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Daystocome,

First of all--just so that I can offer some immediate comfort--I am on Subutex (a variant of Suboxon)--and am doing beter than I have in so many years. Like you...but just over a year ago....I felt like I'd wandered onto the wrong set!! How in the word did I get to this "stage"!?! :eek: An old Baby Boomer, in the flull-flush of middle-age and "respectability"--a lifetime on the straight and narrow--knowing right from wrong. And, yet--an addict! A secret addict--but an addict just the same.

Chugging along in a life well-defined--and refined--except for this one teeny, tiny thing--my life had become all about pills! :confused: Finding them, taking them, worrying about them, scheduling my days around them---until all I really wished to do was sit in my room with my "buddies". I got thru my job--my work--without difficulty. But all my outside interests--my hobbies, my special times with friends--diminished to nothing. It was just me and the pills.

Did anyone suspect anything, other than my twin, who shared my addiction? No one. Not even my closest friend. Because I've suffered with clinical depression off and on all my life.....everyone blamed that for my isolation. It seems so unbelievable now--but, even with all the knowledge and the understanding of the psychology of what I was doing to myself..it STILL seemed more important (and increasingly necessary) to stick with my pills.

But then.....like you are discovering now....those pills no longer "worked." No amount was enough to reproduce those old feelings of well-being. All they did, if I took too much, was make me ill. Gave me headaches, nausea. And, worst of all--they intensified my depression. It was at that point that I knew I needed help. I am embarrassed to admit that it was not "moral forces" that brought me to my senses. But as simple a matter as--the pills stopped working for me.

And thank heavens for that! :rolleyes: I was forced to confront the issue. And that is when, with the wonderful help of people on this board, I learned about Suboxone/subutex. And how it could offer me the first step towards coming back to life! A chance to rediscover life before drugs--no highs--or lows--except those produced by REAL life events. I had honestly forgotten how that felt. But I knew by that point how badly I wanted that back.

Through the government listing of doctors who have Sub programs, I selected the name of an addictionolist/psychiatrist near-by my home in NYC. I was lucky to have a huge choice--this is a city that acknowledges it's got a drug problem! :rolleyes:

I have to admit that I cheated on the "no drugs for 24 hours" before the first Sub. It was more like 16 or 17 hours for me. And I was lucky--it all went extremely smoothly. (I'd taken my last pills at 5 pm--then had the night to take an Ambien and sleep--so landed up suffering only about five or six hours of feeling withdrawal, from the time I woke up.)

Both my twin and I were treated together--so we had one another for support. And that was wonderful! :) :) After the appt, we both took the Sub (I believe we started at 16 mg.....and went down immediately to 12, then 10, 8 etc. Down to 4-6 now). It's impossible to explain that miraculous moment--for us within 30 minutes--when the pain of withdrawal symptoms quickly subsided....and then faded to nothingness. I can only describe it as a sudden "silence" in my brain---one moment I had been so uncomfortable mentally and physically in every fibre of my body--and the next, there was this blessed peace. My body became calm....my mind stopped racing. My sister and I could barely believe it.

There was no high at all....just a sense of being "real" again. Normal. And in weeks to come, I discovered that my depression lessened. I was still taking all my usual antidepressants...but there was no doubt the Subutex cut thru the fog that had always lingered. (Scientists and doctors are now studying Sub as a possible antidepressant, pain killer, etc. This drug is really a work-in-progress!)

Anyway, I am still on the Sub (about 4-6 mg a day), because of it's antiderpessant effects, well beyond my antidepressants. I see the doctor next week to discuss where we go from here. But, right now, I am feeling better than I have in so long. The world just seems "brighter"--I guess I just feel "normal" again! And that's a "high" in itsefl!! :D

So, I wanted you to know that you can look forward to starting the Sub. It's a new beginning. And it tackles the physical suffering almost immediately--which allows you the chance to quietly reorganize your life. I hope you will take heart at the many posters (check the Archives here), whose lives have been saved by Suboxone.

Please continue to write. We're with you in spirit. You know, the fact that the hydros no longer work for you, is the best thing that could have happened. Now you KNOW that you are ready to find out who you were, before the pills took over your life. I promise you there is, indeed, hope....in the "daystocome". :-)

Wishing you much, much success in beating this. You've got so much support here! :wave:

Lynn :-)





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