing else to ask for in this life. I can now focus on giving back God's love and making a contribution to society. Certainly, I have my concerns of living the rest of my life dependent on this medication or any medication. Some may judge me or consider me weak for wanting to. Today I am happier and more content than I ever dreamed possible. Right now, today, this works for me and this seems for now to be the sanest solution. These are my productive years, my family depends on me. If Subutex is a means to that end, so be it. Perhaps when I retire, I will take a stab at drug therapy free life, but not today.

Thank you my dear Lord and my compassionate and wise, cutting edge MD.

Robert B.

I know this now. Every man gives his life for what he believes. Every woman gives her life for what she believes. Sometimes people believe in little or nothing yet they give their lives to that little or nothing. One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. And then it is gone. But to sacrifice what you are and live without belief, that's more terrible than dying.--Joan of Arc

I cannot believe in mediocrity...

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