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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

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What is the personality of an addict?? That is a very good question. I can speak from experience, having been an active addict to hydrocodone and darvocet for more than 2 years following a botched spinal surgery.

In the beginning, things appear rosy and wonderful. There is a sense of "I can conquer the woorld and accomplish anything" .. I was a very talkative and outgoing person...someone EVERYONE LOVED to be around....but this was not the real person inside. I had always been rather the shy introverted know, the one who sat in the corner with nothing to say at parties.

Whilwetaking the drugs, I had a sense of power...a sense that everything was ok with the world. Don't get me wrong, I was never physically out of control, slurring words, acting "drunk" fact NO ONE would ever know I was using...they just saw a new me,,,one more in control and confident.

That was for the first few months....then those sensations quickly wore off and the life of an addict became not one of being the life of the party with all the answers, but my life became a desperate struggle to obtain a level of "normalcy". I started to find myself taking pills at 4 am just to stave off withdrawals , so I could function as a human being and actually be able to go back to sleep.

I found that, during the day...instead of having all this energy and having "all the answers to life's problems, I was having difficulty with the most simple of tasks. Concentrating and having enough strength to follow through on a work assignment became seriously difficult tasks. I found myself taking pills..not for my pain issues...but rather to emotionaly cope with life's daily trials and tribulations. It had gotten to the point where I actually considered quitting my $59,000 a year job this week (not rich by any standards...but making a decent living here in the South).....anyway, my addiction had so sapped my zest for life and the desire to "go on" that I seriously considered quitting my job and just walllow in what had now become an obssessed, compulsive pity party. Thoughts of suicide have actually crept into my minf at times...just to escape fom this nigtmare Life had become a ritual that revolved around when the next pill was coming. I still had enough of the "old me" inside that I would never resort to illegal means of obtaining drugs, such as scriot forging or doctor shopping....that was something I could just not bring myself to do. If I ran out of pills, I suffered through the agony of withdrawals, waiting desperately for the day when I could finally refill my prescription to continue this horrible merry-go-round of existence that was in acutality a living death.

I have gotten to the point where ABSOLUTELY NOTHING brings me pleasure in life anymore. The pills themselves no longer provide "any kick".. I take them to [b]TRY[/b] and bring my body to some semblence of Normalcy, so I can simply function. My home life has suffered. All my friends and family tell me that I am a different person. When I was drug-free , I was always the family clown,....the one that made everyone laugh...overall, I was the person people enjoyed being around. I had the terribly sad experience 3 days ago of being told by my partner of 9 years that he feels I am a different person and not one that he necessarily enjoys being around. He told me that of course he still loves me and that he is in no way leaving me... I think it is because he knows I am in the process of trying to get myself off this crap gradually so I can become once again the Lou that people used to adore.

Even at my job, I have been told by my fellow managers that they see a different person. I am much more edgy, being very "snappy" with people. Those who know me would understand that THAT is [b]NOT/[b] my personality. I am a newly promoted store manager of a department store which gives me a whole new assortment of job-related stress issues and responsibilities. But it is the drugs that have taken away my natural in-born problem resolving abilities and left me a teary-eyed mess that actually picked up the phone yesterday to resign from my promoted position, asking for my old job back (which IS still open).

That long-winded disertation having been related, I can say that I see A glimpse of a "proverbial light at the end of this looooooong drug induced tunnel. On May 18, I am taking 11 days off work (using vacation time I have save up) and am going through my own home detox. The only remaining narcotic I am still taking is the darvocet. I almost feel like a "lightweight" in the face of the hard core horrors that some of you on this board are facing with much more serious drug issues to overcome than "silly darvocet". My pain management doctor (who I no longer see), told me that would need no help at all coming off a 2 1/2 year darvocet habit (up to 10 pills a day). In fact, he told me I could stop cold turkey and, since darvocet is "such a weak narcotic", I will not feel any discomfort.

Well, let me tell you, it might be my personal chemical make-up, but stopping darcocet cold turkey is just as bas physically AND EMOTIONALLY as when I stopped the hydrocodone> (66 days free from that one as of today...WOO HOO). I tried to do it cold turkey and keep working...remember i am a department store manager which is quite a physically demanding job. I got to day 3 ( haven't we heard this tale so many times on this forum!). I knew there was no way I could go cold turkey and work at the same time. I am fortunate enough that I am being allowed to take 11 days off, starting May 18, to get myself off this crap once and for all. I have just enough of the darvocet to get me through til the 18th, then it is a cold turkey withdrawal. I am hoping 11 days is enough.. I have heard that days 3-5 are the hardest, withg radual, but steady improvement there after.

I am sorry that the original question, while addressed by myself, ended up in a long dissertation on my own sad and sordid take. I as for prayers in the coming weeks. I have outfitted myself with all the vitamins ad herbal remedies as recommended in the hone detox forun at the top of thid board.

I wisw the very best to all of you out the in the same situaion I have been dealing with. Wish me luck that I can beat thid monsterandbevomethe drug-free life-loving person I was 2 hearrs ago.


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