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Warning: [B]VERY VERY Long[/B], please bear with me, I am pouring me heart out as I have NOWHERE else to turn to.....

Oh Reach and anybody else... I have failed miserably! I am so damn ashamed... I am a total failure, a loser and a drug addict... my dr. that kicked me out was right...[COLOR="Red"][B] I AM AN ADDICT[/B][/COLOR] and I will never make anything of myself other then that. I do not even know how to write about this.... I am so VERY upset with myself and what I have done... I am just bawling here.. I can barely type... TWO MONTHS off of hard narcotics FOR [COLOR="Red"][B]NOTHING!![/B][/COLOR] That whole last two months means absolutely [COLOR="red"][B]NOTHING[/B][/COLOR]... I have proved [COLOR="red"][B]NOTHING[/B][/COLOR]... I have achieved [COLOR="red"][B]NOTHING[/B][/COLOR].

In a nut shell, I had my diverticulitis go completly haywire and I was in SOOO much pain, I tried so darn hard to deal with it here at home but I know that if the pain does not go away in a few hours I could end up in a full blown bowel obstruction and it can become life threatning. I know I HAD to go to the hospital.. I know you will all say that I did the right thing by going... that I could not ignore it etc etc... BUT!!! I allowed them to give me two IV pushes of 5mg each of morphine then another 100mg IV push of fentynal. Yes, I needed the relief.. the problem was that I ENJOYED the feeling it gave me.. DAM*IT! The originally gave me the morphine and 50 of fentynal and then I asked for the other 50 of the fentynal when I didn't need it!!!!!!!! Right back to my old habits. I didn't even ask if they could try non-narcotic drugs first!

THEN to make it worse, I went ahead and filled the rx for 30 percocet's and I have already taken six of them... so here it is 1:42 a.m. (EST) and I am wired and wide awake and higher then a kite... I LOVED it until about 15 minutes ago when I just literally.. honest to goodness brokedown... I was on the floor just heaving in tears and smashing my fist into the floor over and over... (my husband wears ear plugs to bed on the nights he has to get up early for work so he heard nothing) my son came out of his room and asked "what doin momma?" MY SON was crying because I had woke him and scared him... what kind of person am I? I will NEVER be a good mother to him. Oh my God.. I am SO horrible!!!

My husband knows I had the drugs.. I admitted everything to him as soon as I got home. EXCEPT that I have 24 percocets in my purse.... I wanted to tell him, but then he would count them and seen that I downed 6 of them in the time that I got it filled till the 1.5 hours it took me to drive home. He would be so ashamed of me... he told me a long time ago that he truly did not think our marriage could withstand another breakout of this drug problem with me hiding them or taking more then I needed... so I am screwed with this right now! I took too many so he will be mad and hurt... but if I do not tell him I have them, then he will not know I am taking too many but then comes the problem that I am hiding them from him. I am so horrified that I may loose him over this. He has been so supportive and PROUD of me for coming as far as I have or I guess I should now say "did". He would have control of the narcotics in the past and give me what I needed... he would hug me almost daily and tell me how proud he is of me.... but when I told you all about how he never really knew just how deep into the drugs I was until that horrible day in my doctors office... then he tried to help me and I screwed up big time and lied and hid the drugs from him only to have him find them and THEN he seen how bad of a financial mess I had made (I put us into a LOT of debt from it.... that is when he told me about how our marriage would probably not withstand another disaster like this. We have drug insurance now so there is no finiancial problems there (not that there would be as it is the first drugs I have bought in over 2 months). So I cannot win here... I LOOSE.. I will loose everything... there is nothing I can do about this! Like I said, if I tell him I got an rx flled and he sees I took too many, he will be very upset.. but if I hid them so he does not see how much I have taken already, that will also make him very upset. [COLOR="red"][B]I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!![/B][/COLOR] How could I have been so selfish??? This is THE WORSE possible time for this to have happened as well.... My husbands father was killed in a tree cutting accident on January 31st... His father was his mentor and his rock... Ron was truly a second father to me... he was the most amazing grandfather as well.... it was devastating to say the least! My husband is still dealing with the pain of it.. we all are and now I have done this?! This will kill him.

I am in torturous hell right now... I am a mess... I am so doped up right now.. I am afraid of loosing my husband who has done nothing but try to help me and love me. I just can't think clearly.

