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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index

I am 29 years old and have a beautiful toddler and a wonderful understanding husband who knows I'm a pill head and loves me so much anyway. I hate what I have done to myself and to him and my daughter. I have written once or twice here before in the last month but I'll go over the stats again. I have been using Hydro/Oxy for about 1 year & 6 months. It began in my last trimester of pregnancy when a condition call deQuere Vanes sysdrome, a swelling of the wrist and thumb area which I have had since 17 years old, became virtually unbareable. With the permission of my 2nd OBGYN (my first dropped me for not being honest about past and current cocaine and pill use, I have been clean of cocaine for 2 years now) my orthopedic put me on vicodin. I have had a love affair with pills since I was about 19. The first time I took a percocet I swore I had found the fountain of eternal energy and giddy-*** happiness. The first time I got addicted I was 25 and had a friend who worked for a MD and she called me in a bottle of 120 vicoprofen with 3 refills (never got caught) and I popped them happily for about 2 1/2 months. when I ran out I thought nothing of it. When I woke up the next morning and had the shakes and the sweats I thought "huh, this sucks but how long can it last?" It lasted 5 days, and It started on Monday and I had just started a new job and didn't feel I could call out, and I actually made it through withdrawal while working and never letting anyone (even my husband, boyfriend at the time) know what was up. But it was horrible and I swore I would never take those things long enough to experience withdrawal again. And I didn't for 3 years. I would use them here and there, I could usually get a bottle of 30 every 2 or 3 months from my md at that time, (he was conservative with them, luckily for me) due to the deQuere Vanes. By the time I was pregnant, I had a new doctor whose matto was "pain is a disease and should be treated like any other disease, with all available meds." Lucky me, I thought. I also managed to convince myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong because he recognized that I needed these meds, so I MUST need them, or else he wouldn't be giving them to me, wright? Well, my daughter was borne with no ill effects, thank God, and I continued to use, all the while knowing I was addicted, and I would always put off the thought of detoxing because I figured "how will I care for a new baby in the throws of withdrawal?" Well, 18 months later, and that is still my major obsticle. I tried to quit back in November. I went ct, told my husband and my parents who all ofcourse agreed to do whatever they could to help, and told my inlaws I had the flu. So the grandparents all took turns taking care of her. I didn't see her for 6 days strait and it was so depressing. The first 3 days weren't as bad as they are for most. But Day 4 was the beginning of my hell. The "stomache problems" were so bad, and I am so skinny to begin with (my Dad's genes) that I lost so much weight I was so damn weak, I could hardly climb stairs. Then the anxiety. I was afraid to hold my daughter because I was always shaking so badly. After missing 2 weeks of work (flu) and having panic attacks that practically made me hyperventalate, I took a pill. Then I kept it at 2 a day for 2 weeks, then of course, back to bad (sorry, I forgot to tell you how much I'm on - about 150 mg of oxy/hydro /day). I want to try again. I used the detox recipe last time and it helped some but obviously not enough. My question is - are there any mothers out there who have detoxed and had to take care of their kids while doing it? Does taking care of your little ones maybe help some - keep you busy, make time pass or is it impossible? Please, any advice is appreciated.

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