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I know how concerned about him you must be, but remember that he is in the throws of addiction and his disease is in total control. Information on the health dangers is important, but his disease will tell him that those things apply to other people, not to him. Why not try telling him you are concerned about him as a person. Tell him the effects his addiction is having on you, and on others close to him. If he will not admit to the cocaine use, he can't deny the alcohol use, right? You've seen him drink heavily, to excess, right? You can approach THAT issue and the other may follow in time. Tell him he's a different person when he drinks and you aren't the only one who notices it. Then explain how that affects you. Be sure to be caring and supportive. Let him know that there are people to help him in AA. If he says he can stop on his own, tell him he doesn't have to. There is no need for him to feel sad, alone and disgusted with himself anymore. Explain you realize this is an illness, and there is help available. He is not a bad person, he is a sick person. Treat him that way. If he's drinking like you say, he'll likely need an alcohol detox program. They try to make him comfortable as his body goes through withdrawl from alcohol. There really is no need to detox from cocaine use, as the addiction for that is primarily psychological, and your body doesn't become addicted to the cocaine like it does the alcohol. Going cold turkey from alcohol if you are consuming a lot can result in seizures and really should be done at a treatment facitlity.

I hope this helps. These are only suggestions, as I think this is what would've helped me most had someone tried to speak to me about my addiction.

Remember what I said in the other post. Do not let your concern for him consume you. I do not know what your relationship is to him, but you will only hurt yourself losing sleep over this. You can only do what you can do. He's not losing sleep over you worrying, so know in your heart you've done everything you can, and the rest is in God's hands.
Hi Guys,

Well, I'm still hanging in there, hanging is literally the right word as well. Since we've talked about all this mess, he is so very distant, unaffectionate - so unlike how he used to be. Probably doesn't help that he's stoned everynight on skunk. I've tried every approach, being distant see if that bothered him, being ultra loving, that doesn't work. I don't even know if he really wants to be with me anymore :(

I read back what I write and I really can't believe how this has happened. We used to be so happy, he always told me he was gonna marry me and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I'm 32 now, way to old to be started over!!! ;) Well.... if you want to read it, this is my whole story.. it's a bit long, but margine8, we are in such similar places. Thankfully, mine doesn't do the disappearing act yet...


I had a lovely night out at the beginning of the month with some guys we met on holiday!! Got in really late, sat for a while in the bedroom, then boyf went to get a beer. I was so tired I just fell asleep straight away! Anyways, I get up the next morning, have a shower, get ready for my dance rehearsals, go in the lounge and find a j0int butt in the ashtray, there's me thinking what the hell did he need that for when he'd already drunk so much. Then I saw it on the floor. White powder and little rocks. How I didn't throw up on the spot I don't know. I didn't wake him straight away, I was in shock. Then he gets up and I'm crying. He asks what's the matter and I march him into the living room and say what the f*&K is that, pointing to the floor. Well, he just didn't know what to say. I lost it. I get ready to go out and just leave him. He wouldn't let me out, starting crying, I hit him alot, I called him every name, saying he was a loser, and I didn't wanna spend the rest of my life with a drug addict, He kept saying he loved me so much, how sorry he was, but it just wasn't cutting it. I asked him where he got it from and he wouldn't say, then he said an old school friend who he didn't really know gave it to him in the toilet in the pub. And he's such a loser, he didn't take it, he took it at home instead, where thank god, he was so careless cos he was drunk, he dropped some on the floor. I stormed out, he begged me not go, I've never see him cry so much. He said it was a one off mistake!!!

I was too hungover to drive anywhere, so I went and sat in my car. He didn't know that. He kept phoning asking me to come home, asking where I was, I just told him he obviously didn't give a ***** and hung up. He called my friends husband in tears asking if he'd seen me, Roy gave him the biggest b0ll**king of his life. I sat in the car for about 20 mins then went back. He was sobbing his heart out. He said he couldn't even talk to his mum cos she'd go ape. I told him he was to tell her or I would. He walked out saying he was going for walk and said he was so, so sorry. I had to put my brain in gear for dance rehearsals.

I didn't see him all day, and I ignored all his calls. I'm glad I had rehearsals, it made me forget it for 3 hours. I wanted him to wallow in his own misery all day and think about what he'd actually done. He called his friend in tears as I had a txt msg from his wife asking if I was OK. She said that my boyf was round his mums. His mum gave him such a talking to, saying he'd cocked his life up and what a pr1ck he was. I eventually went round to get him in the evening. I said if there's a next time I go, for good. I said is it worth losing everything for 20 mins of euphoria?

I hope he'd learnt his lesson.

Things haven't been much better all month, I keep uncovering more lies and deceit.

