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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

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Hi Everyone,

New to the forum and would like to say "hi". I'll preface this by saying I know from what I've read on this site, I see strength in many and the path we must walk to get through this is only something many of you would understand, that's why I take solace in telling you my story.

When I was 16 (I'm now 32), I had a severe panic attack from smoking marijuana, agravating my PVC's and causing severe anxiety. From there I dealt with it, joined the Navy, went to college and started a family. When I was 27, the anxiety evolved into Migraines and constant derealization. I went to a neurologist and had all the tests run, needless to say I was prescibed Klonopin 2mgs a day. The first few months were fine but eventually I developed tolerance and the 2mg norm became a placebo. From there it was onto 4mg of Ativan, then to 2mg of Xanax and then back to 2mg of Klonopin. The last 4 years have been hell with 5 fruitless efforts trying to quit (two trips to the emergency room, tachycardia, vomiting, anxiety, etc. being my companions). By this time I had already read of the horror of Benzo tolerance and withdrawal, I wanted off but Doctors treated me like a leper and they wouldn't or couldn't give me direction. Just recently I went to my new doctor and she recommended I went an outpatient CD recovery center. I went and they recommended a three week withdrawal crossover to Librium all the while having to be off work. As the sole provider with a wife and two children, I couldn't commit to this. I went back to my doctor and explained this and that I needed her guidance..she agreed. I was put on Neurontin, 3x 300 mgs aday along with a Klonopin taper that would take place at my own pace. Since January I've gone from 2mgs to 0.5mgs. I could go through the tortuous list of symptoms I've experienced as I'm sure most of you could relate to, the worst being lack of memory retention to numerous degrees, sweating, derealization, GI issues, constant burning headaches, paresthsia, sneezing fits, constantly cross eyed staring at nothing for severel seconds for no reason (this one scares the hell out of me and if anyone else experiences this please let me know as it's like I'm having mini-seizures) and dysphoria.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story as I'm just one person on this huge orb and my issues are insignificant to many who have such larger problems to deal with. I don't know when I'll make it through this or what life will hold for me as my future unfolds. My fear is that I won't grow old with my wife and I won't get to experience my two little angels growing up. Fear for my own well being has become a non issue as I've already tasted the destruction this has done to me. I only hold out for hope.....hope that I will have my life back and strength.....strength to get me there.

Thanks for your ear (eye) as I wish you all strength and well deserved peace ;)


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