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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

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This is my first post, and while I am now addicted to NORCO, and am hating myself for opening another trap to Hell...I will say that two years a go I kicked Ativan after being on it for four started benignly enough....02mg.s for sleep...the first one was the best sleep i had had in years..soon i was multiplying the dosage and began a downhill agoraphobic cycle of running home after work getting into my jammies popping in a movie and melting up to 7...2.0 mgs of Ativan under my tongue and laying there in lala land for four years....I was getting them online, from a crooked pharmacist who would hand me 100 of them no script no problem for ten bucks insurance prices...I never took them during the day as i like to get a lot done I just became trapped thinking i needed them at night...i could never travel anywhere with out them and once flew from NYC to LA asleep the whole time with my mouth wide open drooling...thinking that as we landed What a great flight! I lost my personality. I lost my sex drive I lost my Hair! my short term memory and as i am told now i looked spaced out most of the time and dreamy...I doctor shopped...had doctors actually deny me the little ativan's and told me how they mimic parkinsons and Multiple sclerosis (One Doctor told me he saw patients screaming and begging in hospitals for those teey weeny ativans...I thought they were being mean to me...
I was cut off cold turkey by my pharmacist and doctors...i had no choice but to kick(in my heart i knew i had to)...In my life and i have taken everydrug...i have never ever ever gone thru what i went thru kicking!
I S*** myself at work, i lost 15 pounds in in 2 weeks i wept uncontrolaby i lost motor skills i hallucinated(kept seeing Dark shadows around me) at work i thought my head would become detached from my neck i could not get comfortable no matter what i did, Hot and Cold I was crazy, I cried so much that I became Hysterical and couldn't breathe.No OTC helped! nada and I tried em all! i should never have kicked on my own! Finally on the 8th day i fell asleep and it was as though i had never slept in my life a true 8 hours of sleep! Just before i fell asleep I remember feeling as though my skin were hanging off my bones, when i woke up inthe morning magically the skin tone had returned and in the mirror i saw a shell of myself! Believe it or not I am so glad i went thru that ! I never touched another Ativan even though weeks later i went back to that pharmacy for my hormones and found another bottle of the stuff ( my heart was pounding when i saw that script of 60 put in there by a well menaing Pharmacy friend...I still have that same bottle in my bedroom drawer, I call it my end of the world drug , meaning if we are In a nuclear attack I will down the Ativan LOLOLOL...It took a month before the restless legs and sudden hand twitching went a way...I just wanted to share my story of Benzo's and while i would never want my worst enemy to go thru what i did in a way i am glad i CT'd that showed me the horror...Every now and then i will take a valium to get a good night sleep but when i wake up i am so scared that I put a lot of time between my next one and will never ever exceed one! Even one can make me guilty for days...In my profession there is a lot of pill passing and's so easy for me to get anything i want...
I have tried every drug...kicked almost all of them and I will say i have never gone thru anthing like Benzo withdrawal...I say to those of you who are trying to get off get some help. don't be afraid, you will get thru this...I say a prayer for all of you....It is The medical professions most insidious and worst invention!! god Bless you all!

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