Done my dance show last weekend. The Fri night was a nightmare, had massive argument with boyf again, basically he decided to be completely honest with me - so found out he was on steroids when I met him, he does c0ke occasionally still and he likes to do it and basically he's gonna do it if he wants to. He's gonna do steroids again, whatever anyone says. He punched a hole in the spareroom door like an idiot. Oh well, least it's all out. So even though the argument last time when I found it on the floor and I told him this was the time to be honest with me, he still wasn't. His argument was that he was completely honest now, I said he should have been a year and a half ago. So sat on my balcony in tears all night Fri night till it got light and was knackered Sat!!!

Got a bunch of flowers off him Sat with a note to say he was so, so, so sorry and that he loved me very much.

The Sat was OK, had a 5 hour rehearsal. Then went pub for a little while cos it was his friends birthday. Then we all went back to their house for drinks. Was OK, found loads of c0ke in the bathroom, but I know boyf didn't cos I kept my beady eye on him, but how sad, to have to do that to have drinks at someone's house.

What a bunch of losers.

As it turns out.... he did do it.... forward on to this weekend... it gets worse...

Sat in Fri night, and one of our mates came over, just sat in chatting and watching a film, no big deal. But can you believe boyf was going to the loo and doing c0ke!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I only knew cos I felt a credit card in his pocket and asked him why his card was in his pocket, then I just said we need to talk. (spoke to the friend that came over yest, he can't believe he was doing it as well). I know exactly when he's doing it now too, which is a good thing, I had my suspisions before I found the card).

He basically said he was addicted to it, and he really doesn' think it's that big a deal. I told him he was destroying himself, destroying me and destroying us. I told him I would support him if he wanted to help himself, but I don't really know if he does. His mum is distraught cos I made him tell her. I told him he was just hurting all the people he loved.

I can't trust him out with his friends, he'll get half baked on c0ke, pi55ed, think he's the dogs bollox and probably go cheat on me. I dunno. I either stay and put up with it, or leave, but being in the flat on my own just makes me feel sick. What a choice to make.

It just hurts so much when he has looked me in the eyes all through our relationship and blatently lied. All those nights we used to sit up and chat till silly o clock in the morning, and I was so happy, when those nights was when he was doing c0ke, and I always used to joke with people that he got verbal diahorrea when he was drunk. How much of a mug am I!

Anything anyone says to him, goes in one ear and out the other. He is such a selfish person. He says there's nothing like going for a beer and doing a line.

If we split, he would probably, say it's his own fault for losing me. He did say he was gonna sort himself out, as he's realising what he's doing. He lost his last serious girlfriend cos of drugs. She begged him not to do a course of steroids. Of course he did em, and wondered why she went off with someone else. He also wants to do more steroids, but I really ain't bothered about that. I said do you want the same thing to happen to us, and he said no. Why the hell did I have to fall bang in love with him. If I didn't really care, I wouldn't give two cr*ps about leaving! He done it Weds sitting in on his own as well while I was out dancing. I only knew that cos I found the wrap when I got in from work and then it was empty on Thurs morn. I hate sneaking through his stuff, but I can't help it!

Thing is, ALL his mates do it, he listens to his friends a lot. And if he's talked to his friends about this, they will think I'm being an idiot and making a big deal out of it! I think most of their gf's know they do it, but they don't seem to mind!!! so he isn't gonna do it by himself. He thinks he is, but I hold out no hope. His mum is in pieces, he sat her down a couple of years ago, him in tears and told her he was doing it every weekend and he wanted to stop. He broke her heart then, now he's just doing it all over again.

He's been doing it on and off for 10 years, plus the weed everyday. God knows what he's doing to his brain, heart, everything. I told him one day, the only person that is gonna want him is his mother or he'll be in a hospital bed.

He needs tough love, he needs me to throw him out and he needs his mum not to let him back home. He may get a wake up call then, but she won't do it, not in a million years. She's too much of a mother hen, and is probably his problem, she has pampered him so much, he has the mental age of about 12!

How did I get in this mess in a matter of a couple of months!

I just can't believe we used to be so happy when I didn't really know. But then, deep down I did wonder if he was doing it, all though our relationship, (always trust ya instincts I know now!) hell, he was probably on it the night we met :(

I have no idea if he would cheat. I don't think he would, but I just can't trust him with anything anymore, and if C0ke makes you feel on top of the world and ultra confident, what's stopping him chat up other women if I'm not there.

You know, I've looked at so many intenet message forums on addiction and recovery and those poor people on there that have hit rock bottom and didn't realise they were heading that way all along. I hope he realises what the hell he's doing before it's too late to really stop it. Apparently he spends 30quid a week on the stuff, that's not 'occasional'.

My brain tells me to get outta there, but my heart says hold in and see what happens. I can't really carry on like this though, I'm so down, I've lost interest in everything, including my horse (Thank god for my sharer at the moment!), I'm hoping he really did mean he's gonna try, cos I dunno what to do anymore.

Sorry for the long one.

:(





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