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Addiction & Recovery Message Board


Addiction & Recovery Board Index


Kewl, thanks alot. I may take you up on that offer. I am on the east coast so its already almost 11 here. Have to see how the night plays out for me. I have visions of becoming like whats his name on fight club. Total insomniac. Next thing I will be signing up for support groups to go to all night long...lol.
I am hoping tonight goes a little better. I got work off again tomorrow so if I dont sleep well it isnt a big deal. I just am trying to get my head screwed back on strait.

I dont know about you but since I've been pretty messed up mentally here for a couple days, the whole 9/11 remembering thing today really got to me. It actually was a good emotional outlet for me. I am a person that has a real hard time getting emotional about anything but reliving all that death and destruction again today had my eyes wellin' a bit I will tell ya. It actually felt kinda good to get some of that out of me. Silly prolly, but it is what it is. I have felt a lot of guilt and shame for letting myself get to this point and rightfully so I suppose. No one ever shoved the stuff down my throat at gunpoint. I made all of these sad decisions for myself and I have to live with them.

I think everyone that uses will hit a bottom sometime. It may take years or decades but when it happens, you will know it. I cant really explain why I feel like now is it. I havent lost my house or all my posessions or money. That is what I always pictured as the person on their bottom would be like. I dont think that is it. I think its the more personal and private things. I can remember just a few days ago watching something on tv, nothing in particular and it had some kids on it just playing around and doing kid stuff, ya know. I found myself sitting there thinking..."Man, what I wouldnt give to be that pure again. That kid has no idea about any of this. " I used to be like that. When I was that age I didnt need pills,a beer a joint or anything else. All I needed was my imagination and I could go any where, be anybody and do anything I wanted to do. At this point in my life I miss that so much. I want to be like that again. Obviously there are the everyday stresses but I want to not have to depend on anything other than the folks I care about and where my imagination can take me. I have spent 20 years trying to run from some childhood problems that were nothing like what I have created for myself in doing all of this. I think I am finally at the realization that I dont need an escape. I need to confront it all head on. That way one day I can be in peace. I could never be in peace doing what I was doing up until now. I have my chance now. I just hope I dont blow it. I am trying this time. I am...

Enough babbling. If I cant sleep I know there are folks here now to listen and that helps alot. Thanks MsMinn. Means alot. B good........l8r





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