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Hi everyone

For two days I was sober. Not a drop. During most of this time the fuzzy, foggy, hazy, dazed feeling in my head lingered until I though I would be driven insane by it. No cravings. No sweats. No trembling. Just walking around in a stupor as if my brain had been injected with a syringe full of Novocaine. Numb and on auto-pilot.

I had experienced this feeling many times before while trying to get sober and I knew that there was only one thing that could make it go away. Booze. Then more booze. I fought back the temptation at first and then, as I had done many times before, I ran to the refrigerator and grabbed myself a cold one. Ahhh...refreshing. Close to the bottom of the first bottle I could feel the dull, anesthetized, zombie-like feeling begin to abate and the feeling of normalacy return. I was once again my old, fun-loving and care-free self.

As I surfed the internet, hammered out emails, watched TV and began to feel like "me" again (after about my fourth beer), I suddenly began wretching and gagging and the next thing I know I find myself stooped over a pot vomiting uncontrollably with my friend standing over me offering to take me to the ER. I'm only 43...I should be able to "handle" a few beers, right?. I guess not. This is the second time in a row now that I have vomited after only a few beers and I used to be able to chug back a 12-pack like I was drinking water.

The ER itself was a nightmare. Take a number, be seated. An hour later your in triage where you have 30 seconds to explain a lifetime of pain and grief and then you are rushed out to the waiting room again where you languish for 6-8 hours. I left and went home. That's my story. Hi, my name is Tim, I'm not new here and I'm not new to alcoholism.

What keeps bringing me back to the bottle is not the cravings, insomnia, night sweats or the shakes (most of which I don't experience anyway) but the fuzzy, foggy, stuporish, dazed, brain-dead, zombie-ish, retarded feeling in my head that simply will NOT go away until I have had a few beers. I feel like crap when I'm sober. I feel like crap when I drink. I feel like crap when I'm hungover. How do I win this game?.

I suffer from social anxiety disorder and a whole bunch of other issues so AA is not for me and Campral/Naltrexone both have some unpleasant side effects. I'm boxed in like a caged animal with no way to escape and noone seems to understand. I recently posted my problems on another forum and I got some guy putting me under the bright lights and telling me that I was just trying to "get attention". Well, YES I AM. I need help. Desperately.

Thank you for allowing me to share.

- LT





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