Yesterday (March 3) was my birthday... he took me to a VERY poshy place for dinner and gave me the ruby/diamond ring that I have wanted so badly for about two years now. You know what he told me???!!! He said that for the last 6 months, after having to cash in an RRSP to pay for the debt I had put us in.. he decided, instead of saving up again for another RRSP he decided the take some money from each of his paychecks that would normally go to repaying the investment but instead set it aside hoping he would have enough to buy me this ring for my birthday... as a birthday gift and a gift for doing so well and working so hard to becoming drug free and then BEING drug free. My heart is just breaking in two right now... totally.. He is so damn proud of me.. he even told me that the drugs the hospital gave me were okay because obviously I legitimatley needed them and he said that I can't ever not accept pain relief when truly needed so he was okay with what they gave me... I even told him about the extra 50mg of fentynal that I really didn't need... he just said that it has been a long time since I had narcotics and that it is only natural that my mind would crave for more and then he said that as long as that is all I got, it was okay... well.. you all know what I did next as I explained above.... My life is over whether I tell him or not about the pills....

I know a lot of you probably think I am being a coward and you are probably right. I just got my son back to sleep by rocking him then I came to the board here.

This is why I have not been on the board the last couple of days... I have been in so much pain and I didn't want to read about others who DO have access to drugs whenever they want it as I knew that would encourage me... I now totally regret avoiding the board as I should have come here for help to avoid failing.. I know you would have been there for me... I am SOOOO sorry.

The ONLY thing I can think of to do is to leave... my husband and son deserve SO much more and better than me... they deserve someone who is stable. I can't fix this anyways as I explained above... I really need to try and figure out how to do this. My husband will leave for work in a few hours (works out of town) and I will send my son to the sitters as I do not want him to see me like this... then I think the best thing to do is write my husband a long letter and then let him go... I do NOT want to desert my son.. but I need to get my life together in order to be a good mother to him. This is all I can think of to do. I have made such a HUGE mess of things.

I am going to post this to the board now... I promise to check in tomorrow (well I guess later today as it is now 2:15 a.m.) and I will see if anyone has any better ideas. At this point telling my husband what I did and trying to work it out is pointless.. I remember so clearly him telling me about our marriage not being able to handle this again....

I am so angry with myself... I am hurting very deeply. I am going to bundle up and go for a walk. I hope all of you here is sleeping peacefully. Till next time, Mary
[QUOTE=hopefulmom5;2836884]Warning: [B]VERY VERY Long[/B], please bear with me, I am pouring me heart out as I have NOWHERE else to turn to.....

Oh Reach and anybody else... I have failed miserably! I am so damn ashamed... I am a total failure, a loser and a drug addict... my dr. that kicked me out was right...[COLOR="Red"][B] I AM AN ADDICT[/B][/COLOR] and I will never make anything of myself other then that. I do not even know how to write about this.... I am so VERY upset with myself and what I have done... I am just bawling here.. I can barely type... TWO MONTHS off of hard narcotics FOR [COLOR="Red"][B]NOTHING!![/B][/COLOR] That whole last two months means absolutely [COLOR="red"][B]NOTHING[/B][/COLOR]... I have proved [COLOR="red"][B]NOTHING[/B][/COLOR]... I have achieved [COLOR="red"][B]NOTHING[/B][/COLOR].

In a nut shell, I had my diverticulitis go completly haywire and I was in SOOO much pain, I tried so darn hard to deal with it here at home but I know that if the pain does not go away in a few hours I could end up in a full blown bowel obstruction and it can become life threatning. I know I HAD to go to the hospital.. I know you will all say that I did the right thing by going... that I could not ignore it etc etc... BUT!!! I allowed them to give me two IV pushes of 5mg each of morphine then another 100mg IV push of fentynal. Yes, I needed the relief.. the problem was that I ENJOYED the feeling it gave me.. DAM*IT! The originally gave me the morphine and 50 of fentynal and then I asked for the other 50 of the fentynal when I didn't need it!!!!!!!! Right back to my old habits. I didn't even ask if they could try non-narcotic drugs first!

THEN to make it worse, I went ahead and filled the rx for 30 percocet's and I have already taken six of them... so here it is 1:42 a.m. (EST) and I am wired and wide awake and higher then a kite... I LOVED it until about 15 minutes ago when I just literally.. honest to goodness brokedown... I was on the floor just heaving in tears and smashing my fist into the floor over and over... (my husband wears ear plugs to bed on the nights he has to get up early for work so he heard nothing) my son came out of his room and asked "what doin momma?" MY SON was crying because I had woke him and scared him... what kind of person am I? I will NEVER be a good mother to him. Oh my God.. I am SO horrible!!!

