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I posted earlier introducing myself. I was trying to wean myself with cough syrup and it was going well for me. However when I ran out of the syrup of course the w/d's hit huge. I don't know if I'm just that much of a wimp, but I honestly can't handle them. They scare me to death - I've been through them before but never really for any reason other than I ran out of pills a day or two before my refill was due. Or because Fedex was late with the delivery, etc. It wasn't because I was really trying to stop like I am now. That's not to say that I haven't tried to stop before. Believe me, I have tried many times. Never successfully - and never with the extreme desire to really do it. It's always been half-hearted because I figured it was the right thing to do. This time it is so much more than that. I want to quit because I've got two beautiful babies now - I want to live a long and healthy life for them. I am close to my family now (for the past five years or so we were living out of state due to my husbands job) and want to truly enjoy the time we have with them. I'm so sick of being so tied down to a pill bottle. Counting pills, making sure I've got enough to get me through to the next refill, checking my watch to see if it's time for me to take my next dose. And on and on. It's enough already!

So I talked with my husband, asked him to help me with a taper schedule. I was trying so hard o get him to believe that "this time" was for real that I was overly ambitious on the amount I said I'd taper to. I told him that I'd take only two pills a day. One in the morning, and one at 8pm. Well, we tried it - it was waaaayyy too hard for me. I was so miserable - twitchy, jumpy, exhausted but unable to sleep. I knew that I wanted to do it with as little discomfort as possible so that I could make it work. I know some people say just suck it up and go cold turkey. I honestly don't think I can do it. Maybe I'm a wimp, but I know that my chances of success with this are better if I can taper off.

So yesterday my mom had offered to watch the kids for us for a bit so that we could go out and spend some time together. We dropped them off at noon yesterday and I was feeling horrible. We went to look through some open houses and afterwards I just burst into tears and told my husband that I can't take it anymore. I'm too miserable and I was trying to be so brave by saying that I can do it with two pills a day. We had a long talk, mostly me talking. I begged and begged and he said that I'd told him to stay strong with me and not give in no matter what. So it was hard for me to make him realize that I wanted to work on something that I knew would work for me. He said that I've tried this so many times and he thinks I'm in over my head, etc. We did the whole long discussion. I tried to tell him how alone I feel, how ashamed I am, that I feel like such a loser for being in this position to begin with. Believe me - I NEVER imagined myself to be addicted to any type of drugs. Like I said once before, I've never even done drugs, with the exception of pot a few times. I don't really drink (mostly because it gives me migraines, not because I'm against drinking - migraines are what got me into this mess to begin with) I started taking the pills to help with the headaches. Then I found that I was getting rebound headaches when I stopped the pills. My migraines would last for days at a time. I'll be honest and say that I did like the feeling the pills gave me - that relaxed, mellow feeling. Sure - it was great. Unfortunately it didn't take long for that feeling to go away because I developed a tolerance to them. I eventually was given Norco which is the equivalent of taking two Vicodin. I'd take two of them at a time - never more. I was always scared of overdosing. So although I was taking them every single day, whether I felt pain or not - I wasn't popping them at all hours randomly. It was more to feel normal because if I stopped my body would revolt in the form of withdrawal. Years later, here I sit.

Anyway my husband and I sat down and drew up a taper plan for me. It gives me three weeks to taper down to nothing. I will get one pill in the morning when I get up. One pill 6 hours later, around 2pm, and another at 8pm, before bedtime. This for 4 days. Then 2.5 pills for 4 days. Then 2 pills for 4 days. Then 1.5 pills for 4 days. Then 1 pill for 4 days. Then all finished. This gets me totally off the pills and I have two days on no pills before leaving for a spring break trip with my mom, the kids and my sister and nephew. I know I can do this. It's hard, but I know this will work.

Please keep me in your thoughts as I do this. So far I think it is the hardest thing I've ever done. I really do.

Maybe someone can answer a question for me. Last night before going to bed I got my pill. I wondered if it was better to take half and then half again later in the night when I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. But I feel like my body is in such withdrawal mode when I do get that pill, that taking half is going to put such a tiny amount into my system that I'm not going to get any relief from it. I tried half last night and an hour later I was still feeling so jittery and shaky. So I took the other half. Any thoughts or recommendations on that?

Anyway, here I am on day two of this 20 day ordeal. I think that after another day or two, once my body adjusts to this drastically lower amount of opiates I will be feeling better. Wish me luck and thank you for the support. It means so much to me to know that I'm not alone in this.

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