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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

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Hey there. I have posted a few other threads at other times I have been debating quitting or actually going through withdrawals. Once again, I lapsed and am day 3 without anything, and turning the corner. I wanted to take a moment to simply recount the slow process that lead me down this dark road, and maybe sometime can extrapilate something from it that helps them not make the same mistake. There is one thing everyone needs to know about being addicted to painkillers or any other mind-numbing substance, you are not smarter than your addiction. You can not stop anytime you want and if you quit for good you have to want to quit. Pot calling the kettle black? Sure, but after the 6th or 7th TRIP THROUGH HELL that is W/D's, you start to examine the truth behind the addiction. You are trying to numb yourself from something you are feeling, whether it is fear, heartbreak, insecurity, whatever your particular ailment may be, and until you deal with that which is paining you, you will continue to go down that road.

Mine started with a motorcycle accident. I spent the next 4 months in an oxycodone or vicodin stupor, washing down at least 10 pills a day with a pint of rum. Nipped that in the bud at the end of that 4 month program since I had to look to rejoin society at some point, and my parents who were sweet enough to take me in and take care of me .I was 25 years old, I kow it is not that bad, but they were watching em kill myself and it was hurting them. I saw that, so I went back out to California where I stopped after a short 4 month addiction. I went through utter hell. It was awful. So awful that I wouldn't even think about touching it again, and I was happy. I had found love. Six months later, I decided I wanted to marry this woman, and if I were going to provide for her, I was going to have to go to college. So I did. Started at a junior college, but wait, this is different. This is change! I'm scared. "Oh you have a couple vic's, sure I'll take some. A couple won't kill me." It slowed, mind you slowly is from January one year to January the next, went from a couple a day, to rshing to have surgery so I would have an endless supply. And not just one, but two surgeries that easily could have waited another 5-10 years. Since Nov 2004 to today I have been on a pretty steady schedule of 3-4 months on, and then anywhere from 2 weeks to 3-4 months off, but it always came back. It got as high as 20-25 Norco 10's per day for months straight when my girl left me, and I have come to realize tht my addiciton is most likely what drove her away. Although I had kept it well hidden, she could feel my distance. And I am not trying to feel sorry for myself, but it is the truth.

That was December 19, 2005 and I was hooked until Easter. I got off for a couple of weeks, but slowly slipped back down that slippery slope. Two months later, I decided to head on a surfing adventure to Costa Rica for three months. I thought I was done; Funny how when you go somewhere where there is no way to feed you addiction (they dont have anything stronger than codeine - and too much of that will just cause youo to feel dizzy and be backed up). So anytime I go down to my place down there, I get off of them, and this summer I was there for 3 months. Surfing everyday pill free, I was me again. But the night I got back to the real world, the fear and the heartache was still there and coming rushing backt o the surface. I was back August 23 and I took my last dose just over 2 months later last Saturday at 3PM. It is now 5:20PM on Tuesday, so I am almost through day 3. Like I said, I can feel myself roudning that corner, now t is just time to deal with those issues that caused me to want to be numb in the first place.

Thank you to everyone who posts here and I hope that if at the very least, you find some lttle bit of inspiration to quit from my story.

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