My husband knows I had the drugs.. I admitted everything to him as soon as I got home. EXCEPT that I have 24 percocets in my purse.... I wanted to tell him, but then he would count them and seen that I downed 6 of them in the time that I got it filled till the 1.5 hours it took me to drive home. He would be so ashamed of me... he told me a long time ago that he truly did not think our marriage could withstand another breakout of this drug problem with me hiding them or taking more then I needed... so I am screwed with this right now! I took too many so he will be mad and hurt... but if I do not tell him I have them, then he will not know I am taking too many but then comes the problem that I am hiding them from him. I am so horrified that I may loose him over this. He has been so supportive and PROUD of me for coming as far as I have or I guess I should now say "did". He would have control of the narcotics in the past and give me what I needed... he would hug me almost daily and tell me how proud he is of me.... but when I told you all about how he never really knew just how deep into the drugs I was until that horrible day in my doctors office... then he tried to help me and I screwed up big time and lied and hid the drugs from him only to have him find them and THEN he seen how bad of a financial mess I had made (I put us into a LOT of debt from it.... that is when he told me about how our marriage would probably not withstand another disaster like this. We have drug insurance now so there is no finiancial problems there (not that there would be as it is the first drugs I have bought in over 2 months). So I cannot win here... I LOOSE.. I will loose everything... there is nothing I can do about this! Like I said, if I tell him I got an rx flled and he sees I took too many, he will be very upset.. but if I hid them so he does not see how much I have taken already, that will also make him very upset. [COLOR="red"][B]I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!![/B][/COLOR] How could I have been so selfish??? This is THE WORSE possible time for this to have happened as well.... My husbands father was killed in a tree cutting accident on January 31st... His father was his mentor and his rock... Ron was truly a second father to me... he was the most amazing grandfather as well.... it was devastating to say the least! My husband is still dealing with the pain of it.. we all are and now I have done this?! This will kill him.

I am in torturous hell right now... I am a mess... I am so doped up right now.. I am afraid of loosing my husband who has done nothing but try to help me and love me. I just can't think clearly.

Yesterday (March 3) was my birthday... he took me to a VERY poshy place for dinner and gave me the ruby/diamond ring that I have wanted so badly for about two years now. You know what he told me???!!! He said that for the last 6 months, after having to cash in an RRSP to pay for the debt I had put us in.. he decided, instead of saving up again for another RRSP he decided the take some money from each of his paychecks that would normally go to repaying the investment but instead set it aside hoping he would have enough to buy me this ring for my birthday... as a birthday gift and a gift for doing so well and working so hard to becoming drug free and then BEING drug free. My heart is just breaking in two right now... totally.. He is so damn proud of me.. he even told me that the drugs the hospital gave me were okay because obviously I legitimatley needed them and he said that I can't ever not accept pain relief when truly needed so he was okay with what they gave me... I even told him about the extra 50mg of fentynal that I really didn't need... he just said that it has been a long time since I had narcotics and that it is only natural that my mind would crave for more and then he said that as long as that is all I got, it was okay... well.. you all know what I did next as I explained above.... My life is over whether I tell him or not about the pills....

I know a lot of you probably think I am being a coward and you are probably right. I just got my son back to sleep by rocking him then I came to the board here.

This is why I have not been on the board the last couple of days... I have been in so much pain and I didn't want to read about others who DO have access to drugs whenever they want it as I knew that would encourage me... I now totally regret avoiding the board as I should have come here for help to avoid failing.. I know you would have been there for me... I am SOOOO sorry.

The ONLY thing I can think of to do is to leave... my husband and son deserve SO much more and better than me... they deserve someone who is stable. I can't fix this anyways as I explained above... I really need to try and figure out how to do this. My husband will leave for work in a few hours (works out of town) and I will send my son to the sitters as I do not want him to see me like this... then I think the best thing to do is write my husband a long letter and then let him go... I do NOT want to desert my son.. but I need to get my life together in order to be a good mother to him. This is all I can think of to do. I have made such a HUGE mess of things.

I am going to post this to the board now... I promise to check in tomorrow (well I guess later today as it is now 2:15 a.m.) and I will see if anyone has any better ideas. At this point telling my husband what I did and trying to work it out is pointless.. I remember so clearly him telling me about our marriage not being able to handle this again....

I am so angry with myself... I am hurting very deeply. I am going to bundle up and go for a walk. I hope all of you here is sleeping peacefully. Till next time, Mary[/QUOTE]
Mary, I feel your pain. Addictions are the worse - no matter what they are. But, before you think about giving up - just remember - you licked it before and you can certainly do it again. Your husband has been very supportive of you - and even though you feel you failed - you can pick yourself right back up and start all over. I know it is hard - but you are STRONG and you can do it.

Give yourself enough credit - you are human - we are all human - and we all "mess up" at times. Learn to forgive YOURSELF - as I'm sure you have had to forgive others - you deserve the same. Your family loves you and they have forgiven you - now forgive yourself - and move forward.

Every day- tell yourself that you are strong and you are worth it. You can kick your addiction. Repeat it all throughout the day - every day - until it becomes imbedded in your mind. It's a useful mind excercise that can help empower you and enable you to be the best person you can be. And NEVER give up!

Best wishes!





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