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I'm hoping for some help, advice, words of wisdom, encouragement, whatever.

I had a close to 30 a day Norco habit for 4 years. Well, of course not 40 a day for the whole 4 years, but you know...started taking them as directed, but loved them immediately. I knew I would. I had major surgery 10 years ago and was prescribed Vic's and they didn't do anything for me then. In fact, I remember just wanting to get rid of all meds. Then, in '99 had wisdom teeth surgery and was prescribed Percs. I loved them, took as directed, had some left over and would take 1 if I needed a lift at night since my oldest child was just a baby then. After a while I didn't want them anymore, gave some to a coworker and tossed the rest. However, my friend and I at work would always take a ton of different cold/flu medicines just to feel a little different. I never once thought about painkillers during that time. I had been on antidepressants since my son was born and needed just to feel different. Both my mother and father have had problems with alcohol, but I noticed my worst vices were spending and eating. I hate alcohol, drinking, it makes me physically sick, so I was always proud of myself for not falling into that trap.

Well, in the Fall of '02, I injured my back. I remember being excited about getting prescribed Hydro. I loved that euphoric, high feeling. I took it off and on until that next Spring when the pain wouldn't go away and i was sent to a PM. He royally screwed me up. He put me on the Duragesic Patch, Methodone, then Oxy (the delayed release kind). All in one week because each wouldn't agree with me. I got severely constipated and had to spend several days in the ER. He put me back on Norco.

Then, I switched to an Ortho Surgeon and he kept me on the Hydro's. 5 a day. By Thanksgiving of '04, I used my first OP to suplement since I was running out early. I knew I was hooked.

I started gaining weight from just sitting there all day taking pills. They were like my best friend. NOTHING got done around the house. I'm a stay at home mom to 2 little ones. I soon added a second OP. I knew better, liver disease runs bad in my family. I was always sweating from the pills, had mood swings... you all know.

Luckily, I had Ultracet as a second prescription to combat the serious withdrawls each week. But I'd still feel like crap, dirreah, feel depressed, no energy. I couldn't do anything for 2 days until my new prescription showed up. Each week.

By these last few months I was up to 4 OP's and my doctor's script. 120ct each. And I'd STILL have several days of w/d's. I was started to have bad health. I couldn't breathe when I'd take them, my chest would be tight. My hair was falling out in clumps. I had a bleeding ulcer. And I still hadn't told anyone-not even my husband. Everytime I'd go through w/d's, I would think this is it. I don't want to do this anymore. But, then it was like Christmas when the FedEx guy would show up and it would all go away. I also hated hiding the credit card bills from my husband. We were getting in debt and he had no idea why.

The last few weeks were the worst. I was feeling just as crappy on them as I was off. My ulcer was acting up bad. I told myself I wanted to see my kids grow up. How could I act so immature at 33?

Monday I ran out and couldn't get any kind of refill until Saturday. It's one of those things that you know you're supposed to give it up. But until you are really ready, you can't. I was like that until Monday. Tuesday was his birthday and I didn't want to tell him I "don't feel good" again for no reason on his birthday. I always thought about the day, but never thought I'd do it. I told him. I cried and cried. He was so good and told me he'd do whatever he could do get me through this.

I knew the w/d wouldn't be rough because I still had Ultracet. Which I know alot of people have Ultracet issues, but I don't. I also have valium to help me sleep, but again, don't abuse that. I've even been on Ritalin and didn't become addicted to that. It's only Hydro. I have Restless Leg anyway without the addiction, so when I'm going through w/d's it is BAD. Tuesday night I had it so bad, I kept taking Ultracet to make it go away. I lost count of how many I took. It finally did. Other than that, I don't crave Ultracet at all. I realized this morning I was out of Ultracet and called to get my refill and it's too early. I remembered I had some Darvocet in my cabinet, and again, have no problem with that. I just want something to keep the w/d's at bay. I have 2 Darvocets left, I don't want them, I just want to keep them in case RLS creeps up again tonight.

The cravings aren't as bad as I was expecting, or have experienced in the past. I know others have tried Suboxone and N/A meetings. I don't know if I'm being stupid, but I don't want to do that. I want to kick this and don't want anything else around to remind me of it. I'm afraid if I go to meetings, I'll constantly be thinking about it. I just want to close this chapter in my life. I even turn my head when driving past CVS or Walgreens. I figured in a way, God was telling me it's over when I barely got my refill from my doctor last time, and 3 out of 4 of my OP's, my refills were up.

Now I'm wondering if I'm going to go into full blown withdrawls without Ultracet? I haven't had any since last night, and only about 4 Darvocets today and actually feel ok. Which I know is ok, because when you're taking 8 Hydro's in one sitting about every hour and start to feel w/d's after about an hour, you know your addicted. If I do go through full blown w/d's, I'm prepared. That way I don't even have to worry about weaning down from the Ultracets later. I'm just trying to do this as easy as possible.

When will this depression lift? I'm so used to sitting around each morning, popping pills, playing around on the computer. Now I feel like I don't want to do anything but just stare out the window in the morning. I still feel a little weak to do much. I want this whole thing to be over with and I curse the day I ever took those pills.

Anybody getting clean this week? Any words of encouragement? I'm looking forward to having people to talk to while going through this.

Thanks for listening.

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