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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index

Wow! You are truly strong to quit Vicodin and now stop smoking. I will pray for you. Something that I am terribly afriad of is that everyone around me gets vicodin and my doctor has not cut me off. As a matter of fact I have a scheduled appointment with him again on Feb 1st. I will have another 120- 10 mg between now and then. But, what I think is that once I get through the horrible w/d that should be incentive enough to not go back.
The last time I quit c/t and went thru 4 days w/d, I went back to the vicodin with the understanding that this time, I just wouldnt run out! That would keep the w/d from happening. Then I realized ALL the money and time that went to the pills and how it has ruined the past year or more of my life. My doctor is 80years old. He is in alot of pain himself so he is compassionate to his patients. He won't be around forever and since I dont have anything on my records for "legitimate pain" except for occasional migranes....I know that if I dont stop now when its out of control then I will be forced to stop when he passes and I cannot find another doctor to continue what he & I started. He gave me Chantix also to quit smoking and all I could do was laugh to myself that he is going to help me quit smoking but let me continue to take these hellish pills!
So, everyday I wake up with dread about what I have done to my life. Seems all my life I have been relying on one drug or another. I was addicted to speed from 1996 to 1998. Quit that and in 2001 was taking 100 (5mg) vicodin a month. When that doctor cut me off I started back on speed. Got put on felony probation and was forced to quit both but I didnt. Then in 2004 I was right back where I started on the vicodin. Going to dentists offering free exams, finally had all 4 abcess wisdoms pulled. I found ways to get the vicodin all the way up to April 06 when I started seeing this doctor. So, finally putting a timeline on my life has scared me half to death. My girls are almost 3, 6 and 8.
My father that is coming over to take care of them when I detox is also a recovering meth addict. He never has had a problem with pills. But, he told me last night that he remembers when I was 8. He said from then til now (i am 27) he has been chasing his drug of choice and that is a great source of his depression & guilt. Not being there for me when i was growing up. So, I dont want to be that person for my girls. Especially when they start to develop. I can only imagine what it would be like when the oldest starts her monthly and Mommy cannot get out of bed that day because she doesnt have any vicodin. Or when Prom gets here and I cannot buy her the dress she wants because that takes away from the amount that I could buy at the time. These are the things that trouble my mind. But, while its troubling, I know its not here yet so I can change it! And each day I let my addiction continue is one more day AWAY from my recovery.
I have accepted that this is going to be HARD. That I may not feel like myself for a LONGGGGG time. Because the person I THOUGHT was "myself" has actually been a self medicating bit**. What a thing to face.

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